


Toddlers and Tinder

by OhDeerDearie



Series: Toddlers and Tinder (plus side stories) [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bisexual Sirius Black, Dating, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Gender Identity Issues, Jealous Remus, Kid Harry, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Mutual Pining, Online Dating, Past Domestic Violence, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Sexual harassment tw, Slow Burn, Slurs, Threatened Rape/Sexual Assault, Toddler Teddy Lupin, Trans Tonks, Trans male Tonks, Verbal Humiliation, abusive relationship tw, genderfluid teddy, past assault, past bullying, past post natal depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-21 15:47:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 80,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6057208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhDeerDearie/pseuds/OhDeerDearie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Teddy has a wide range of interests from Sirius’s nose to Angelina Ballerina, Sirius tries out tinder and Remus wants to die because of Frozen.</p><p>Sirius and Remus are bringing up Teddy and trying to see past their pretty obvious feelings for one another. When dating apps become involved Remus starts finding that quite difficult. Teddy doesn’t care, he just want to go to the park.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rainy Beginnings and Angelina Ballerina

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Friendship, fatherhood and years of mutual pining will fuel this fic. I hope you enjoy.  
> Some mild swearing (like, once) and mentions of smoking. Tonks is trans in this fic but is misgendered by others (to abate any confusion).

The rain hasn’t let up yet and it’s after 5 in the afternoon now. Remus shifts himself uncomfortably on the sunken settee and wonders how many more episodes of Angelina Ballerina he’s going to have to watch today. Teddy stares forlornly out of the rain-streaked window during every advert break as if expecting all that bad weather to go away to be replaced by the sun they had been hoping for.  
“Looks like we’ll have to skip the park today, Teds.”

 “Bu’ daddeeeee!” Whines Teddy, affronted. They go to the play park _every_ Saturday apart from special occasion and today might be one of the few times that they can’t make it. Sensing a tantrum, Remus grimaces.   
“We can go tomorrow kiddo, promise.” Please, please, please let it work, don’t let Teddy start howling now. Remus has a cracking headache.

 The Angelina Ballerina theme tune starts up again just in time. Teddy turns away, his face lighting up, and plops down on the rug to watch. Sighing in relief, Remus stands up slowly as if all his joints are creaking with the effort. Nipping into the kitchenette to make a cup of tea, he wonders how long it will be until Sirius gets home.

 Sirius works in a five star restaurant in central London as the maître d’, meaning he usually works long shifts and barely ever has the weekend off. It’s not like Remus expects him to be here - they’re not together or anything, and he doesn’t have any parental obligations as such. He just likes his help and company sometimes - especially on Saturdays and Sundays when Teddy doesn’t have play group. Sirius is great with the energetic toddler and has a real flair for keeping Teds occupied. Apart from play group hours and the occasional crèche session, it’s the only break Remus gets from being a full time single parent.

 Dumping the teabag in the bin and adding plenty of sugar and milk, he wanders back to the couch and sits down. Teddy glances up at him before climbing into his lap, snuggling up to his dad’s chest.   
“When dada home?” Remus groans, setting his mug of tea down on the floor next to the sofa.   
“Teds, we talked about this. Pads isn’t dada, _I’m_ dada.”   
“No, you dadd-ee!”   
“Pads is your _Uncle._ Uncle Siri, remember? Or Pada. Depends on the day.”   
“Pada dada!”   
“Pada is not dada!”   
“Pada Teddy Dada! DADA! Pada! Pada dada!”   
“Teds, Pads isn’t your da-”  
  
The sound of the door swinging open can be heard throughout the small flat, accompanied by a familiar voice hollering.  
“Dada’s home!”   
“Oh my God.”

 Teddy squirms out of Remus’ lap, nearly knocking the hot tea, which Rem quickly moves out of the way. Sirius appears in the sitting room with a huge grin on his face, holding a couple of Sainsbury’s bags in his hand and a plain white bag in the other.   
“DADA!” Shrieks the hyperactive toddler, grabbing Sirius’s long legs with his stubby arms. He steps onto Sirius’s feet and holds tight to the dress trousers he’s wearing. Grinning, Padfoot shuffles into the room with small steps with his hands holding Teddy’s shoulders protectively, causing him to stoop, juggling the shopping bags. Remus raises his eyebrows in half amusement and half exasperation, standing before Sirius with his arms crossed over his chest.   
“Hi, ‘ _dada’ ._ I had wondered why my son had recently taken to calling you that.”

 Sirius doesn’t even bother to look sorry when he apologises, smirking and flicking his long hair from his face. Sighing and smiling despite himself, Remus stops nursing his tea for a moment to return Sirius’s hug. “Good day at work?”

 Rolling his eyes, Sirius dislodges Teddy from his legs and goes to the kitchenette to put away the shopping.   
“It was awful, as usual. Trying to keep the staff in check is hell and so many orders were being sent back today - we had two really picky fucks - I mean fluffs -  in at lunch time. Ridiculous - and their _manners_ were atrocious! I don’t know why I bother, Rem, honestly. Oh, I brought you back some of the chocolate cake you like again.” He signals to the plain bag he placed on the counter next to him, turning on the kettle to make himself a coffee. “Anyway, I’m here now.”

“What did you get at the shop?” Asks Remus, taking a peek into the plastic bags Sirius brought back after yet again forgetting to take the reusable ones from the house.   
“Some pasta shapes, tomatoes, basil - we’re having pasta for dinner by the way. Also got the milk and bread you asked for. Oh, and strawberry milk for Teds, marshmallows and jelly beans for me, chocolate for you.”   
“Marshmallow!” Yells Teddy, running into the back of Sirius’s legs in his excitement.   
“I don’t know why you don’t just buy a jar of Ragu or something, Padfoot, it’s much easier.” Sirius looks at Remus in horror as he leans down to ruffle Teddy’s curly hair, so much like his dad’s.   
“Do you have any idea how much sugar is in that stuff? And I’m a fu-fluffing maître d’ Rem, I cook like a bloo-...blooming celebrity chef!”

 Remus shrugs. He took Teddy to McDonalds for his lunch, but he’s not about to tell Sirius that.  
“Teds and dadee ha’ Micky D!” Pipes up Teddy helpfully, looking up at Sirius with adoration.   
“Micky D’s, huh?” Sirius scowls at Remus reproachfully, sweeping Teddy up in his arms. “Bad daddy!” He scolds, stretching a foot out to give Moony a kick. “There’s a Pret just down the road and you went to McDonalds. In fact, there’s leftovers from last night’s mushroom stroganoff in the fridge!”

 Holding his hands up in an appeasing gesture, Remus pulls Teddy’s fingers away from Sirius’s nose patiently. His son scowls at him, an expression scarily like Sirius’ just a moment ago.   
“I can cook the pasta if you want.” He offers, hoping to quell Sirius’s sulking with his generosity. Sirius instead looks utterly horrified and holds Teddy closer.   
“You will cook _nothing_ in my flat, Remus John Lupin.”   
“Actually it’s my flat.”   
“I live here, and you will cook _nothing_ in this flat! You’ll blow it up!”

 They sit down on the sofa again, Teddy clinging determinedly to Sirius’s shirt as he sits in his lap. Remus smiles affectionately as he watches his best friend and his son carry on with one another, Sirius tickling under Teddy’s arms while the toddler pulls at his long black hair, squealing.

 Today at McDonalds, he and Teddy had run into Neville, a little boy from Teddy’s playgroup, and his mum Alice. Alice sat next to them at their little table and fed Neville spoonfuls of McFlurry while chatting away about typical ‘mum stuff’ to Remus. Teddy glowered at Neville as he got ice cream all over his Disney top, chewing on a chicken nugget as best as he could.   
“No dada today, Teddy?” Alice inquired kindly, absently wiping ice cream from her son’s face.   
“Dada work.” Teddy grumbled sadly into his then-mushy chicken nugget. “Dadd-ee say no park til no rain. Dada take me.” He shot Remus a scowl at this.   
“Ah, is dada more brave than daddy, Teddy?” Alice joked, shooting Remus a smirk. “Surely not. Daddy got you down here, didn’t he? Let’s hope you can get to the park.”   
“No, no. No park until it stops raining, eh, Teds? Or you’ll get a wet bum and Siri will be cross because you’re wearing the nice trousers he bought you.”   
“Oh, dada bought those trousers for Teddy? You’re lucky, my Frank won’t go near the clothes stores. You two are such a good couple.”   
“Ah, we’re not a - um… Couple. I mean, we’re not together. Sirius and I.” Alice had been shocked at this, raising her eyebrows.   
“No? Oh, I thought you were - sorry Remus. It’s just, he’s so good with Ted here, and the way you look at each other - I mean, you know. Sorry, Rem. Just an assumption.”

 This was a pretty regular occurrence. Most of the parents at Teddy’s playgroup think that he and Sirius are together - Remus can tell by the way that they all ask where ‘dada’ is whenever he goes alone to pick Teddy up. He wonders if Sirius has noticed that too. Looking at him now, Remus feels a familiar and unwelcome stir in his chest which he quickly pushes away. No, he’s not going to let those feelings crop up just now. They just get in the way of things - they make him awkward. When he snaps back to the present, Sirius is looking at him quizzically and Remus blushes, realising that he’s been staring.   
“Dadd-ee! Me an’ dada watch Frozen! You!”   
“Oh god no.” Remus breathes, looking at Sirius in horror in a way that says ‘how could you let this happen?!’

 Teddy recently got over his Frozen obsession, but it still crops up sometimes, like today. Remus and Sirius have been forced to watch it over 50 times now. While Sirius now sings along and even made up dances for him and Teddy to do while they watch, Remus feels like crying every time it comes on. Begrudgingly, he gets up and crosses to the telly. He almost wants to pretend that he’s lost the DVD to avoid watching it, but a glance back at Teddy’s excited face makes him change his mind.

 Teddy sits on his lap while Sirius goes to change out of his work clothes. Remus wraps an arm around his son, resting his chin on top of the toddler’s head. Sirius returns in black joggies and a worn out band t-shirt he bought not long after finishing high school. His hair is pulled up in a bun, which causes Rem’s eyes to follow the lines of his long pale neck up to his face accidentally. Blushing (again), Remus jiggles Ted on his knee a little bit, humming along with whatever song is on at the moment.

 “I’m going to start the dinner.” Remus jumps as Sirius murmurs in his ear, quiet so as not to disturb Teddy. He’s leaned over the back of the settee and Rem can smell his aftershave and the cigarettes on his breath. He nods his silent agreement, forcing himself to keep his eyes trained on the screen rather than following Sirius’ path to the kitchenette in the corner.

 Sirius busies himself with cooking, trying to be as quiet as possible with the pots and pans in the cupboard. He’s excited to serve up - he’s found alphabet shaped pasta which Teddy will love, and since he can make his own sauce it’s healthier than the Heinz tins. With the pasta boiling in the pot, he sets about making the red pesto, toning down the chilli for both Teddy and Remus’ sake, as neither can really handle spice at all. He’s been feeling preoccupied all day after last night and he continues to feel only half-present as he tips his ingredients into the old, slow food processor.

 The night before, Sirius had gotten out of work late to a text from James politely requesting his presence at a pub near the Potter family’s little house. He called Moony straight away to check if it was alright for him to head out - of course it was, Teddy is in bed already after watching enough Thomas the Tank Engine that a blind man could describe accurately Thomas’ shiny blue carriages and jolly face - and went on his way.

* * *

 

James greeted him with a huge grin and a mildly painful thump on the back.   
“Hey Prongs!” Sirius winced slightly, flopping down next to his long-term best friend after ordering a beer.   
“Hey Pads, how’s Moony and Teddy?”   
“Ah, they’re good. Teds is getting more and more like Moony every day, it’s frightening.”   
“I get you, Haz is so much like Lily that I’m worried his first words will be to lecture me.” Sirius laughed at that, taking a drink of his beer and feeling himself relax after a long day at work.

 The evening whiled away easily, James and Sirius talking crap about kids, asking about each other’s work - James is on the police force - and generally making fun of each other. After a few beers, James leans over the table with a serious look on his face.  
“So, Pads, how’s it going in, y’know, the… relationship department?” Sirius rolls his eyes, leaning back.   
“James I’ve told you, I’m not looking for a-”   
“Because you’re too busy pining after Remus, yes, I know.”

Sirius was shocked. First of all, he’d never told James about his feelings towards their mutual best friend. Secondly, he certainly hadn’t let on that the reason he had spent so many years single and celibate was due to some strange loyalty to a non-existent relationship with said best friend. James is looking him square in the face, confident in his assessment of the situation. Sirius has always hated how observant his often-dense friend can be.   
“I… Well, I just…”   
“Are you ever going to tell him how you feel, Sirius?” Sirius flinches at the use of his full name, a rare occurrence with James. He hadn’t realised he was coming out here to be interrogated about his love life and romantic feelings.   
“No! I mean, it would mess everything up - for one, we live together. And if he hated me for it, I mean, think about Teddy - he calls me dada for christ sake, James. It’d be hell for him if I had to leave.”   
“So you’re going to be single for the rest of your days, never dating a single person or starting a life of your own. All so you can be daddy for Teddy, who isn’t even your kid. Sirius, come on - that’s no way to go about things.”   
“I won’t not start a life of my own! I have my own life. I’m the maître d’ of a successful restaurant, James, and I’m quite well liked. And who cares if Teddy isn’t mine - his mum’s hardly in the picture after all. You should know - you work with her.” Sirius fumes, glaring at James.   
“I think you should tell him. I mean, you live with him - surely he deserves to know.”   
“It’s better he doesn’t know!”   
“Just think, Sirius. It’s a two bedroom flat and when Teddy grows up, he’ll want a room of his own. What are you going to do, sleep on the couch? Unless you and Remus get together, you’re going to move out at some point. Don’t you see that?”   
“Shut the fuck up James, how could you know that things will pan out that way? Just… Just… Fuck you.”

 

* * *

 

Sirius had stormed off after that, but he still texted James when he got in to let him know he was back at the flat safely. Force of habit, he told himself at the time, but now he knows that he was never really mad at James - just mad at the truth of what he was saying.

 Sighing heavily, Sirius stoops over the chicken pieces he’s frying up in garlic oil and herbs. Whether it would be better to tell Remus his feelings or not, he won’t do it. He’ll find a way to get over him, somehow. Better that than having to face the consequences of Remus knowing.

 He tips the chicken in with the pesto pasta, stirring it through and ensuring everything is well heated before dishing it into colourful plastic bowls. Using a fork with a giraffe head and neck for a handle, he picks through the bowls to spell Teddy’s name out in the blue bowl and Remus’ out in the pretty pink one. In his own bowl, red, he spells out ‘cool’.

 “Dinner’s ready!” He calls, hearing Teddy whining as Remus pauses the movie. “You want some strawberry milk with it, Teds?”   
“Stawberree milk!”   
“I think that’s a yes please, Sirius.” Remus calls after his son, standing up and stretching. He picks up Teddy and takes him to his high-chair. “Can I get a beer, Pads?”

“What’s the magic word, Rem?” He can hear Moony sigh from his place at the counter, pouring out the strawberry milk.  
“Please may I have some beer, Sirius?” The sarcasm is strong in Remus’ tone and Sirius  pretends he doesn’t hear it as he puts the bowls he’s been juggling down. He goes back to fetch the drinks - one strawberry milk, a beer and a tall glass of water - then sits down next to Teddy.   
“Dadd-ee! Mine say Tedd-ee!”   
“Yeah Teds, mine says my name too!”   
“It say dadd-ee?”   
“Nah Teds, it says my first name - Remus.”   
“Ree-mus…” Teddy considers slowly, looking down at his bowl of pasta. “No, you dadd-ee.” He turns to Sirius with a serious expression. “You dada? You dindins say dada?”   
“Nope, Teds, mine says ‘cool’ because I’m the coolest guy ever!” Sirius boasts with a grin, puffing out his chest. Teddy giggles excitedly, patting his hands on the table of his high chair. “Ok kiddo, open wide for the choo-choo train!”

 Teddy chews his mouthful carefully before wrinkling up his nose.  
“Onion! You put onion in!” He complains, trying to spit out his mouthful.   
“No, Teddy, that’s _garlic._ ” Sirius explains, despairing at Teddy’s inability to tell the difference - just like his father.   
“Ga-lic?” Teddy asks, his mouth still full. He chews it again slowly.   
“Garlic.”   
“Oh. Ok.” The toddler finally concedes, swallowing his mouthful. He eats the rest of his pasta without complaint. Remus watches with amazement - he’s never able to get Teddy to eat anything he decides he doesn’t like.

 After eating his dinner and finishing off his strawberry milk, Teddy begins to yawn. Once Frozen is finished he’s half asleep and hasn’t been performing his and Sirius’ dances half as well as usual. Once the credits come on he plops down onto the floor with a huff, leaning back against Remus’ legs sleepily.   
“Time for bed, guy?” Remus asks, leaning over his knees to look at his son. Teddy nods against him, eyes shut and his little mouth open wide in a yawn. “Let’s get you ready then.”

 Sirius volunteers to put Teddy to bed, much to his delight. Swooping the tot up into his arms, he carries him off to the room he and Remus share. Once safely put to bed in his big cot under the window, holding tight to the stuffed black dog toy Sirius gave him for Christmas, Teddy begins drifting off. Looking down at him affectionately, Sirius brushes a blonde curl away from his face before heading back out into the living room to tidy up the dishes.

 “Hey, I got the dishes.” Remus informs him as he enters the room. He’s spread out across the couch languidly with a cup of tea, looking calm and slightly tired.  
“Tah, Moony. He’s probably already asleep, tired little bug. You don’t look much more alert yourself.”   
“Nah I’m alright Pads. He had me up at 7 this morning even though there’s no play group, demanding to go to the park. He was so grumpy when he realised you were at work, by the way.”   
“Sorry, Rem. I did try to get the day off to help out, but we’re really busy just now. They’re pretty useless without me around. I’m the best maître d’ ever, after all.”   
“And modest, too!”

 Sirius pulls a face at Remus for that, toeing at his friend’s legs to try and get a space on the sofa. When he’s sitting down, he pulls out his phone and starts to absentmindedly flip through his apps. Remus lies back, throwing his legs over Sirius’ lap contentedly. It’s so nice to be around Pads like this, all comfortable and quiet. He tries to slyly watch Sirius’ face as he studies his phone, before becoming curious about what he’s doing. Sitting up, he shuffles over to look at the phone over his shoulder.

“What’s this?” He asks warily as Sirius flips past numerous selfies of men and women Remus has never seen before.  
“It’s called tinder.” Sirius shrugs, his tone purposefully nonchalant.   
“Oh. I’ve heard of that.” Remus has to contain his grimace. Sirius is using an app for picking up people for like, dates and sex and stuff. The thought of Padfoot with anyone else causes a painful twist in his stomach. “What are… What are you using that for?”

 Sirius looks at Remus carefully, considering his answer. He feels embarrassed about this for some reason and he suddenly has a strong desire to just delete this app from his phone and never think about it again. With Remus so close to him, he can’t remember why he’s looking for anyone else.   
“Dates. Guess I’m getting on a bit, so I should start taking this whole relationship thing seriously. You should get one, Rem.”   
“I’d rather not.” Remus replies curtly, shifting away from Sirius to return to his tea. Taken aback by this brusque response, Sirius locks his phone and sets it aside.   
“What’s up, Moony? Did I do something?”

 Remus looks into Sirius’ worried face and feels guilty for his sharp reaction. He blushes and looks down at his tea, taking a drink while he steadies himself. He wishes he could just tell Sirius the truth.  
“No, Pads, just… Just ignore me.” Sirius, still concerned, places a hand gently on Remus’ arm, drawing his friend’s attention back to him.   
“I’m always here if you need to talk. You sleep in my room tonight - I’ll get Teddy if he wakes up.”   
“Yeah… Okay. I think I’m just gonna hit the sack, you know. Long day. Thanks for making dinner, Sirius. I really appreciate it.”   
“Don’t mention it, Rem. Sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.”

 When Remus disappears into Sirius’ bedroom, Sirius looks back to his phone guiltily. Picking it up and unlocking it, he swipes left a few more times. He sees a few people he knows from work, swiping left on each of them. Finally, one man, good looking and with some common interests - good food, wine, cats, motorbikes - comes up and Sirius scrutinises the selfies he’s uploaded.   
“Fabian Prewett, huh…” He mumbles, raising an eyebrow. He hums in consideration before finally swiping right. He glances again at his bedroom door, knowing Remus is in there. Something about this feels so wrong, like he’s doing it behind Remus’ back. But it’s nothing to do with Remus, is it?

 In Sirius’ room, Remus pads around picking up a few stray items of dirty clothes from the floor and dumps them in the laundry basket, sighing exasperatedly. Sirius manages to mainly contain his mess to his room, but it always astounds Remus how someone so pernickety and pretentious can be this untidy. He stares around, feeling a little lost despite having been in this room a million times. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to grasp in his mind, but he feels like he should be doing something. Shrugging the feeling away, he strips down to his boxers before climbing into Sirius’s unmade bed. The pillow smells like Sirius’s shampoo and aftershave and he can smell sweat and herbs and peppermint throughout the room. Remus lies his head on the pillow, feeling a little embarrassed at himself as he takes deep breaths through his nose. He feels himself drifting off, wishing he could be near Sirius to breath in his scent from his skin and his hair rather than his sheets. When sleep takes him, he dreams he’s looking in a mirror that shows the onlooker whatever he or she most desires. He’s holding Teddy, and next to his reflection stands Sirius, tall and beautiful as ever, smiling at him like he’s in love.

 


	2. Pret and Grizzly Bear Hunting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content at the beginning but nothing graphic.

To Remus’s horror, he wakes up with a raging hard on at the crack of dawn. He can’t remember his dream at all but he’s pretty sure it was nothing to get hard over. Instead, he wakes with his nose stuffed into Sirius’s pillow, gripping the duvet close, sweating profusely and very, very turned on. Groggy and already embarrassed, Remus slowly opens his eyes and surveys his surroundings. The room is still dark which means it can’t be after 7 in the morning, but he couldn’t get back to sleep if he tried due to the ache between his thighs. It takes mammoth effort to convince himself it wouldn’t be particularly respectful to get off here, in his best friend’s bed. He decides what he needs is a cold shower.

Heaving himself out of bed - Remus is truly not a morning person - he looks around for his clothes. He can’t spot them amidst the other crumpled items of Sirius’s clothing littering the floor, so he picks up a few garments at random in the hopes of finding a top. He manages to find and pull on an oversized faded ACDC t-shirt but there are no pj bottoms, just skin tight jeans and dress trousers. Go figure that Sirius would sleep naked - a thought which doesn’t help with his rather large problem.

He peeks out into the hallway from the doorway of Sirius’s bedroom before creeping out, trying to be completely silent. He’s most of the way to the bathroom, which is through the living room, when his bedroom door swings open. Sirius is wearing only his boxers and unabashedly sporting a hard-on as he pads out half-asleep into the living room.  
“Oh. Rem. G’mornin’ - you’re up early.” Sirius is better at mornings than Remus is and usually gets up freakishly early, if only to sit around watching telly until Teddy wakes. All the same he seems to be too sleepy still to realise that they are both standing there by the bathroom door, scantily clad and both apparently incredibly horny.  
“Y-Yeah, just, uh, heading for a s-shower. Y-you? I, uh, mean, what a-are you up this early for?”

Sirius looks at Remus closely as if considering something, glancing up and down his body before his eyes go wide. Obviously he’s now alert to the situation. He then looks down at himself and Remus thinks that despite the dim lighting in the room, he can see Sirius blush.  
“Oh my. A cold shower you’re going for, is it?” He asks jovially, laughing weakly. Remus ducks his head and stares at the floor, crossing his arms protectively over his chest.  
“I could say the same to you, thanks.” Remus retorts indignantly to the floor, unable to look his friend in the eye. Sirius hums noncommittally, looking out the window.

“Is that my shirt?” Sirius reaches out and tugs at the faded fabric of the top curiously, causing Remus’s arms to fall away without much fight because oh my god Sirius’s fingers are brushing his stomach and he can feel his cock aching.  
“Y-yeah, uh, it is.” Remus hopes that his reaction to Sirius’s touch wasn’t observable as he shuffles back a little. “You can use the bathroom first, I don’t mind.”  
“No, that’s fine, after you.”  
“No, honestly, I insist-”  
“Rem, really, go ahe-”  
“Dadd-eee!” Wails Teddy from the bedroom, frightening both Sirius and Remus from their little quarrel. They look at one another for a half second before hearing Teddy call again.  
“I better, uh, go get him.” Remus excuses himself quickly, feeling Sirius’s eyes on him as he walks away.

When he enters the room, Teddy straight away tries to climb out of his cot to come and cuddle Remus, who has to quickly sit down on the bed and place a pillow on his lap before his son can climb up. He wraps his arms around the toddler and rocks him soothingly.  
“Dadd-ee, where dada?!” Sniffles Teddy, who seems to have had a nightmare. Remus pets his hair gently, trying to calm him down.  
“Dada’s just in the loo Teds, don’t worry. He’ll be back soon.”  
“Thought he left…” Teddy whimpers, tucking his head under Remus’s arm and continuing to make sad little sounds. When Sirius re-enters the room, Remus regards him carefully - what gave Teddy the idea that Sirius would leave? Sirius approaches them quietly and sits next to Remus, reaching over to stroke Teddy’s back.  
“Hey Teds, you want to come lie in bed with me while daddy gets a shower?” Sirius, now fully awake, gives Remus a teasing smirk, causing him to blush furiously. Just as Sirius starts to untangle Teddy from his dad for a cuddle, the toddler wails loudly and starts crying again.  
“No! Dada stay! Dadd-ee stay! Both stay!” He sobs, bunching a fistful of Remus’s shirt with his fat little hands and grabbing at Sirius blindly to hold onto as well.

“He thought you left him.” Remus explains once Teddy is settling down once more, almost drifting off between Remus and Sirius on the bed. Sirius lies on his side, curling around Teddy protectively as he looks across the pillows at Remus, whose shirt is still being clutched by the dozing toddler.  
“Left him…?”  
“I think he thought you left… Permanently. He has nightmares like that sometimes. He used to do it with his mum.”

Remus sighs, looking down at his son with sadness and affection. When he and Nym had split up, she was quick to move from their flat. While she remained friendly with Remus, she only saw Teddy every second or third weekend when she could get a few days off from work. Teddy, who had been one and a half at the time and didn’t really understand what happened, used to cry and cry every night and cry even more when it was Remus who came to comfort him and not his mummy. These days Teddy had become attached to Sirius instead and treated him much the same as Remus expects he would have treated Nym at this age if he’d had the chance. Sirius had basically become Ted’s mother figure, however unwittingly. If Sirius were to leave, Remus knows that Teddy would really struggle.

But surely Sirius would leave, possibly soon? Now that he’s on this ‘tinder’ thing, he’ll likely find a partner, perhaps one who is perfect for him. Someone who he might want to move in with - and there isn’t room for that in this little 2 bedroom flat. When this possibility became a reality, Sirius would have no choice but to move out and have his own life. A life where he isn’t fathering someone else’s child or footing the majority of the rent on a crappy little flat. The thought makes Remus’s heart twist and he quickly casts it aside. Sirius is staring at him seriously from the other side of the bed.  
“Do you think I’m going to leave?” Sirius asks, no trace of humour in his voice. Remus flinches, an icy feeling washing over him - it’s like Sirius read his mind.  
“N-No, of course not Pads, I just… Worry.”  
“Worry?”  
“About Teddy. He sees you as a parent, you know? He’s pretty attached.”  
“Well duh Remus, everyone knows that. I’m his dada, you know. Whether you like it or not, he’s given me the name and I’ll not forget it. I’m going to be there for him.”

Touched, Remus smiles softly, unable to meet his friend’s eyes in case he scares Sirius off with the obvious affection in his expression. It’s nice to hear that Sirius doesn’t have any plans to leave - not yet, anyway.

They have omelettes for breakfast even though Teddy keeps begging Sirius for ‘Micky Ds’ again, much to his disdain. The sun has risen now and it’s looking to be a nicer day than Saturday, which means a trip to the play park is inevitable. Remus sighs into his first of many cups of tea, watching Sirius wind Teddy up about how how McDonalds make their chicken nuggets out of bogeys and everything they make has secret onions in. Teddy is squealing his disgust and disbelief, still in his Thomas the Tank Engine pjs with his hair sticking up in all directions.

“It’s true, the chicken nuggets are bogeys Teds! So are the burgers, and the McFlurrys are actually yellow snow. You don’t believe me? Just ask them next time daddy takes you down there! They’ll show you!”  
“Yello’ sno’ bad!” Shrieks Teddy, accidentally smearing ketchup onto his nose as he flails. Remus leans over to wipe it off with a hankie but Teddy spins around too fast and avoids the quick clean. He hates cleaning. “No dadd-ee! No clean!”

As soon as he’s up and dressed, Teddy demands to go to the play park. He’s chasing Sirius around the house, falling over regularly and giggling madly, trying to make him get ready faster.  
“Can’t catch me, Ted!” Sirius taunts as he runs away super-slow to give the toddler a fighting chance of catching up. When Teddy eventually does latch onto his legs, Sirius pretends to fall over dramatically, pulling his assailant down with him gently. “Oh Ted, I’m dead!” He wails, playing dead with his hand cast over his eyes.  
“Just give him a kick, Teds, he’ll come back to life.” Remus tells his son in passing as he wanders through to the kitchenette to pack up some juice and snacks. He can hear Sirius make an indignant noise as Teddy follows Remus’s advice and when he returns, Sirius is tickling the tot relentlessly.

It looks pretty cold out, so Remus has Teddy all wrapped up in a coat and scarf, a woolly hat pulled over his little head. Waiting at the door for Sirius to stop preening himself in the bathroom, Remus rubs his eyes and checks inside the plastic bag he’s brought to make sure he has everything he might need. There’s a couple of juice cartons, a bottle of water, the jellybeans and marshmallows, a few plasters and a packet of tissues. He runs the list of items over in his head a few times, trying to think if he’s forgotten anything when Sirius returns at last.  
“God’s sake Rem, have you ever heard of a hairbrush?” He teases, carefully smoothing down Remus’s hair and untangling a few curls. Remus blushes deeply and looks away, batting at Sirius’s hands.  
“Get off me, you’re not my mum. Right Teds, shall we go?”  
“Park! Park! Park!”

As expected there’s a chill to the air but Teddy barely seems to notice, only asking that his dada push the swing higher and higher.  
“Teds, you’re flying! If we don’t stop swinging you’ll go to space!”  
“Space!” Cries Teddy in half alarm, half excitement. He’s clinging to the swing chains tightly despite his calls to go higher up. Sirius laughs and slows the swing down a little bit, flipping his hair from his face. Remus is sitting on the adult swings in front of them, watching contentedly. He’s been stealing a few of Sirius’s jellybeans whenever he thinks no one is looking and feeling very sneaky because of it.  
“Come on Teds, let’s have some marshmallows before we go on the roundabout eh?” Sirius is lifting Teddy out of the swing, holding him on his hip despite the fact that the toddler can walk pretty well now. Teddy loves being carried, though, and he clings to Sirius’s leather jacket in delight.

The marshmallows disappear quickly thanks to Sirius eating whole handfuls at a time to wind Teddy up, opening his mouth to show the toddler the pink mush. This earns him a scolding from Remus who accuses him of trying to teach his son bad manners, but Sirius only shrugs and sticks his marshmallow-y tongue out at Teddy when Rem isn’t looking. Remus, of course, notices this and gives Padfoot a wallop before running away from his fake-angry friend. Sirius gives chase which makes Teddy squeal in delight and wriggle from the park bench to join in. They chase one another around in an impromptu game of tig, Remus and Sirius running slowly for Teddy’s benefit, until they’re all plopped down on the concrete by the swings huffing and puffing.

 

Remus is struggling to catch his breath and he lies back, patting at his pockets feebly. Sirius sits up and looks at him before rolling his eyes, reaching into his jacket pocket.  
“I brought your inhaler with me, Rem. Knew you would forget.” He passes Remus the little device which is accepted thankfully. After a few puffs of it he settles down again, feeling his chest ease off.  
“Daddy’s a bit unfit is all.” Rem reassures Teddy, who’s looking at him worriedly. Pocketing his inhaler, he lies back again and picks the toddler up to holds him up in the air. “Look Teds, you’re Simba!”  
“Lion King!” Teddy all but screams in his excitement, kicking his legs.  
“Ooft, watch it Teds, nearly kicked my head off.” Sirius flinches away from the flailing child, standing up and brushing down his jeans. Setting Teddy down, Remus notices that this is not a bad view at all. For the millionth time that weekend he finds himself getting flustered over his best friend and is quick to busy himself with standing up and pulling Teds onto his feet.

Teddy goes on the roundabout until he can’t stand straight then demands to be helped over the monkey bars. He screeches happily as he speeds down the slide and even has a go on the fireman’s pole. Once he’s tired out all of the apparatus, he sits down on the edge of the roundabout and starts to kick his feet on the asphalt, a little bored.  
“What now then, bud? Shall we go get lunch? We can feed the ducks after if you like, or go a walk around woods to find some grizzly bears.” Teddy perks up quickly at this, jumping from his position on the roundabout to reach for Sirius’s hands.  
“Ducks! Grizzly bears! Like Dora the Explorer!” Sirius grins, lifting Teddy up under his arms to sit on his hip.  
“Yeah Teds, like Dora! I’ll be Diego, daddy can be Boots. Or is he Swiper? He’s been nicking your jelly beans, little mister!” Teddy looks at his dad in horror, his mouth forming a shocked little ‘o’.  
“My jelly bean!”  
“Woops…” Remus says half-apologetically, lifting his hands up defensively. “Pret for lunch?”  
“Micky D! I want Micky D!” Sirius glares at Remus, seeing his influence.  
“No, Teds, Pret is where the cool kids go.” Sirius informs the toddler firmly, making Teddy go serious and nod - he most certainly is a cool kid.

Pret A Manger is busy as always so they have to queue for a while. It’s lucky in the end as Teddy can’t decide if he wants a cheese or ham kid’s sandwich and it takes him until they get to the front of the line to make up his mind. Sirius gets the crayfish and rocket sandwich, much to Remus’s disgust, and Remus gets the egg mayo because other than a kid’s sandwich it’s the only thing on the menu he likes. Putting his puppy-dog eyes to good use, Teddy convinces Sirius to buy him a gingerbread man, while Remus (also using his puppy dog eyes) convinces Sirius to buy him a piece of chocolate cake. Once their little feast has been devoured, they make their way to the duck pond and buy a loaf of reduced-to-clear bread on the way.

“Ted, stop trying to pick the duckies up, they don’t like it.” Remus calls from his place on the bench. While he’s quite contented to rip up the bread for Teddy to feed the ducks with from here, his son likes to get right next to the edge of the pond. This has Sirius all tensed up as if waiting for the toddler to fall in, but Remus knows that Teddy has much better common sense than he lets on.  
“Moony will you please make Teddy come away from the edge of the pond?”  
“Pads, honestly, he’ll be okay. But fine. Teddy, come back from the water a little bit, love.” Teddy gives him a forlorn look but stomps away from the pond’s edge all the same.  
“Thanks.” Breathes Sirius, relieved. He finally manages to relax.

The two men sit in silence on the bench for a while. Remus tears up a slice of bread every now and then and presses the little pieces into Teddy’s hands whenever he comes back for more. Sirius seems to be contemplating something on his phone, his brow furrowed. Chancing a glance at the phone screen, Remus recognises the app to be tinder and a chill runs through him - the urge to chuck Sirius’s phone into the pond ‘accidentally’ suddenly makes itself known.

“Any luck, then?” He asks conversationally, looking out at the pond.  
“Hm?” Sirius looks up from his phone briefly before glancing back again. He’s messaging someone.  
“With, um, finding dates… And all that” Teddy trips a little and nearly sits on a duck as he falls back, causing a chorus of indignant quacks.  
“Oh, uh. Yeah, actually, there’s one guy who seems alright.”  
“Yeah?” Remus can feel his chest tightening and he pats his inhaler absentmindedly, focusing on seeming only politely interested. It’s not easy.  
“Yeah.” It seems as if Sirius isn’t going to offer any more information on the subject. “His name is Fabian.”  
“Fabian?” Remus scoffs a little, looking at Sirius with a raised eyebrow. “Bit of a poncy name, isn’t it?” Sirius looks mildly irritated, locking his phone and putting it away.  
“Wouldn’t say so. No more so than Remus is.” He puts in archly, making Remus flinch inwardly and turn away. He starts tearing up another piece of bread for Teddy, who keeps stepping on the bread crumbs he’s putting down for the ducks that surround him.  
“Well, you don’t have to worry about my name. It’s not me you’re taking on a date.”

Remus flushes the moment he realises what he said. He can’t bring himself to look at Sirius again, suddenly being very absorbed by tearing up a particularly tough bread crust. To insinuate that Sirius might ever want to take him on a date was a big mistake - it’s a little too close to the truth that Remus would really, really like it if he did. He hopes it doesn’t show.

Sirius regards him sagely before turning away again.  
“I suppose you’re right.” He says at last, effectively ending the conversation. It stings a little and despite himself, Remus feels a bit rejected. Ducking his head, he calls to Teddy to give him more bread. When Teddy trots over, he ooks up at his dad curiously.  
“You ok dadd-ee?” He asks, placing a bread crumb coated hand on Remus’s knee.  
“Yeah Teddy, daddy’s fine. You having fun?” Remus smiles encouragingly down at his son, trying to overlook the bitter feeling in his chest.  
“Yeah! I wan’ be a duck feeder when I’m old as you.” Chuckling, Remus ruffles Teddy’s hair before the toddler wanders away again to feed the last of the bread to the ducks. It’s getting on in the afternoon and Remus keeps glancing at the sky to look for signs of rain - it’s still clear just now but there are clouds on the horizon.  
“We’d better set about grizzly bear hunting soon if we want to do it today.” He mumbles, standing up and stuffing his hands in pockets. He still hasn’t looked at Sirius and he doesn’t intend to.  
“Yeah, better hop to it.” The other man says, staying exactly where he is. “I think I’ll give the hunt a miss, though, if that’s alright with you. Got a date at seven so I’m going to head back to the flat and get ready.”

Despite himself, Remus freezes up. He schools his voice and expression carefully as he turns to Sirius.  
“Fabian?” He asks nonchalantly, even chancing a mild smile.  
“Yeah. We’re having dinner.” Remus notes that Sirius doesn’t really seem that enthused, which makes him feel triumphant for some reason. All the same, there’s an air of defiance about him which Remus knows is directed at him and his scathing comment. He sighs quietly, not letting on how he feels.  
“Cool.” He checks his watch. “You heading off to get ready just now then?”  
“Yeah, I’d better. I’ll just go say bye to Tedders.”

Teddy is not impressed that Sirius will not be joining them on their grizzly bear hunt and he looks like he might start a tantrum at any given moment as he says goodbye. Remus ruffles his hair reassuringly, telling his son that Sirius would only serve to scare off the bears with his stinky aftershave. This cheers Teddy up well enough and abates the tantrum, letting Padfoot get away. He looks at Remus before he goes, as if he wants to say something important, but seems to decide better of it.  
“See ya’ later, Moony.” He mumbles, taking a step back.  
“Yeah, see you later Padfoot. Will you be back after twelve, do you think?”  
“Dunno. Maybe. I’ll take a key.”  
“Right. Don’t use too many towels, please, and don’t leave a mess in the living room before you go out.” Remus calls after Sirius’s retreating frame, Teddy holding onto his hand tightly.

Once Sirius is out of sight, he looks down at Teddy and manages a bright smile.  
“Right, my young explorer! Let’s get those grizzly bears.”


	3. Pyjama Parties and Cold Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that there is some sort-of graphic content in this chapter!  
> Also, I've brought a lot of people's ages closer together/changed them entirely (e.g Harry and Teddy being similar ages, Molly being not much older than Lily etc).

They didn’t find any grizzly bears. Teddy was disgruntled and disconcerted when they got back to their flat. Remus sighs and ruffles the toddler’s hair, putting him in his high chair - Sirius is gone, but the smell of his cologne is still hanging in the air. He left late, then, as usual. Rem can feel his stomach curdle with the thought of Sirius (he wants to say, _his_ Sirius) sitting down for dinner with someone else. He tries to dismiss the thought - he’s cooking up Kraft cheesy pasta from a box, so really he should be relieved that Padfoot isn’t here

Teddy loves the pasta and makes a scene of getting it all over his face, somehow in his hair and all over the floor between bites. Remus sighs, a paradigm of patience as he mops his son’s mess up with baby wipes, the smell of which seem to be constantly attached to his hands.  
“Come on Tedders, eat it up nice.” He tries, proffering another forkful to his son..Teddy looks at him mischievously. “I’ll give you a big pudding if you do.” Crisis averted, Ted eats the rest of his dinner like an angel.

They’re munching on cookie crisp cereal from the box mixed with mini marshmallows on the sofa, a Scooby Doo episode playing on the telly. Remus has to hope Sirius doesn’t get back early to see this, or he’ll be slaughtered. A text pings up on his phone - _Sirius? -_ but it’s Lily instead. He tries not to be disappointed.

Lily, 19:30  
_Hey Rem, Haz has been driving us wild asking about Teds. Do you two want to come round for a play date? We have a Peppa Pig box set, we got it especially for you ;) - Lily_   
  
_Rem, 19:33_   
_Hi Lils, not sure - play group tomorrow so we’ll be up bright and early. Though the box set is enticing. - Rem_   
  
_Lily, 19:45_ _  
Sorry about that, James burned the dinner again. Need Sirius to do our cooking for us! Anyway, isn’t it a bank holiday tomorrow? Harry is off - he’s convinced he’ll get to stay up all night! - Lily_

_Rem, 19:47  
Oh Christ so it is. Alright, sure - should be there by half eight. See you soon - Rem _

Teddy is beyond excited to head out. Remus packs up a clean pair of Bob the Builder pjs and an outfit for tomorrow. Teds insists on his favourite purple t-shirt that dada picked out for him at the store last month. They get two buses across town before getting to the Potter house and by the time they reach it, Teddy is positively bouncing with excitement - and he doesn’t even know about the Peppa Pig box set yet.

“Hey Moony, hey Teddy! Journey over all right?” James answers the door with a wide grin, pulling his best friend into a bone-crushing hug. Remus doesn’t get the chance to answer as a squeal reverberates down the hall.  
“TED!! MOON!!” Shrieks Harry, rocketing down to greet them in his nappy and nothing else. Lily comes rushing after him holding a pair of pjs, looking harassed. Remus laughs and sweeps Harry up, spinning him around. He screeches his delight before wiggling to be put down, nearly knocking Teddy over as he jumps on him.  
“Hi Remus.” Lily greets him exasperatedly as she gives him a quick hug before setting about trying to get Harry to put his pyjamas on.

With both toddlers in their jammies, they set down in front of the tv with hot chocolates to watch Peppa Pig. Harry was finally convinced to put his pjs on - he’s wearing Peppa Pig ones to match the tv show - and Teddy is quite peaceful as he half-concentrates on building a Lego skyscraper. Lily and James have more money than Remus, so they always have more toys - Teddy delights at trying to make his way through each and every one of them. Remus suddenly remembers to text Sirius to let him know what’s going on.

_Rem, 21:02_   
_Hi Sirius, me and Teddy at Lily &James’s for the night. Back tomorrow (bank holiday so no playgroup). - Rem _   
  
_Sirius, 21:10_   
_Right, see you then. Have a nice night. Say hi to them for me._   
  
_Rem, 21:12_ _  
Hope you’re having a good time :-)_ _\- Rem_

After a little while, James dozes off spread across the whole couch. Lily and Remus both decide to turn a blind eye when Harry gets a cheeky look about him and goes to get his crayola pens. To let nature take its course, they head into the kitchen to get Ted and Harry a warm milk for after their prank - it’s getting late and they’ll be going to bed soon.

“I wasn’t sure if Sirius would be coming through as well.” Lily implores, leaning against the counter once the milk is in the pot to heat through. Remus tries to look nonchalant.  
“He’s out tonight - got a date.” He avoids Lily’s searching look, suddenly interested in the little plastic mugs he’s getting out for the boys’ milk.  
“I see.”

When the milk is warm enough, they pour it carefully from the pot into the mugs. It’s a little on the hot side so they loiter for a minute or two.  
“And are you alright with that?” Lily finally asks, breaking the heavy silence.  
“Me? I mean, y-yeah, of course. I mean, why wouldn’t I be?”  
“I s’pose you’re right. Just thought it might be weird for you two, being so close and all.” Remus hums noncommittally, nursing the warm milk. He suddenly doesn’t feel too well. “Who’s the date with?”  
“Fabian something - don’t know his second name.”  
“Could be Fabian Prewett - unusual name. I’ve heard of him before - I think he went to my school. I knew his sister, Molly - she was head girl when I started at high school. I think that he used to have a fanclub or something. Him and his twin.”  
“Right. Uh, I think the milk is about right now.” Remus picks up the mugs to take through. Lily gives him an inquisitive look before letting it drop.  
“Yeah, ok.”

James has all sorts of creative squiggles on his face when they return, in a myriad of colours. Lily is trying to look cross while Remus stifles his laughter.  
“I shouldn’t even give you your milk!” Lily pretends to scold, but Harry and Teddy both simply giggle, falling over themselves with the hilarity of their prank. James wakes up about then, dazed and confused.  
“Oh, hi, Lils, Rem. What did they do this time? Must’ve dozed off.” He looks sheepish, repositioning his glasses.  
“Nothing, James, just being cheeky.” Lily reassures him, giving Remus a conspiratorial look. Remus smiles, but his mind is elsewhere.

A fanclub? So Sirius (who also had a fanclub of swooning girls and boys at school) is going out with a guy so hot that they had to make a _fanclub?_ The sudden feeling of inadequacy tastes bitter on Remus’s tongue - he feels sick. He’s massaging his temples when he catches James and Lily giving him worried looks - he tries to look reassuring.

Harry and Teddy complain about having to go to bed even though they both keep on yawning and drifting off on the rug. Grumpily accepting a kiss each from the three adults, they consent to bedtime, mainly because they start dozing off when they’re getting carried through. Lily stays in the room to read them The Gruffalo while James and Remus go back to the living room. It’s then that James catches sight of himself in the mirror.  
“What?!” He half squeaks, half yells as he runs to take a closer look at his reflection. Remus stands back, smirking as James rubs at his face, smearing the crayola around. “You!” James whirls around to point at his friend accusingly. “You let them do this! And you didn’t even tell me!”

Remus can’t help himself - he bursts out laughing, unable to stop until he has to sit down and use his inhaler. James is still squawking indignantly even though the boys are supposed to be going to sleep, his face covered in colourful smudges. Lily comes through to check the commotion, her finger marking her page in the Gruffalo. She grins at her husband before ducking out of the room to avoid James’s wrath.

James finally sees sense and washes his face properly at the bathroom sink. The hilarity passed, Remus finds himself caught up in his thoughts again. He can hear Lily and James murmuring in the hallway about something before Lily disappears back into Harry’s room. When James comes through Remus rolls his eyes - he can tell that the conversation was to do with him.  
“So, uh, Moony… How are things?”  
“Fine, Prongs, thanks. You?”  
“Me? Oh, I’m good thanks. Good… Very good. Thanks. But, uh, let’s talk about you, Rem. I’m, uh, we’re… worried… About you, I mean.”   
“Cut to the chase, James, you’re babbling.” Remus groans.  
“I mean, you and Sirius…”  
“Yes?”  
“Does he know how you feel about him?” Lily says this, entering the room at last to save her husband. Remus feels his mouth go dry.  
“What do you mean? He’s my best friend.” Remus does not confirm or deny anything. He’s shaking.  
“But you like him. As more than a friend.” Lily pushes, crossing her arms over her chest.

Remus feels cornered - he can feel his chest tightening and his pulse picking up. He pats at his inhaler, looking anywhere in the room apart from his friends. Lily and James watch him steadily, waiting for an answer. He tries to make up an excuse.  
“I-I uh, I’m not f-feeling so well… It’s just come on… I think i-it’s my asthma.” Remus stutters pathetically, looking for any way out. In his defense, he really isn’t feeling good - there’s a sick feeling in his stomach. He’s suddenly wishing Sirius were here with more intensity than he thought possible - it’s like being in high school again, when Lily wheedled it out of him that he likes boys.

James and Lily look at Remus sympathetically and sigh, obviously prepared to let it go. Remus is wringing his hands together on the sofa, staring down at the carpet. He supposes that this probably gives them their answer.  
“You can leave Teds with us for the night if you want to head back, Rem. We’re thinking of taking Haz to Hamleys tomorrow anyway, I’m sure he’ll want to come.” Remus winces, feeling pitied and ridiculous.  
“But if I’m gone when he wakes up…”  
“It’s _fine,_ Moony. If you feel better in the morning, you can come too.” James smiles kindly. “Does that sound good?” Remus finally concedes, standing to get his coat. “I’ll give you a lift.”

The car ride back is pretty uneventful if not heavily impeded by the traffic. James is silent behind the wheel, watching the road and cursing frequently - Remus doesn’t know why he didn’t just take the bus. His breathing is settled now and his chest has loosened off, but he still feels horrible. He can’t place what the exact feeling is, but it’s making his thoughts all very self-pitying.  
“You okay?” James asks, glancing to his friend in the passenger seat.  
“Yeah, I’m alright… Just… I don’t know.”  
“Feels weird that he’s going on a date?”  
“Yeah. I’m used to him being about.” James only nods understandingly, turning his full attention back to the wanker who just cut him off.

When they arrive back at the flat, James loiters a minute.  
“Look, Remus, about earlier… Sorry if it felt like we were forcing anything.”  
“It’s alright, James. Don’t worry about it.” They sit in silence awkwardly before Remus makes to get out of the car. James, in a state of consternation, blurts out finally:  
“I think you should tell him how you feel.”

Rem pauses, half out of the car. He feels bad to worry James like this - it’s really nothing to be upset about. He smiles reassuringly at his friend before getting out.  
“Night, James. I’ll come round in the morning to go to Hamleys. Thanks again.”

* * *

  
It’s 11 now so Remus is quiet as he climbs up the apartment block stairs. He closes the front door behind him near silently - he can’t hear anything in the flat so he assumes he’s alone. Sighing, he makes a cup of tea and grabs the chocolate cake Sirius brought home for him. He’ll eat this then head to bed.

Remus hums as he takes a bite - the cake is heavenly and the tea warms up his cold hands. He feels better as he cleans up after himself and turns out the living room lights. As he’s walking through to his room, he thinks he hears something - someone speaking. He stops in his tracks and stays very still, keeping an ear out but there are no other noises so he heads on to bed.

Remus is on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth when he hears another weird noise. He thinks he hears a bed creaking in the flat but he can’t be certain. Checking the time on his phone, he shakes his head - it can’t be Sirius, it’s only half eleven. Shrugging it off, he goes to the bathroom and tries to get rid of the uneasy feeling he’s got all of a sudden. ‘There’s no one else in the flat’, Remus tells his reflection, toothbrush in hand. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ But when he’s going back to his room with another cup of tea that will no doubt render his toothbrushing useless, there’s another noise.

Unable to ignore it any longer, Rem sets his tea down in his room before going to investigate. He paces the flat silently, trying to work out if the sound is from above or below.

  
_“S-slowly, oh, just give me a second… It’s been a while…”_

It’s so quiet that it’s nearly a whisper but Remus has always had good hearing. From where he’s standing by the sofa, he can’t work out where the voice is coming from. He flushes at the indecency of what he’s heard. Shaking his head, he decides to try and ignore it and go to sleep. He checks the time again - 11:35. It mustn't be Sirius at this time but it won’t hurt to check in on his room to set his mind at ease before bed.

Sirius is lying back on the bed with his ponytail splayed out behind him. His shirt is unbuttoned and Remus follows the line of his exposed torso down until - oh. Someone (Fabian, his mind helpfully puts in) is there. Between Sirius’s legs. Holding Sirius’s legs up in the air. With his -  
“Oh my god, Remus!” Sirius shrieks in horror, spotting him standing dumbstruck at the door. Fabian whips around in surprise, almost pulling out entirely and Remus is caught between screaming and patting himself on the back because he’s bigger. He’s called back to the moment when Sirius yells at him again. “Remus, can you stop _staring?!”_

Jumping back from the door, Remus turns a deep shade of scarlet.  
“O-oh my g-god, sorry, sorry Sirius, I-I’m - uh, r-right, sorry, s-see you later.” Remus has to awkwardly lean back into the room to grab the door and pull it shut. He even does a little wave. By the time he’s in his room he’s hyperventilating and he can hear his pulse in his ears. This is possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to him.

About twenty minutes later, the joyless encounter is over. Sirius came but it feels like it was more out of necessity - he didn’t enjoy it. He had thought this would be a good idea but now it’s apparent that it wasn’t and he feels the same as before - totally unsatisfied.

Fabian is lying next to him, breathing heavily. Sirius stays perfectly still - after encounters like this in the past he knows not to cry and nowadays he doesn’t even have the urge. While he’s waiting for Fab to catch his breath and get out, he can’t help but wish that it was Remus here, slowing his breathing. Remus would sleep next to him after, he’s sure of it.  
“What time s’it?” Fabian breathes, rolling onto his back and turning half towards Sirius, not looking at him. Sirius checks his phone.  
“Quarter past midnight.”   
“Oh, shit.”

In a sudden flurry of scrambling, Fabian is up and picking his outfit from the floor. Sirius lies in bed and watches him disinterestedly. “You alright?” He asks, sitting up and passing Fabian his boxers from by the bed. He wants to seem friendly but it’s an effort.   
“Last bus is in ten minutes.” Fabian explains as he buttons up his shirt. Sirius pulls the duvet over his lower half and graciously accepts a kiss.

Standing at the door, silhouetted in the hall light, Fabian turns and looks back on Sirius, who smiles at him faux-sleepily.  
“Listen, uh… This has been really great. I’ll message you in the morning - I hope we can do it again.”   
“Yeah, sure. It’s been great. See you sometime.”

* * *

 

It’s half past two in the morning. Remus fell asleep for approximately 45 minutes a little after one o’clock but now he’s wide awake again. His mouth has a bad taste in it and he can’t settle down at all. He keeps on remembering _the incident_ and getting hard, only to lose all desire when his mind projects the image of Fabian against his eyelids once more. It really was the worst thing that could have possibly happened this evening. He feels sicker than at the Potter household.

Sighing his defeat he hauls himself out of bed, dressed in only his boxers. He’ll get a cup of tea, read a few chapters of his book and go back to bed. He throws his dressing gown on but leaves it untied, casting a habitual glance at Teddy’s empty cot before he leaves the room.

In the living room, he flips the lights on and blinks against the harsh glare. He’s surprised to hear a groan from the sofa, having expected to be alone. Please say that Sirius hasn’t kicked Fabian out to sleep on the couch. That had happened at their student halls once and it had been horrendously awkward - and Remus hadn’t caught them in the act that time.

Instead he finds Sirius stretched across the couch with an empty wine glass on the floor next to him. Remus glances around to make sure they’re alone and that he hasn’t walked in on anything (again). He’s relieved to see that there’s no one else in the flat, with Sirius’s room door wide open to show its emptiness.

However, Sirius’s presence makes things difficult - Remus doesn’t know if he should act like nothing at all happened, or if he should joke about it, or what. He hopes that Padfoot doesn’t call into question the fact that he had been staring. Deciding it’s best to just get on with what he came in here for, he walks silently to the kitchenette and puts on the kettle. He can hear Sirius groaning, still struggling with the light. He’s obviously drunk.  
“Moony…” Sirius calls, looking around blindly for his friend. Remus sighs, taking a moment to get the milk and sugar out to steady himself before turning around.

Sirius is still wearing the unbuttoned shirt, but thankfully he’s now also wearing a pair of briefs. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination, but it’s better than nothing at all. Remus can’t really complain - for one, he’s dressed very similarly himself, and secondly Sirius looks bloody good like this. He tries to stop thinking about that immediately after it pops into his head.  
“Yes, Sirius?”  
“Sorry… ‘Bout earlier…” Remus wishes that it hadn’t been brought up - he still doesn’t know how to cope with it and he’s sure that it will haunt his dreams for a fortnight at least  
“It’s fine. How much have you been drinking?” He looks to change the subject. Sirius eyes him groggily and Remus pretends he doesn’t notice the appraising glance that he’s subjected to from his best friend. Sirius only shrugs his answer, flushing all of a sudden. Remus looks down and groans, seeing that he’s half-hard in his briefs and that it’s very, very obvious. He ties up his dressing gown at the front.

Tea made and book collected, Remus supposes he ought to just head back to his room. He’s actually about to do so when Sirius lets out a pitiful whine and tries to roll over, only to fall off the couch. Remus turns back and sighs.   
“Pads, go to bed.”   
“Don’ wanna. Bed’s messy.” Remus grimaces at the insinuations of this but tries not to show it as Sirius looks up at him, sleepy and vulnerable, his ponytail tangled in loops behind him. He snarls his frustration, knowing he’s going to give into this.  
“Fine. Sleep in my bed. I’ll take the couch.”

They make it through to Remus’s room without much hassle. Sirius takes off his shirt and lies down without complaint. Rem sighs, prompting his friend to roll onto his side so he can undo his ponytail. He stands up straight once more, making to leave the room, when Sirius rolls over and grabs onto his dressing gown tightly.  
“Don’t go.” He almost sounds sober when he speaks but Remus knows better - Sirius is just trying to show that he’s serious. “Sleep here with me.”  
“I-I was just g-going to go... “ He starts weakly, but Sirius ignores him and sits up to gain leverage. He pulls Remus down onto the bed and pushes the dressing gown off his shoulders, letting it pool to the floor. Rem is trying to control his breathing, staring at Sirius while Sirius is staring at him - at his torso, down towards his thighs, loitering here and there. He doesn’t know what to think.

Without further ado, Sirius flops back onto the bed again. He waits for Remus to lie down (stiff and awkward) next to him before throwing an arm over Rem’s chest, then promptly falls asleep. Remus tries to stay still so as not to disturb Sirius and soon drifts off also, his earlier sleeping troubles forgotten, his tea going cold by the bed.

 


	4. Hamleys, Bees and Too Much Wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: Dada = Sirius, Daddy = Remus 
> 
> Sexual harassment trigger warning. I'm sorry about Fabian.

When Sirius wakes up, his legs are tangled in the duvet and he’s alone. Realising it isn’t his ceiling that he’s looking at, he sits up sharply before groaning and falling back. Hangover - right. A quick scan of the surroundings (without moving his head) tells him he’s in Remus’s room. 

 

It doesn’t take long to remember all of last night - Sirius is a bit of a lightweight but he hadn’t drank that much. Thinking on it, a bad feeling unfurls in his stomach and he wishes that he had drank more to avoid the memories. He tries to distract himself - he can hear someone clattering around in the kitchen and he hopes to god that nothing is on fire. It’s weird not having Teddy here to chase him out of bed.

 

“Morning.” Remus smiles as he bumps the door open, holding a glass of water and paracetamol in one hand and a plate of toast in the other. Half of the toast is burnt - the way that Remus likes it - and the other half is barely done - how Sirius likes it.    
“G’mornin’” Sirius replies, propping himself up with the pillows. “Time’s it?”   
“Nearly 9.”

 

Remus hands Sirius the water and pills before climbing onto the bed. He places the plate of toast in between them and takes a bite. Sirius sees that Remus is already up, washed and dressed and suddenly feels exposed in only his boxers under the covers. Trying not to let his embarrassment show, he pulls on Rem’s dressing gown to cover up.

 

The toast is good and the silence is awkward. Sirius is thinking of last night, of being walked in on by his long-term romantic interest and best friend, having sex with some guy. Never mind that he was pretty much naked and bottoming. Remus had just  _ stared  _ as well, which was what was even more humiliating. Because if Rem was ever going to look at him in that way, then was not the time. He has to force himself not to run away in his embarrassment.

 

“Sleep okay?” Sirius is desperate to break the silence. Remus chews his toast and shrugs.   
“Dunno - pretty well. But you were kind of on top of me most of the time. And it’s weird not having Teddy here.”   
“Yeah, uh, what happened with that, anyway?”   
“Didn’t feel well - wasn’t really up to staying the night so James brought me back. I’m meeting them outside Hamleys at 11 if you want to come.” Sirius nods, his mouth full of toast. They lapse back into silence. 

 

Sirius can see that Remus has something he wants to say - he isn’t great at masking his feelings. He keeps on shooting Sirius awkward, searching glances before taking an intense interest in the bread crumbs he’s getting in his lap.    
“Sorry about last night.” Remus finally spits out once the toast is finished, unable to avoid it any longer. Sirius flinches - awkward conversation ahead.   
“S’alright. I thought you were out.”    
“Yeah… I mean, I just wanted to check in - I didn’t realise you were there. Or, well, that um, Fabian? Was there. I hope I didn’t, y’know, ruin the mood or anything.”    
“I hope we weren’t too loud or anything.”   
“No, no…” Remus’s voice is too conversational and he’s obviously strained. “So, uh… I mean, I don’t want to pry but… I mean, were you… Okay, after? I mean, um, you just seemed… I don’t know. Just, with the um, the wine and um, you were quite… How can I put it… Um… Clingy? After? I just, um. I worried.” Sirius groans and puts his head in his hands. Remus always makes things so awkward.    
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”    
“O-Oh, that’s fine. B-but I’m always here to listen.” 

 

Sirius looks at Remus steadily and sees him blushing, unable to look him in the eye. Rem has always been so quick to get nervous, especially when he’s asking personal questions - it had been hilarious playing truth or dare in high school. Sirius reaches a hand out and places it on Rem’s, patting it lightly.   
“Thanks, Rem. And thanks for the toast - just right.”   
“Well, at least I can work a toaster. Come on, we should get ready to go out.”

 

Remus tries to argue that Sirius doesn’t need to go to great lengths with his appearance for this outing but it’s no use. Padfoot has always been proud about his image and he takes the time to uphold it every morning, no matter the occasion. When they meet at the front door, Remus has been reading for half an hour with tea, waiting. He’s wearing a dark grey t-shirt, black skinny jeans (upon Sirius’s insistence) and a huge navy cardigan that hangs off him despite his height and broad shoulders. For once, Sirius doesn’t groan at his fashion choice.   
“You’re learning!” He commends cheerfully, reaching up to ruffle Remus’s already messy hair. Sirius himself is wearing a pair of pale blue jeans and a dark green jumper that Rem recognises as his own. When he points this out, Sirius only ‘hmph’s and tosses his long black braid over the shoulder of his leather jacket and asks if Remus remembered to bring his inhaler.

 

James, Lily, Teddy and Harry are waiting outside of Hamleys when they get there. The minute Teddy sees them, he throws himself first on Rem, then on Sirius.   
“Dada! Daddy!” He shouts, tugging on Remus’s jeans to be picked up. When Rem obliges, Harry looks put out and turns to his daddy to get picked up. James gives Haz a nonplussed look and high-fives his outstretched little hands. Lily rolls her eyes and puts Harry up on her shoulders.   
“Don’t pull my hair, Haz. And you’ll have to walk in a minute, okay? You’re heavier than you look!” 

 

Inside, Hamleys is filled with families there for the bank holiday. There are bubbles and little toy helicopters and aeroplanes flying through the air, toy cars zipping back and forth around the floor and loud colours everywhere. Harry shrieks his excitement and runs to the tubs of dinosaur dolls, scooping up four into his arms at once. James has to rush after him to put the dolls he drops over the carpet back into the buckets before they can get trodden on.Teddy is looking around, totally bewildered - he’s never been to Hamleys before and it’s all very loud and new.

 

Rem sees his son’s consternation as he places him down from his hip. He ruffles his blonde hair softly and gives him a big smile.   
“What toys do you want to look at, Teds?” He’s already worried about what Ted might possibly ask for once he’s seen all the toys available - the budget is tight this month. “Do you want to look at the costumes? Or the stuffed toys?”

 

Uncertainly, Teddy wanders towards the stuffed toys and reaches up to pet a few. There’s a big dog nearly taller than the toddler sitting by the display with glassy eyes and thick black fur. Teddy spots it and squeals, pointing it out to his dada.   
“It’s like Pads! Dada, it’s like Pads!” Pads is the little dog that Teddy holds in his cot at night. Remus groans - of course his son would take a liking to the biggest, most expensive toy in this section. Just like his dada.

 

Sirius lifts Teddy up to see all the other stuffed toys - tigers, kittens, a turtle, a wolf, a rabbit. Teds reaches his hands out to each one to pet their soft, synthetic fur and coo at their adorable, tiny faces. He finds a little lizard bean bag toy whose tail wraps perfectly around Teddy’s thumb, where it hangs from as they tour the rest of the shop.

 

Harry is bashing on an interactive display, not able to get the screen to respond. Lily rolls her eyes and ushers her son along to the Action Men before he can break anything. Teddy decides to look at the dress up sets next and stands, puzzled, in front of all the boxes. He can’t read yet so he traces his fingers along the somewhat familiar letters and frowns at them until Sirius laughs and crouches down to read them out to him.   
“There’s a doctor, a policeman, Peter Pan, a Power Ranger, a firefighter and a chef. Look, the doctor one has a stethoscope! That’s for hearing your heart. And the firefighter one comes with a hat. Do you like any of them, Ted?” Sirius asks, looking at Teddy encouragingly. However, Teddy doesn’t really look impressed - he turns around to the other side of the aisle.   
“These?” He asks, gesturing to another row of costumes. Remus raises an eyebrow before crouching down too to read to his son.   
“These ones are nurses, princesses, fairies, popstars, butterflies and bees. Do you like them better?” 

 

Teddy looks between Sirius and Remus worriedly. He turns back to the doctors and policemen before turning to look at the dresses.   
“Bees…” He mumbles, patting the box displaying a little girl in a little yellow and black dress with a sparkly tutu. Sirius smiles warmly and pats the toddler on the back.   
“Cool. We’ll get that one, then.”

 

In the end both the kids do pretty well for themselves. Harry gets a new pack of crayola pens (much to James’s chagrin), a policeman suit, a stuffed lion toy and a Pop Up Olaf game from Frozen. Teddy gets his lizard (now called Wriggles), a mini plastic pet carrier for the little toy and the bee costume. James gets an Etch a Sketch ‘for Harry’ but really, for himself.

 

After a quick lunch in Pizza Express, the two families split up - Lily, James and Harry are going to head home and change before going to dinner with old school friends. Sirius and Remus, having no plans, try and decide what to get up to. Teddy wants to go on the London Eye, which he wants to do every time they’re in central London, but Remus doesn’t have the patience for the queues.

 

In the end they go to a cinema nearer their flat and watch a couple of movies - first, they go to a showing of the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, which gives Remus a headache. Then, upon Sirius’s insistence, they watch Goosebumps and share a tiny, overpriced tray of nachos and a bucket of popcorn. Teddy wants a slush puppy but he gets a brain freeze after a few sips, so Sirius gets to drink it all - Ted insists Dada has to have it and not Daddy, because daddy has a chocolate milkshake. Sirius looks very smug about this designation and takes extra-loud slurps of the slush to rub it in Rem’s face.

 

When they get back to the flat it’s after dinner time. Sirius sighs and consents to a Chinese takeaway, as long as Remus let’s him write the meal plan for this week. Teddy is dancing around the flat, waving Wriggler about ecstatically while Remus picks out some sides. The order is, in the end, far too much for two and a half people. Sirius orders the Thai green curry with boiled rice and a rack of BBQ king ribs all to himself. Remus is similarly greedy with honey lemon chicken, vegetable fried rice and banana fritters for after which he promises to share with Teddy. As Teds is quite picky, they order both chicken and sweetcorn soup for him, and chicken and ham fried rice in case that doesn’t work out. The ‘just-eat’ order totals up to a pretty neat sum of money that makes Rem flinch as he pays.   
“Next time, we’re having Indian.” Sirius insists moodily.

 

Sirius and Teddy spend the wait for the food setting up a picnic space on the living room floor. Remus has to reach the top shelf in the store cupboard for an old blanket they can use, a garish tartan affair they had used at university for early afternoon beers in the park. They set out their best crockery and cutlery - aka the neon-coloured animal knives and forks and the Disney bowls and plates with little spaces for sauce in the corner. They fill the three Scooby Doo cups they collected from past trips to McDonalds with milk and when the food arrives, they spread out all the takeaway boxes on the blanket and sit on pillows from the bedroom to eat.

 

They put Sophia the First on the tv and Remus watches Sirius devour all three of the tubs of food he ordered with valour. Teddy manages half a bowl of chicken soup with the sweetcorn picked out then eats chicken and ham fried rice with tomato ketchup. Padfoot can barely contain his exclamation of horror at this flavour combination, but he knows better than to come between Ted and his ketchup.

 

In the end, all three of them get one of the small banana fritters each because Remus is full after eating half his chicken and rice. Sirius tries to finish them off for him but he swats his hands away indignantly.    
“That’s my midnight snack for when you two cheeky rascals are asleep!” Remus complains jokingly, resealing his food. Sirius is about to launch into a lecture about the dangers of reheating takeaways when Teddy sneezes mid-mouthful and sprays banana all over both of them.

 

Once the dishes are done and the episode of Sophia the First is over, Teddy is positively exhausted and it’s getting late - much later than his usual bed time.   
“Ok little guy, bed time. Playgroup tomorrow so we’ve got an early start.” Remus sweeps Teddy up and takes him through to the room to change him. Sirius’s shirt is still strewn over the bedroom floor, a reminder of the night before. 

 

Teddy is already asleep as Remus is putting him into his cot, so there’s no need for a bedtime story. Sirius is sitting cross-legged on the sofa when he gets back, undoing his braid. Remus stretches and yawns, tired from the long and rather social day. He’s already thinking of his leftovers in the fridge.

 

They sit together in front of the tv, Sirius jealously eyeing Remus’s plate of food while a Friends re-run plays. Rem casts a few glances Padfoot’s way and notices he’s on his phone again. The realisation causes a bitter feeling to spread in his stomach. He clears his throat once he’s finished a mouthful.   
“Another date with Fabian on the cards, then?” 

 

Sirius looks up from his texting to give Remus a surprised look - he hadn’t expected him to be so forward.    
“Dunno.” He shrugs, looking down at his phone again, his hair forming a curtain to cover his face.   
“Was he a dick?”   
“Ah, I dunno. He wasn’t awful. It was just that…. Well, it’s hard to say… It’s just the way he was, like. Well, he was obviously wanting into my pants. And I’m not sure, I mean… I didn’t really… I wasn’t really… Interested… I mean, I’m used to it. I don’t know, Rem.” Remus is looking at Sirius with concern, his food untouched.   
“Sirius… Did he do something to you?” Sirius looks up, alarmed.   
“What?!”   
“Was he at all forceful? Did he take proper care of you? Did he hurt you in any way or make you do anything? Is that why you didn’t want to sleep in your bed last night, Sirius? Sirius, tell me, did something happen?”

 

It’s a surprise, hearing Remus get this worked up about it. Sirius hadn’t meant to make Rem freak out in any way and he certainly didn’t mean to give the impression that anything untoward had taken place. In the end, Sirius hadn’t really wanted to have sex with Fabian but he had said yes - he couldn’t call it anything other than a casual fuck. Fab hadn’t even pressured him - it had just seemed like the right thing to do.   
“Oh my god,  _ no,  _ Remus, it wasn’t - he didn’t - oh my god. No, he didn’t force me at all, he was very polite and… and  _ consensual _ . It’s just wasn’t what I had planned for the night, I mean I haven’t had sex in - well. Well, that isn’t important but. No, he didn’t, um... He was caring enough. I mean, he rushed off after and whatnot but like I said, I’m used to that. It’s okay. You don’t need to worry.” 

 

Remus looks unconvinced and doesn’t say anything. They sit in an awkward silence, the conversation unfinished but neither willing to continue it. Sirius’s phone pings with a new text, giving him an excuse to look away.

.

_ Fabian, 22:05 _

_ Hey, I’m near your place - can I come around? I want to see you x _

 

Sirius sighs, staring at the text. He checks the time and looks over at Remus, who is eating his food again. Maybe he had been too harsh - he hadn’t really given Fabian a fighting chance, considering all through the date and also in bed, he’d been comparing him to Rem. ‘Rem wouldn’t touch me like that’, ‘Rem wouldn’t talk to me that way’. Maybe it’s only fair to give him a second chance in the comfort of the flat.   
“Hey, um, Rem… Friend from work just text asking to come round for a bit. I was wondering if you minded…?”   
“Me? Uh, I mean Teddy is asleep but, I guess as long as you don’t wake him…”   
“Of course, of course - I’ll keep him quiet. I mean, he doesn’t have to come over if you’re staying up or anything, it was only if you were heading to bed.”    
“No, no, I’m going through now. Just, uh, prepare for Teds being loud in the morning - don’t expect a lie in.” 

 

Remus isn’t long in his room when Fabian arrives. He’s wearing a wine-coloured button down shirt and a pair of black dress trousers - date attire. They sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine and chat. It turns out that Fabian has indeed just been out on a date but that he was ‘so boring’ and ‘so not sexy’, so on so forth. Sirius can tell he’s already been drinking.

 

To his horror, Remus re-emerges from his room once they’re a glass and a half down each. He looks at both Sirius and Fabian and obviously recognises Fab by the awkward look he suddenly has. He mumbles something about just heading to the bathroom and disappears inside, locking the door behind him. Before the door closes, Remus gives Sirius a confused and vaguely annoyed look - Pads has been caught out in his lie. Sirius feels like his heart stopped right then - Remus appearing messy-haired, shirtless and stubbly in the same room as his one night stand. It makes it hard  _ not  _ to compared Fabian - who is gorgeous in his own right - to Remus, who is dorky and darling in the best way.

 

Fabian sees the way Sirius looks at Remus and gets a harder, more serious look about him which he masks by laying on extra charm. Sirius barely notices - he’s moving swiftly through his wine, barely putting the glass down between sips. He feels awkward having Fabian here all of a sudden, in his personal space - he’s trying to get by that by having some more to drink.   
“The thing was, the whole way through the date, you were all I could think about. We really hit it off last night and he wasn’t living up to my expectations.” Sirius hums in a way that’s meant to be sympathetic, leaning his head to the side. “You looked so good last night, Sirius, and now, with your hair down…” He reaches out to stroke his hair, something Sirius rarely lets anyone do, “you look even better.”    
“You flatter me - I bet you say that to all the guys.” Sirius jokes flatly, not interested in Fabian’s advances. He can see that Fabian is simply lonely and looking for someone to share a bed with. He wants to sympathise, considering he too is lonely, but he doesn’t want a repeat of last night.

“No, not at all! I mean, I’ve been on a lot of dates but I mean, you’re different. I thought we got along really well with each other, don’t you?”   
“I mean, yeah, it was a nice date.”   
“Wouldn’t you like to do that again? I mean, we’re too late for dinner, but…”   
“I mean, I don’t know Fabian… It’s getting late.”   
“It wouldn’t take long - I know how you like it now, so we could make it fast if that’s what you want.”   
“I dunno… I’m kind of drunk and I need to get up early.”   
“Really? This time if I stayed, we could spend some more time together in the morning…”    
“I don’t think so, I don’t really feel like it tonight. Sorry, Fabian.”   
“Can’t I convince you otherwise? If you gave me a chance…” 

 

Both Fabian and Sirius jolt when the bathroom door opens unexpectedly. Remus walks into the room looking stormy - Sirius had forgotten he had come through.   
“Can’t you tell he’s not interested?” Remus snarls, taking a step towards them on the sofa. Fabian puts down his wine glass to throw his hands up defensively, looking shocked.   
“Woah, woah, I think we’ve misunderstood each other.” Fabian starts, leaning back in his seat with a grin that’s meant to be appeasing. “Sirius and I were just recapping how nice our last date was. Weren’t we, Sirius?”   
“I - “ Sirius begins to reply, looking between them.   
“I  _ know  _ what you were talking about and I want you  _ out  _ of my flat _ , now.”  _ Remus growls lowly, advancing further into the room. Fabian is starting to look worried.   
“I don’t know what you’re saying here - “    
“I’m telling you to get the fuck out. How  _ dare  _ you come into our home and try and force yourself on Sirius? You’re disgusting. Get out,  _ now.”  _   
“Remus, calm down, it’s fine -”    
“No, it’s fine, I’m leaving. I’ll leave you and your boyfriend alone.” 

 

Fabian slams the door, leaving Remus fuming in the living room with a pale, shaking Sirius. They stare at each other silently for a few moments until Teddy starts crying at the loud noise. It’s enough to break Remus out of his enraged trance, and he quickly disappears into the room to settle his son. Sirius is dumbstruck - he’s never seen Moony get that angry and he’s never blown up at anyone like that apart from a few times at his close friends. It just doesn’t make sense - had he been listening in on their conversation? Sirius doesn’t know how he feels about that. He’s still reeling, half drunk and beyond confused. It’s like someone pretending to be Remus broke into the flat, it was so unexpected.

 

Standing up slowly, slightly unsteady on his feet, Sirius looks around the living room. He isn’t sure what to do now. He drinks the last of his wine quickly, the bitterness of it making him wince - there was most of his third glass left. He rubs a hand over his face, stressed out. Before he can continue to contemplate what to do now, Remus reappears from the room, this time with his dressing gown on for modesty. He crosses to Sirius, reaching out to place a hand on his arm.   
“Are you okay?” Sirius stares up at him, trying to make his mind work.   
“Yeah, uh… I’m just… Shocked.”   
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I overreacted, I know you could have dealt with it yourself. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m just… I got angry.” 

 

In his tipsy state, Sirius almost doesn’t realise it’s a bad idea to reach up and touch Remus’s face now, or to tell him how much he needs him and wants him. To tell him how  _ hot  _ he is when he’s angry. Luckily he does manage to remind himself not to do that.   
“It’s… It’s fine. Just a shock. Don’t worry about it.” 

 

Remus nods reluctantly and drops his hand which had still lingered on Sirius’s arm, absently stroking the fabric of his jumper. He can see that Rem wants to say something more, but decides better of it.   
“Did you, um… Want to sleep in my room again?” Remus asks tentatively, stuffing his hands into his dressing gown pockets. Sirius smiles at his friend and shakes his head - he’d rather sleep on his own to try and process what had just happened.   
“Nah, Rem, it’s okay - I’ll let you have your space. Thanks anyway.”   
“Right. Well, I, uh, better head to bed - gotta get up early in the morning. Um. Sleep well.” 

 

When Remus’s door is closed, Sirius hesitates in the living room for a few more moments. He feels dazed and not at all tired though it is late. Picking up one of Rem’s cardigans from the sofa, he goes to his room and strips down, crawling into bed in his boxers and the cardi. The scent of the soft fabric is comforting but it doesn’t help him sleep. By the time he manages to drift off, he can see the sun rising.


	5. Dessert for Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, Nym appears! Some background on Remus and Nym's relationship here. Note that Teddy calls Nym 'mummy' & Nym is trans male.
> 
> Warnings for some pretty explicit stuff! Prepare to hurt.

The week goes by without incident. Sirius takes on a lot of overtime during the week and goes to work before the restaurant opens; returning after it shuts. On a couple of mornings, he’s already gone once Remus gets back from taking Teddy to play group. He regularly hasn’t come back by the time Teddy has been put to bed.

On the few mornings Sirius is still there when Remus gets back, he stays in his room or takes over the bathroom. So Rem occupies himself with spring cleaning and finds errands to run throughout play-group hours. Teddy is put out by his dada’s absence but he’s enjoying the amount of junk foods he gets to eat when Remus is in charge. One night they have sausage sandwiches, another night they get McDonalds, and their snacking increases as well. Sirius would kill them if he cared to find out, but he hasn’t checked the bin as he often does for evidence.

On Friday afternoon, play group ends earlier than usual and Teddy goes to a crèche for a couple hours along with Neville from his class while Remus goes shopping for groceries. Sirius usually comes with him for this so they can take the car instead of lugging the heavy bags back on foot - but today there’s no sign he’s coming. Luckily, he only breaks one egg on the way back.

This weekend, it’s Nym’s turn to have Teddy, so Remus has packed some of his son’s things in advance. They have dessert for dinner - chocolate cake, strawberry jam doughnuts and sweeties mixed with Cookie Crisp, washed down generously with strawberry milkshake. Teddy is trying to explain the video they put on at play group today - something to do with talking hand puppets - when they hear the door open. Remus jumps up to conceal the evidence of his unhealthy food choices, straight away thinking Sirius is home. He sags in relief when Nym rounds the corner, grinning his usual cheeky grin.  
“Where’s my boy, then?!” Nym crouches down and catches Teddy as he hurtles towards him once Rem has lowered him out of his high chair. Remus smiles, sitting back down at the table. “Here he is, here he is!”  
“Mummy! Mummy!” Teddy screeches, jumping up and down in Nym’s arms.  
“Hey Nym, we were just eating – you want some?”  
“What are you having?” Nym stands up and puts Teddy back in his high chair, eyeing the table curiously.  
“Um... Dessert for dinner.” Remus admits guiltily. Nym laughs and sits down across from him, next to Teddy and takes over feeding his son without a second thought. Teddy is delighted that his mum is here to feed him. He always likes going with him.

 Once dinner is done and Teddy’s face is cleaned of chocolate, Nym and Remus sit on the sofa with tea while Teddy runs around the flat looking for his favourite toys to take.  
“How’ve you been then?” Remus asks, nursing his mug close to warm his hands. Nym shrugs and smiles wearily.  
“Been okay. Working overtime just now because we’ve got a new head of department, he’s dead strict so we’ve had to tighten up. The amount of paperwork, Rem, jesus... How about you?”  
“Ah, alright. Nothing new. Sirius has been weird this week, barely around. The other night he invited this guy around who was a total dick. After that he’s been… Well, weird. I don’t know.” Nym raises his eyebrows inquisitively but Rem doesn’t go into it any further. James isn’t the only one who has ideas about Remus’s feelings towards Sirius.

Teddy runs back in holding his pet carrier which he’s crammed Wriggles, Pads and god knows what else into. He holds it up to show Nym that he’s ready to go, grinning wildly.  
“Have you packed everything up then, little guy? Got your pjs and your toothbrush?” Remus nods to this, knowing that Teddy has no idea what has and hasn’t been packed for him. He walks Nym and Teddy to the door after setting their empty mugs down by by the kitchenette sink.

 “What are you guys going to do this weekend then?” Remus asks as they loiter at the open door. Nym hums thoughtfully.  
“I was thinking maybe the zoo. Or I might take him on an open top bus tour if it doesn’t rain – he liked that last time. Next time I have him on a week day I _might_ take him to the London Eye, but not on a weekend. I’d rather die.”  
“I will _never_ set foot on the London Eye.” Rem states resolutely. Nym laughs, remembering both his hatred of queues and his fear of heights. They used to live on the top floor when they were in university – it had been hilarious for everyone but Remus.  
"What are you up to this weekend then? Since you’ve got the days  off, so to speak.”  
“I don’t know, probably spring cleaning – I’ve been working on it during the week but there’s plenty left to do.”  
“Well... Good luck with that. Anyway, we’re off – I left the car parked on double yellows. See ya’, Rem!”  
“Buhbye daddy!” Teddy cuddles Remus’s legs before being swooped away by Nym, giggling and squeaking as he runs off with him. Rem waits until he can’t see them anymore then shuts the door.

It’s quiet in the flat without the toddler there to keep him busy and Remus doesn’t know what to do with himself. He tidies off the table and clears leftovers into tupperware boxes, gathers up Teddy’s toys into their box and decides to have a long shower.

Ducking out of the bathroom, Remus is clad in only a towel wrapped around his hips, his hair tousled and wet. He doesn’t realise that he’s not alone until he nearly drops the towel tripping over a stray building block.   
“Woah there.” Sirius says, steadying Remus with a cold hand - he’s just home from work. Rem can tell by the smell of cigarettes on his fingertips. Sirius always smokes after a long, difficult day at work. Remus flushes, one hand steadying himself and the other gripping the knot of his towel, the only thing preserving his modesty.   
“Thanks. Uh, hi.” Remus smiles awkwardly, taking a generous step back from his friend. Drops of shower water are rolling down his slim torso and Sirius has to force himself not to follow them with his eyes until they reach the top of the towel.   
“Hi.”   
“Good day at work?” Rem asks, though he already knows the answer. Sirius rarely has a good day at work.   
“As if - I’m off for three days and it’s like everyone forgets how to do their fucking jobs.”

 Remus listens patiently to Sirius’s rant about halfwits at work and how no one knows any manners, about stupid customers and people ordering well-done steaks.Then he goes and puts on some boxers and his dressing gown, intending to watch some television. Recently he’s been watching Merlin on Netflix (using Lily’s account) and he’s always excited to have the chance to watch more. Teddy hates it so he can’t watch it with him.

Sirius is in the kitchenette when he comes back into the living room. He’s cooking himself dinner, humming to the tune of a song on the radio. Remus flops down on the sofa and turns on the television, but the opening credits for Merlin haven’t even ran half way before he hears an indignant squawk.

“And _what_ do you call _this,_ Remus John Lupin!”

Sirius is holding up multiple empty cheesy pasta boxes and a McDonalds happy meal box. Remus hadn’t thought to conceal the recycling bin - it’s sitting right next to the fridge. Cringing, Rem holds his hands up and shrugs.  
“ _What_ have you been _feeding_ our son!” Sirius snaps. “I told you to eat _healthily!_ ”   
“Ugh, Sirius, it’s only a few meals worth. I mean, it’s not so bad… It’s like a cheat day. Or week.”   
“Don’t think I didn’t see the desserts in the tupperwares! Don’t you think I don’t notice these things! You know, Remus Lupin, one day all your chocolates and cakes are going to catch up with you!”   
“Oh my God lay off me, it’s fine. I’ll like, do some sit ups. Now let me watch my tv show and go eat your healthy people pasta.”

Remus is only half concentrating on Merlin - he’s also considering other things. He liked hearing Sirius talk about Teddy like that - ‘our son’. It reminds him that Sirius has taken responsibility for Teds and that he can’t leave so easily. After Nym, Remus still struggles to trust that everyone close to him won’t leave without warning. And Teddy depends on Sirius - on his dada. He can’t imagine how the toddler would take it if _another_ parent figure disappeared out of his life apart from any weekend they could spare.  
  
It’s so difficult to make Teddy understand - Nym’s reason for leaving was complex. Nym realised that he wasn’t comfortable in a mothering role full-time after coming to terms with his gender identity. He had to leave, but not fully or permanently. The maternal - or paternal - connection between he and Teddy is just as prevalent as in any parent. But Nym simply had other priorities. Remus sighs - he had always accepted Nym, there was no question to it. What he had never forgiven his ex-husband for was his flightiness. That he could break ties so easily, like cutting through paper. Nym had disappeared for a year, Remus unable to reach him in any way - new phone number, unknown address. Teddy had been inconsolable. It wasn’t until Nym had ‘come to terms with things being the way they are’ that he had shown up again.

Each time he sees Nym, he gets a bitter feeling. Part of Rem has never forgiven him for leaving - for all the nights he spent sleepless, Teddy wailing in his cot for ‘mummee, mummee’ and howling even more when Remus scooped him up. For suddenly never paying any of the rent so that he had to foot all of the finances on his own, making it eventually necessary for Sirius to move in when Remus couldn’t keep up working raising a child on his own. But he has to be supportive. He has to be understanding - it had been difficult for both of them.

Sighing, Remus is startled to realise that he has no idea what’s going on in Merlin. He turns the telly off, causing Sirius to glance his way, curious. Remus just shrugs.  
“Couldn’t get into it.” He explains, standing up. “I’m going to go to bed - could use an early night.”

 

Despite his every intention to sleep in, Remus wakes at 7 in the morning as usual. He groans when he checks the time and wills himself to go back to sleep, but it’s too late - he’s too awake already, casting a habitual glance to Teddy’s empty cot. He can hear Sirius rattling around in the kitchen and decides to get up and have breakfast with him - they’ve spent most of the week apart.

Rem can’t lie in saying that he’s disappointed to see Sirius dressed for work as he potters around in the kitchenette. He kind of hoped they could spend some time together, maybe talk about the other night.

Thinking of Fabian makes Remus’s skin crawl - the anger he’d felt then was still pretty potent. He wants to talk to Sirius about it - he wants to know whether or not anything more than what he saw had happened. He knows that Sirius has often had bad luck in his love life and some of his partners have been less than caring.

“Morning.” Sirius breaks Remus out of his thoughts, looking up from a cup of coffee. Remus smiles, eyes downcast.  
“Hey. I didn’t realise you were working the weekend.”   
“Well, I usually do - last week was a one off.” Sirius shrugs, used to the daily grind at this rate. Remus sometimes forgets that Sirius enjoys his job, despite all of his complaining. He had enjoyed his job, too, before he’d had to leave it.

They sit with their breakfast at the table. Remus keeps on getting lost in his thoughts which are buzzing in his head like a whole swarm of bees.   
“Sirius.”   
“Hm?” Sirius looks up from his second bowl of cereal, mouth stuffed.   
“Why did you lie the other night? You know… About it being a work friend.” Sirius chews for a few moments before putting down his spoon.   
“I just thought it would be easier that way.”   
“Easier?”   
“I mean, you obviously didn’t like him when I spoke about him. And it would have been awkward to invite him around.”   
“Awkward? Why? Because I caught you shagging?”   
“I mean, yeah, well…”   
  
They sit for a few moments, Remus having lost his appetite - breakfast is always a hit or a miss with him. He has a sensitive stomach in the morning.  
“Because you were inviting him around for a shag?”   
“What? Of course I wasn’t. Have you forgotten why you decided to stick your nose in my business in the first place?”   
“Oh, right. I see - so I should have left you to your own devices that night because you were handling it perfectly, I get it. If you were just playing _hard to get,_ you could have let me know. Seeing as I scared your _boyfriend_ off, if that’s the case.”   
“Rem, no, that’s not what I meant-”   
“And if you _had_ invited him around for a fucking shag, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t do it with my _son_ sleeping in the next bloody room.”   
“And where else am I supposed to shag people, Remus? Would you prefer I do it in the toilets of a club like when we were in university? If I do recall, back then you told me to ‘ _get some class.’”_

“I- It’s not my bloody business who you decide to shag or where - “  
“I fucking _know_ that Remus. I was starting to think you’d forgotten - “   
“But I’d really like knowing that I can walk around my flat and not wander in on you shagging some guy- “   
“Your flat? _Your_ flat? Sorry, _you_ asked me to move in, I’m paying _two thirds_ of the rent on this place for you, you told me I was welcome to live with you as long as I wanted and now it’s your flat?! That’s really fucking rich, Remus. Go fuck yourself.”

Sirius is up and out of the flat before Remus has the time to know what to say. It doesn’t take him long to work out that he totally ballsed up that conversation, though.

Sirius is in a bad mood all day, blowing up at everyone in his path for the littlest things. By the end of his shift, everyone on staff is giving him resentful looks whenever he passes within their line of sight. When his shift is over, he stays on until the restaurant is closed. He helps with the dishes and the mopping, the scrubbing of all the surfaces. He wants to work all the anger out of himself before he has to go back to that stupid fucking flat and face his beautiful son-of-a-bitch best friend.

Everything is sparkling and Sirius almost feels like he might be too tired to keep on being angry. But then he remembers everything Remus said and he’s off like a firecracker all over again. So he does the only logical thing - he goes out for a drink in his favourite bar.

On a Saturday night it’s incredibly busy, the place is packed bar to wall. Sirius almost doubts he’ll get served, all the bartenders so harassed they barely notice him hailing them to take his order. Eventually he manages to get a word in edgeways and he immediately feels better with a drink in his hand. He tries not to think of why this relief is so familiar to him as he drains his cup.

The world gets easier the drunker he gets. He feels at ease in this packed bar, exchanging impartial touches with strangers. He orders a few drinks and then a few more and time slips by like sand through a sieve. He doesn’t mind when people grab his ass or even when they rub against him when they dance. It feels like he’s proving something. He knows Remus would disapprove of this, that he would want to take him away from this place. He’d want to be settled in the flat, reading and drinking tea and watching fantasy tv shows. He’s always been like that - bookish and introverted. Sirius almost hates him for a second because of this defiance he’s feeling. He wants to prove to Remus that he can handle himself and that he can do whatever the hell he wants as a grown adult. So when Fabian somehow materialises next to him in a booth, he spots an opportunity.

“Hey, babe.” Fabian croons, placing a hand over Sirius’s own. Sirius treats him to a wide grin, leaning his head on his hand.   
“Hey. Fancy seeing you here.”   
“I saw you coming in but I didn't think you'd want to see me.”   
“Why would you think that, babe?” Sirius mocks concern, putting down his drink.   
“Well, the other night… I’m really sorry, babe, I wasn't being forceful. I hope that what your friend said didn't make you see it that way."   
“I know Fab, it's okay. Rem just thinks he's always right - just ignore him.”   
“I know, I know. It just upsets me that someone so close to you was so rude to me. It makes me feel like I don't have a chance with you and I like you so much.”   
“I like you too, Fabian. Me and Rem are just old friends - we're not as close as we seem.”   
“Would it be bad of me to say I'm glad about that? I can tell he and I won't get along. He acts like he owns you - he's weirdly possessive. You should tell him you're not interested.” Sirius laughs along with Fabian flatly.

Sirius lets Fabian buy him a drink but he knows he’s near his limit - drink much more and he’ll be throwing up more than he’s taken in tomorrow morning. He sips it slow and smiles, staring unabashedly at Fab, who is staring at him. He doesn’t startle when he feels a hand on his leg, Fabian’s, or flinch when it begins to work its way up his thigh.  
“You know… If you and Remus aren’t on such good terms, you could come back to my place…” Fabian murmurs into Sirius’s ear before pulling back to give him a meaningful look. Sirius smiles, tilting his head coquettishly.   
“Come back to your place, hm? Why, anyone would think you’re trying to seduce me, Fabian.”   
“Me? No…” Fabian grins ear to ear, faking his indignance.

Fabian’s house is not very big, but very stylishly decorated. Sirius barely has the chance to look around it though, being dragged through it as he is. He quickly finds himself in a bedroom with lightly painted walls, one being floor to ceiling mirrors on the front of the wardrobe. The decor is tasteful - deep autumnal colours on neutral shades. He’s being hastily undressed as he notes these things, realising the bed sheets are soft and of good quality when he’s pushed back on them. He only comes back to his current situation when he feels hands on his knees, gently pulling them apart.

“You look so gorgeous…” Fabian murmurs, the words swimming through Sirius’s head. He leans up on his elbows and smirks at Fab, allowing him to undo his hair from the ponytail. He hears himself moan when hands slide down his back, then across his shoulder and over his torso. Fabian is telling him again and again how beautiful he is, leaning down to kiss his chest. “So hot… I want you so much, Sirius…”

When Fabian slips off Sirius’s boxers, the last piece of clothing he wears, he leans back and stares down at him. Sirius stares back up, smiling.  
“Take a picture - it’ll last longer.” Fabian’s face positively lights up.   
“Are you serious?”   
“Yeah - use my phone. And tell you what - why don’t you send the pictures to Remus. Show him that I can fuck _whoever_ I want. See who’s laughing then.”

The next morning was bound to be painful but nothing prepares Sirius for the feeling of battering rams pounding on his skull, or the ache in his ass. These are the first two things he notices when he wakes - the next is the piercing light coming from the crack of the curtains.   
“Oh Jesus fucking Christ.” He groans, throwing himself out of bed and into the ensuite bathroom where he promptly empties his stomach. Not for the first time, he considers he ought not to drink so much - or at all, if he can help it.

Fabian comes in once he’s finished, leaning to tuck a strand of Sirius’s hair behind his ear for him. Looking up at Fab, the first thing he thinks is that he had hoped it wasn’t him. He had hoped it was Remus.

Fabian tries to get him to eat something but he can’t stomach it. Instead he takes a cold shower, curled up in foetal position on the tray while he works through the sick feeling gnawing his guts from inside to out. After half an hour he’s shaking violently from the cold and has to towel himself off vigorously to get the feeling back into his limbs. That makes him feel sick again. Idiot.

In time he starts to feel more human, so he figures he can’t keep putting off talking to Fabian about the night before. He has a feeling it’s going to be awkward.

They stand by the front door together, Fabian about to go to work and Sirius about to make the journey back to the flat.  
“Listen, Sirius… We’re okay, aren’t we? I mean, last night was amazing for me… And I think you enjoyed it too.”   
“Yeah, Fab, it was great. Thanks…”   
“I was just… Well, I hope this doesn’t sound ridiculous or anything. But I was thinking that you and I are good together. And I was wondering if we could maybe give this a shot… You and me. Like, more than what we are now.”   
“You mean like… A relationship?” Sirius keeps shifting his weight from foot to foot, nervous and sick. Fabian’s gaze is unflinching.   
“Yeah. A relationship. Do you think we could try it? I mean, after last night, after how good I made you feel… Surely you owe me.” Fabian gives a cheeky grin but Sirius gets the uneasy feeling that he’s only half joking. He smiles weakly, hoping that any awkwardness on his part can be blamed on the hangover.   
“I guess we can give it a go.” He concedes, already thinking of how much Remus will hate this. It firms his resolve, somehow - he needs to show Rem that he has a life of his own. “I would like to try.”

He’s on the bus when he finally unlocks his phone and sees the pictures. There are four in total, all sent to Remus and also saved on his gallery, plus one video. Each picture is of Sirius in various positions. First on his back, legs spread, smirking into the camera. The next is of him on his hands and knees, his forehead pressed into the pillow. The third is the most graphic - him on his knees in front of Fabian - and the fourth is him after orgasming, sleepy and smiling. The video is the worst part, though. Sirius puts earphones in, looking around him to make sure no one is able to see his screen. He feels violently ill when he realises that all this has been sent to his best friend. The person he’s been in love with since high school.

_“Uh, Fabian, fuck… Easy, easy… Be gentle…”_

The camera is moving in quick jerking motions, leaving no doubt as to what is happening just out of the frame. Presently, Sirius is shivering as he stares at his screen. He can’t believe his eyes. Remus hasn’t texted back but Pads knows that he’s seen it - Rem always checks his phone if it’s him. He calls Fabian.

“Fabian - I just checked my phone. What the _fuck_ were you thinking? How fucking dare you send these photos to Remus -”   
“Woah, woah, Sirius, wait a second - you asked me to send those to him. You told me it would show him you could, y’know… Be with whoever you want.”   
“W- _what?!_ I did not - I… I didn’t… Oh fuck, I did.” Sirius thuds his head into his free hand, hardly able to hold it together. Just a few more stops and he’ll have to face Remus, somehow.   
“Yeah… Did he reply?” Sirius can hear the smirk in Fabian’s voice and it makes him want to punch him.   
“No, Fabian. Of course he didn’t. What could he have said, hm? Why didn’t you consider that I was way too drunk, that you shouldn’t have listened to me? And then you have the nerve to ask me to go out with you! After that! You weren’t even that drunk, were you?” Fabian interrupts his tirade before he can keep going, putting in soothing words and hushed compliments. Sirius groans, the stress of the situation making the hangover so much harder to deal with.   
“I’m sorry, babe, I really am. I just, I get jealous okay, and I wanted him to know that you’re _mine._ And I just… I got ahead of myself, okay? Look, I’ll make it up for you. I’ll take you to dinner. How about that? So I can have you to myself again.”   
“Ugh, look, Fabian, we can talk about this later. Sure, dinner, fine. But… Well, it’s my stop. I have to go. Bye.”

The walk up the stairs to the flat feels like miles and Sirius can barely force himself up the last flight. Once at their floor he tries the door - locked. Somehow, he’s relieved. At least he doesn’t have to deal with Remus just now. But the other part of him is disappointed - part of him wants to deal with this now.

He wants to know how Remus felt opening those photos, watching that video. Was he angry? Did he get hard, despite himself? The thought of having that effect on Rem makes Sirius bite his lip, wondering what Remus might say to him when he gets back.

These are all the thoughts he has while he gets out his keys and unlocks the door. But as he opens it, they vanish.

The flat is in chaos. He doesn’t see it at first because the curtains are drawn in the living room so everything is dimly lit. Then he sees that the table they put their keys on is overturned. The picture frames are smashed. In the living room, there are books thrown everywhere. Clothes seem to have crawled out of Remus and Sirius’s rooms and strewn themselves over every possible space. The glassware from the kitchen is lying, broken, on the floor and the lamps have been tossed near enough across the rooms.

As if in a trance, Sirius surveys the mess. He walks from the living room to the bathroom, where the mirror is cracked and all of the toiletries are on the floor, various scents mixing in the room because of the broken bottles. Remus and Teddy’s room is trashed - there are none of Remus’s clothes in the wardrobe, they’re all on the floor. Sheets of paper from Rem’s bedside table are torn in half, thrown onto the carpet and the pillows are in the hall. The only things that aren’t thrown everywhere or broken are Teddy’s. He knows it must have been Remus who did this.

Finally, Sirius makes it to his own room. It’s much the same as the others - wrecked and torn apart. However, he notices there are little pieces of paper amidst the chaos, wrapping paper in Sirius’s favourite shade of red. There are two things on his bed, which has been stripped, the sheets lying on the floor, one torn through the middle. They are neatly folded, untouched. Sirius picks them up, hardly knowing what he’s doing. One is a pair of well-made black dress trousers from his favourite brand. The size is perfect, too - he never knew Remus paid any attention. The other is a button down shirt in a shade of purple that Remus had told him he liked before - he said it made him look even more handsome than usual, and he should be happy that people weren’t physically drooling when he wore it.

Sirius stares at the outfit - these aren’t his clothes. He didn’t buy them. He looks at them again, noting the colours, the textures, the quality, brand, sizing. It’s all perfect. It’s like he had chosen them himself. He shakes out the trousers again to check the length of leg against his own. A little note falls out from the folds. Sirius picks it up, unfolding it. He recognises Remus’s messy scrawl anywhere - he’s lucky he can even read it.

_I’m sorry. I overreacted and I was out of line. I bought you these - maybe we could go for dinner, if you would like. My treat - but only if you want to. I know you’ll still be mad.  
_ _Yours,  
_ _Remus_

  
  


  



	6. Spring Cleaning, Espressos and a Lot of Swearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for this chapter - I had a touch of the old writer's block. Managed to churn this rather short one out, I hope you'll all enjoy it!
> 
> Definite warnings for explicit language and a lot of references to sexual activities. Manipulative/abusive relationship warnings are pretty relevant here, too.

Sirius spends hours cleaning up the mess Remus left. He had expected someone to call him by now - Rem himself, maybe Lily or James. Even a lecture over the phone would be welcome just now. All of the songs on the radio are far too cheery - he can’t stomach them.

Once even the skirting boards have been scrubbed and the grout in the bathroom cleaned, Sirius finally starts to get tired. Despite usually hating domestic chores (he’s the king of the unmade bed), something about agitation and anxiety makes him a neat freak. He re-irons each of his shirts and dress trousers, even working through his t-shirts in time. He can’t sit down because of his nerves.

“So what if Remus doesn’t come home tonight. I bet he’s just busy. He probably didn’t even care about the pictures - he’s used to me being stupid when I’m drunk.” Sirius tells his reflection, standing in the bathroom to polish the mirror again. “He probably laughed. I bet he got so embarrassed… Won’t stop him from telling James and Lily about it, though.” He tries to laugh at the thought, but he feels sick. How could he have let this happen? Of course it isn’t okay.

No calls. No texts. Sirius’s phone hasn’t pinged all day but he keeps on checking it. He tries to make himself dinner, just some toast, but he knows that Remus would make it better. The thought puts him off. Thinking about Remus leads to thoughts of last night, making him queasy.

The sun has already set when he finally stops cleaning. Remus isn’t coming back. Feeling like a criminal, Sirius creeps into Rem’s room and snoops through the laundry basket for an old t-shirt and hoodie. He feels better in these clothes because they smell like Remus, a safe smell of chocolate, tea and coconut shampoo. He’s such a sweet freak.

The phone rings at 8 o’clock and Sirius nearly drops it in his haste to pick it up. Looking at the screen, disappointment fills him up. _Fabian._ He considers declining the call for a second before his manners get the better of him. Begrudgingly, he holds the phone to his ear.

“Hi, Fabian.” Sirius tries not to sound too joyless. If Fabian notices anything off, he doesn’t mention.  
“Hi, babe. Sorry I’m late - just got away from an old friend. He’s a real character. Anyway, I was thinking of going to the new restaurant opening up near mine for dinner tonight. It’s very bijou.”  
“Fab, I can’t tonight. I’m not feeling great.”  
“But we said we’d go this morning! I thought we were going to give our relationship a real go, Sirius. That means you have to _try._ ”  
“I just don’t feel good tonight, okay? We can do it another time. It’s nothing to do with not trying.”  
“It just sounds like an excuse to me, if I’m honest. You were fine when you left this morning.”  
“God, it’s been, what, 12 hours since then, Fabian. I’m allowed to not bloody feel well.”  
“Is this about last night? I thought you enjoyed it.”  
“Well, last night is a definite factor. It’s complicated things for me, you know.” There’s a long pause on the other side of the line and Sirius takes the spare moment to strengthen his resolve. He can’t let Fabian push him around like the other boyfriends. He needs to start this out right.  


“To be honest, Sirius, I’m disappointed. I thought it was good fun, and the photos? I mean, why should you care what he _thinks_ of it? You told me you’re not close. If you don’t want to go to dinner with me, you could just say.”   
“He’s my friend, Fabian. Of course I care - I’ve known him since I was 14. And if you haven’t picked up on it, I _have_ said no.”   
“Whatever, Sirius. Maybe you’re not that invested in this relationship if you won’t even come for _dinner_ .”   
“Maybe not, Fabian. Anyway, I’m going now. Bye.”   
“I’ll see you soon.”

Sirius resists the urge to throw the phone over the room when he hangs up. What on earth has he gotten himself into with Fabian? He’d been so hungover this morning, he’d not known how to say no to his proposition of a relationship. And now here he is, being harassed over the phone because he doesn’t want to go out for the second night in a row.

Sitting on the sofa, he tries to settle down. It looks like a long night of tv watching and trying to fall asleep. CSI reruns are on so he puts that on - he’s always loved these shows. He used to want to be a lawyer like his father. It takes half of the episode to invest himself, but he’s leaning out of his seat by the final quarter. Finally, his nerves begin to dissipate. Then there’s a knock at the door.

_It’s Remus. I bet it’s him, he probably lost his keys in all the mess. He’s finally come back and now I can actually talk to him and make it better._

Fabian is dressed in a shirt and dress trousers, his hair perfectly styled. Sirius just stares at him, confounded that he’s even here.  
“Um… Hi, Fabian. Did you need something?”  
“You’re coming to dinner with me, remember?”  
“Wha-... Actually, I’m pretty sure we said no to that tonight. You must have forgotten. Well, this is embarrassing, but I really must get back to-” Fabian waves whatever Sirius is about to say away and cuts in effortlessly.  
“I understand you’re worried the restaurant won’t be your thing, but I checked the menu - you’ll love it. Now, come on, let me in - whatever happened to your courtesies, Sirius? You were very good last night.” Sirius flushes beet red at the reminder of last night’s escapade. The time it takes to process the awkwardness lets Fabian get himself halfway through the door. Sirius frowns at him.  
“I said _no,_ Fabian. Pick someone else up.” He insists, not budging an inch despite having to stand very close to Fab to do so.

“Sirius, come on. Stop being such a stuck up prick. Come to dinner.” Sirius looks down at the floor and scowls. It takes so much energy to keep on turning Fabian down - he feels tense and worried, burnt out. He’s always struggled to say no to people he’s in a relationship with and even now that he keeps on trying, it makes him stressed and upset. He wants to be alone but he’s too worn out to keep trying to force Fabian out.

“Fine. I’ll go get dressed.”  
“Good boy. Oh, and you might want to fix your hair… It looks really messy.”   
“Say a word about my hair again and you’re going to dinner alone, Fabian. You’ve got shit date etiquette, by the way. You shouldn’t have to force people to go out with you.” Fabian looks hurt at this, finally keeping his distance from Sirius. Feeling successful, Padfoot stalks into his room to change, fuming.

“Oh, that’s a nice outfit. I knew you really wanted to come out - you even planned what you’d wear. Talk about playing hard to get!” Fabian is looking at the shirt and trousers that Remus bought Sirius. Sirius had left them out in case Remus wanted to take them back to the store if he was revoking his dinner offer.  
“No, I really didn’t want to come out. That’s for something else. They were a gift.”  
“Something else? You’re not planning on going out with someone else, are you? Who gave you them?” Sirius shoots Fabian a withering look, which is totally ignored.  
“Remus.”  
“Well, you won’t be going out with him anymore, will you?”  
“He’s my _friend,_ Fabian. You do realise I’ve only known you for about a week?”  
“Yeah, but we get along really well. Him, however… Well, I don’t know what you see in him.” Seeing that Sirius is bristling at that, Fabian backs down.

“What do you mean?”  
“Nothing. Later. Anyway, are you putting it on or what?” Fabian gestures to the outfit again. He picks up the shirt and holds it against Sirius’s chest. “It might wash you out a bit, but I think it will be fine. I could have chosen a better outfit to be honest.” Sirius scoffs at that, taking the shirt away from Fabian.   
“Yes, I’m sure, but we don’t all have the privilege of expendable income, do we? I think it’s really nice.”   
“All I’m saying is I would have picked a different colour. Put it on, then.”   
“I said no, Fab. I’ll wear something else.”

In the end, Fabian manages to bully Sirius into wearing the shirt, but not the trousers. Feeling guilty, Sirius locks the door behind him and follows Fabian down the stairs. _Remus isn’t coming home tonight. It’ll be fine - he’ll never know._

The restaurant is indeed bijou, though quite busy and also quite expensive. He insists he isn’t hungry enough for a main meal and refuses all alcoholic beverages despite the fact that Fabian orders him wine. He leaves his glass untouched, determined not to let Fabian get him drunk again. Fab himself isn’t drinking because he brought the car tonight. No doubt he’d hoped to take Sirius home after for more than a coffee.

Begrudgingly, Fabian orders Sirius sparkling water and they share a couple of side portions then a dessert. In truth, Sirius is starving but he won’t let Fab pay for him then use that as leverage to bring him home. There’s no way that the “I deserve it” trope is going to work on him tonight. He rounds off the date with an espresso. By this point, he’s actually warming to Fabian a bit more - he’s still an absolute prat but he can be funny and charming when he feels like it.

“So, I guess that’s us then.” Sirius and Fabian are standing outside the restaurant. “I’ll get a taxi back to the flat. It was lovely of you to split the bill with me, by the way.”   
“I won’t hear of it. It’s terribly late - you’d be better just coming back to mine for the night.” Fabian is standing so close that Sirius can clearly smell his aftershave. He rolls his eyes.  
“No, I’m really tired. I’m just gonna head back to the flat.” Fabian pouts, taking a step back.  
“Fine, have it your way. But let me give you a lift back.”  
“Ever the gentleman.”

Sirius doesn’t talk during the journey, content to stare out the window and half-listen to Fabian’s rambling. When they get back to his building, Fabian cuts the engine.  
“Well… Are you going to invite me in for a coffee?” Sirius smiles, both amused and tired.  
“You can see me to the door.”  
“You’re really not putting out tonight, are you?” Fabian grumbles, stepping out the car anyway. Sirius sighs, sitting in the quiet for a moment before getting out too. _You can do this. It won’t be like last time._

The walk up the stairs is silent apart from their echoing footfalls. Sirius tries to strengthen his resolve, tries not to think about the possibility that Remus will be home and see him in the shirt. The door is locked when they reach it, a good sign.  
“Well, tonight was nice.” Sirius tries to make his words sound final and very, very certain. Fabian doesn’t pick up on it.  
“And I’m sure the afterparty will be even nicer.” Fabian suggests, raising an eyebrow. He’s so expectant, obviously thinks he’s so _entitled._ Sirius’s blood curdles for a moment - Remus would never treat him like this. He takes a deep breath - this relationship is going to take a lot of work.  
“And I’m sure you’ll have a good time finding an afterparty _somewhere else._ ” Sirius steps into the flat, again blocking Fab’s entrance. Fabian doesn’t look like he’s going to let up when Sirius’s phone rings, providing a distraction. “Oh, I better take that. See you later, Fabian. I’ll text you in the morning.”

With the door safely shut behind him, Sirius goes to the living room window as he pulls his phone out of his pocket to watch Fabian get into the car and drive away. Squinting down at his phone screen, he’d expected it to be a work friend telling him how terrible the day had been. His breath catches in his throat.

_Remus._

“Remus?” Sirius tries to make himself sound nonchalant. He doesn’t want Remus to think he’s won that easily. There’s a long pause on the other end of the line and all Sirius can hear is breathing. He thinks he hears a small sniff. “Rem?”  
“Sirius? Can you pick me up?”  
“Yeah, of course. Where are you?” Sirius feels relieved that he refused to drink at dinner. He quickly goes to his room to get his car keys and change his shirt - what Rem doesn’t know won’t hurt him.  
“I-I d-don’t know. I’m lost. I w-went for drinks with James and tried to w-walk back b-b-because I th-thought I knew where I was. James g-got the bus. I-I… Y-you know I’m a lightweight…”

Sirius tries to sound soothing as he pulls on the tshirt he had on before that he had taken from Rem’s wash basket. Shrugging the hoodie on afterwards, he’s again wrapped in Remus’s smell. It helps him keep calm as he patiently questions Remus about what he can see around him, if there’s anything he recognises. Rem panics easier when he’s drunk, despite being quite level headed these days. Sirius works to keep his voice even.

Out in the car, Sirius puts Rem on loudspeaker and keeps on talking to him as he drives. Remus doesn’t say much, occasionally sniffing here and there. Padfoot feels overprotective, reminding Rem constantly not to move, not to talk to anyone, he’ll be with him soon. From the sounds of things, Remus isn’t too far away.

It turns out Rem is only 10 minute’s walk from the pub he and James were at. Figures - Remus has a terrible sense of direction. As he pulls up at the side of the road, Sirius sees the bitter look Remus gives him, mixed with relief. Cringing, he looks at the steering wheel.

“Hi, Rem.” He whispers, barely audible over the purr of the engine. Remus bumps his head getting into the car and cusses. “You okay?”  
“M’fine.” Remus refuses to look at him, making Sirius feel even worse. He never lies about how he feels when he’s drunk and Padfoot wishes he would. “I’ll sleep at a hotel.”   
“Don’t be silly, Moony. I’ll leave you alone - you can just go straight to bed when we get back. Okay?” He gives Rem an imploring look. Conceding, Rem puts on his seatbelt and goes back to looking out of the window.

The drive feels twice longer than the drive there. Sirius can barely concentrate on the road. He tries to ask Remus where he’s been, but he gets ignored for his trouble. Sighing, he gives up.

Remus doesn’t give the clean flat a second look - he’d obviously expected Sirius to clean it up. Sirius feels a little indignant at that, kicking his shoes off at the door with more force than necessary.  
“I’ll let you get to bed, then. Night.” Sirius grumbles, watching Remus walk into his room. He stands by the door for a second, contemplating the evening and feeling totally drained. Remus walks back out of his room, looking confused and angry.  
“Wait, no. No, I’m not going to bed. We need to talk.”

Sirius groans, turning away from Rem and heading to the kitchenette for a glass of water.  
“We can talk about that tomorrow. You’re drunk.”  
“Well you do a lot more than _talk_ when you’re drunk, Sirius, so I’ll do _whatever I BLOODY want._ Got it?” Sirius turns around, already blushing and totally shocked.  
“Excuse me?” He challenges, hardly able to believe Remus is talking to him this way.

  
“You fucking heard me. It could be something to do with _these,_ perhaps?” Remus is holding his phone up, open on the photos Fabian sent last night.   
“What, so I’m the only one who makes mistakes when I’m drunk, yeah? Un-fucking-likely, Remus.” He snarls, crossing his arms over his chest.   
“You’re the only one who gets off on sending nudes to your best friend, you’re the only one getting shagged when there’s a fucking toddler in the next room, you’re the only one who won’t even accept responsibility for any of your FUCKING actions. You’re such a fucking _child,_ Sirius.”   
“Well I think I covered the topic of where I fuck people pretty well the other day when I told you to _go fuck yourself.”_ Sirius snaps, making for the bathroom, his room, anywhere he can hide. He feels himself flushing a dark red and his eyes are stinging with tears - he doesn’t want to let Remus see him cry.   
“Don’t you dare walk away from me, Sirius Orion Black. You stay right bloody there. You go off shagging some guy in the flat without even waiting for a night Ted isn’t here, you get mad at me about it, you avoid me for a whole fucking week. You know that he was upset about that, right? He kept asking for you. And you wouldn’t come. You’re supposed to help. I had to do the shopping alone, I did _all_ the spring cleaning - “   
“And then trashed it all again.”   
“Then you send me pictures of you sucking cock, getting fucked, for god’s sake, a video of you _moaning_ and you expect me to just talk about it _reasonably_ when I’m _sober_ and when it suits you?! I thought… I thought you knew how I felt.”

Sirius huffs, looking down at his feet to hide his tears.  
“I _know_ you don’t like Fabian. You don’t like anyone that I bring home, but you can’t try and tell me who to be with Remus.”  
“That’s not what I meant. You never get it. You’re so fucking wrapped up in yourself, you never notice.”  
“Well I’m not a fucking mind reader, Remus. Fuck you.” Sirius finally lets Remus see that he’s crying before all but running to his room and slamming the door behind him.


	7. Kiss It Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear. At least Teddy is there to help these idiots (everyone say thank you to Lily too)

It’s five in the morning when Sirius wakes up. His body feels tense and sore, like he slept wrong, but he knows it’s just because he’s stressed. He fell asleep perhaps 3 hours ago, maybe even four. Sweaty and parched, he sighs - there’s no chance he can get back to sleep. Everything cracks as he slowly heaves himself out of bed. 

Going to the window, Sirius pulls back the curtains. Last night, he fell asleep in Remus’s t-shirt, which was absolutely sodden with tears by the time he drifted off. Not one to let anyone know that he’s crying, Sirius had done his best to be quiet. Another night, Remus might have come through to his room to comfort him but not last night. Remus had stormed around the flat, slamming doors and making Sirius think he might be wrecking the place again. 

It’s when he’s standing at the window that he hears the noise. It’s a weird groaning that startles Pads from his reverie. He turns away from the slowly rising sun, wriggling into his boxers before wandering out of his room to find the source. 

It’s not difficult to find where the noise is coming from. Remus is curled up on the bathroom floor with the light off, his hair sweaty and mussed up over his eyes. Sirius sighs and kneels down next to him.  
“Oh Rem, you idiot…” Remus whines and tries to turn his face away but Sirius turns him to face him with a cool palm - Rem’s face feels hot and Pads can see that he’s been crying. Stroking his hair back from his forehead, Sirius waits to see if Remus will speak to him. Wondering if he’ll shout at him again, or if he would if he had the energy.

Remus doesn’t say anything, just wiggles himself slowly so he’s got his head in Sirius’s lap, never looking at him once. Sirius doesn’t try to start a conversation. They sit there, Remus half-wheezing and Sirius silently brushing Rem’s hair out with his fingers.

“Sorry.” Remus finally huffs out, still looking stubbornly away. Sirius raises a brow, no longer brushing his hair. He looks down at Rem quizzically.  
“Sorry…?” He prompts. Sirius has been fighting with a mix of guilt and hurt all night and he wonders what it is he’s waiting for Remus to say to make that better. Rem lies there motionless, still wheezing a little. “Oh, jeez, one second.” Sirius breaks away from him, standing and half-running to Rem’s room. He returns with the inhaler, pressing it into Remus’s hands.   
“Thanks.” Rem says, his breathing easing off.

“Remus... “ Sirius sighs, sitting down on the lid of the toilet and pulling his hair back from his face. Remus is maneuvering himself to sit with his back against the shower door. Now, with the light on, Sirius can really appreciate the green tint Rem has to his skin. It makes him want to pity him, to forgive him, but he doesn’t let up. He isn’t angry, but the hurt still pervades. If he’d even just say sorry… “Remus, last night…” Remus groans and drops his head into his hands, scruffing up his hair.  
“Do we… I mean, can you give me a moment?”  
“How long’s that moment gonna be? I mean, you’re a real winner at the silent treatment… You know, you’re even better than Lily.” Sirius tries to laugh at his own joke but when Remus’s face barely even twitches he can’t keep it up.  
“Sirius, what I said… I think we should talk about it.”  
“I mean, that’s why we’re here, right? To… Talk about it. I mean, you were here to throw up because you can’t handle your drink but now I’m here so please don’t do that.” Remus gives him a dry look, begging him to stop trying to be funny. Sirius clears his throat awkwardly and looks away.

Remus manages to make it to the couch with some help and halfhearted ribbing from Sirius. They sit there, Rem with some water and Sirius with a coffee, on opposite sides of the sofa. Sirius watches Remus warily, wondering what will come of this. He has a million things on his mind - the last couple of days have been pretty bad. 

Rem isn’t looking at anything particular, his face turned down. He has his knees drawn up to his chest and he looks small and fragile, all pale and sickly. Sirius reminds himself that he doesn’t pity Rem - he did this to himself. It’s karma, if anything.  
“Last night…” Remus croaks after a few sips of water. Sirius is watching him intently, admiring him and low key hating him for making him feel that way all at once. “I mean, I said a lot of… things.”  
“Yep.”  
“I meant a lot of them, too.” Sirius winces, looking away to the side. Remus is looking up at him now and he can’t stand to meet his gaze.  
“Right.” Pads mumbles dully, seemingly addressing the tv. Rem sighs.  
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to react to it, Sirius, I mean… Naked pictures of my best friend being sent to me? And from Fabian, who, from what I understand, is a total cock, no less. It’s more than a little confusing.”   
“I don’t think you get it. There are ways to react without screaming at me, lecturing me about my bad parenting and making me feel like classless scum. I don’t see the benefit of being up on your high horse about it?” Remus glowers and Sirius fights to keep his resolve. He gets the feeling that neither of them can win this argument.  
“It seems funny to accuse me of being on my high horse when you’re sitting here lecturing me about how to be reasonable when I’m drunk, mate.”   
“Well I don’t have to be right to tell you that you’re wrong.”

Remus makes a series of angry faces and hand gestures, seeming to be physically restraining himself from saying something probably quite offensive. Sirius grits his teeth, quietly fuming. They don’t say anything to one another for a minute or two, trying to keep calm.  
“That isn’t the point, Sirius. I didn’t mean to be a dick, ok? And I’m sorry about it.”  
“Well that isn’t good enough!” Sirius snaps. “For god’s sake, I thought this would make it better but it hasn’t. You literally shoved the pictures in my face, Remus, and I’m not exactly proud of them. You literally humiliated me.”  
“Not like you’ve never done the same to me before.”

The conversation dies as Sirius recoils like he’s been slapped. He looks at Remus, shocked, and grasps for words.  
“Remus, that… That was totally different, and it was a long time ago -”  
“If I remember correctly it was 10 years ago. Weird, because I remember it like it was fucking yesterday. Some things just stick with you, I guess.” He shoots Sirius a bitter, resentful look.  
“Why are you bringing this up? I don’t get it. I mean, we were in high school Remus, we were seventeen for god’s sake. Haven’t you let it go?”  
“All I’m saying is that you never actually apologised. And you know how things went after the whole school was suddenly privy to the info that I’d been with boys and that I fancied my best friend. It was juicy gossip, you know?”  
“Rem, it was so long ago, I don’t know how I can make that better at this point -”  
“You can’t. But what you can do is get the fuck off your high horse. You think you’re so misunderstood, like some arsehole turned kicked puppy, and I’m sick of feeling guilty when I’m mad at you. And how about you keep your fucking nudes to yourself, Sirius? Fabian can have them, you can quit bloody tormenting me with them. Oh, and one last thing - don’t bring that stupid prick around when I’m here. I’d rather never see him again if I can avoid it. And that includes his cock.”

“You know what, Remus? You can have the nudes, you can go wank off over them or something. You’re bringing up things that happened 10 years ago to back up your argument. You’re always so judgemental about who I go with, and I know I‘ve made mistakes but I can’t get what, or who I want. And I fucking hate being so alone. I don’t know what you want from me.”   
“You know what, Sirius? I wouldn’t even know how to ask.”

Remus is up like a shot, surprisingly fast considering he could barely walk without falling over. Sirius, fuming, does nothing, simply watches Rem stumbling about in the hall putting shoes and a coat on, grabbing his wallet and slamming the door behind him. Snarling to himself, Sirius stands up and throws his mug of coffee across the room, stomping back to bed.

Lily hadn’t been expecting a visitor, especially not Remus in sweatpants and Sirius’s jumper, scowling and dripping wet in the rain. She hasn’t, in fact, gotten dressed yet, having just seen James off to take Harry to visit her in-laws. She sits down at the table in her pjs with a coffee, trying to read Rem’s stormy expression as he towels his hair off.

“What did he say, then?” She sighs, dipping a digestive into her coffee even though she hasn’t had breakfast.   
“Who said he said anything? And who is he, sorry?” Remus snaps, staring moodily down at the table. Lily raises an eyebrow pointedly and sits back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. Sighing, Remus’s posture loosens off just a little bit.  
“Sorry, sorry… It’s just all fucked up.” Lily nibbles on her digestive, trying to get it as soggy as she can without letting it fall apart into the tea.   
“It’s fine. You look like you’ve barely slept, and you smell bad. I don’t expect you to be peachy.” Rem smiles at her, glad for her understanding. Lily has always been there for him, happy to share tea and a shoulder to cry on as long as no one tries to eat her biscuits. “So are you going to tell me about it or what?”

 

Remus explains everything. He even gets his phone out and shows her the photos, which make her scream for a solid 10 seconds. Despite himself, Rem can’t help laughing.   
“It’s a dick. I don’t know what’s so shocking about that - you’ve had a baby, Lily.”  
“Yes, but Sirius is like, effectively my brother in law. It’s weird. And uncomfortable. I mean… You can see Fabian or whatever’s dick going i-”   
“Yes, I know fine well what you can see, Jesus.”  
“Well… Well… Yeah!” Lily busies herself with her coffee for a couple of minutes while she forcibly forgets what she just saw. Remus pockets his phone, happy to have the pictures gone. Usually thoughts of Sirius in a position like that would keep him hard for days but considering the nature of the nudes, it does the exact opposite. Part of him feels like Sirius is his and the pictures threaten that.

“Remus, have you told him yet?” Lily is standing by the sink, letting Remus crack on with the breakfast dishes even though he didn’t eat any. Rem scowls at her.  
“What do you think?”  
“Are you serious? How long are you going to wait? I think you just mentioned, you’ve liked him for like, a fucking decade? Are you going to wait and wait and wait and then get like, I don’t know, dementia, in the hopes of finally forgetting about it?”  
“Yes, I thought I would go out and actively seek dementia as a remedy for this. And there hasn’t exactly been a good time to do it, thanks.”  
“When is a good time? Is it to do with like, the position of the moon? On a cool night below, let’s say, 5 degrees Celsius, when the moon is full and the wind is blowing at roughly 38mph so that his hair blows back just so and the moon will hit his ‘silky pale skin’, pulling your breath away in a single gust. When you both happen to be wearing your best boxers, by coincidence. And neither of you has eaten anything spicy in a fortnight. Is that the idea?”  
“Jesus Christ Lily, a) stop writing fanfiction, and b) anything spicy? Seriously? I thought you were prudish. And that’s just weird. Also it’s nothing to do with the moon, thanks.”   
“You know what I mean though. Just fucking tell him. It doesn’t matter if you tell him under the bloody Eiffel tower or if you tell him over your Sugar Puffs at breakfast. You could sing it in the shower loud enough for him to hear. Or start leaving loveheart sweets in all his pockets and in his underwear drawer. Or send him a formal email. Or spell it out in bloody spaghetti-os at dinner. Or fucking… Fucking… Tell him!”

Remus is more than happy when Lily suggests they go and buy ingredients for baking, finally taking them off the topic of Sirius. Harry’s nursery has a bake sale running next week and she’s been asked to make cakes for it. Not that Lily, or Rem for that matter, can bake in the slightest. They’re both quite terrible. In the end they bake 4 batches of incinerated cookies and resign themselves to making rice crispie cakes when Rem discovers a whole bar of chocolate in the inside pocket of his coat.

“James is due home soon.” Lily sighs, looking down at her watch. “I was enjoying the peace and quiet.”   
“I wouldn’t say screaming and choking on smoke from cookies after violently killing them with arson is quiet, but okay.” Remus is flopped down on the sofa, an arm over his eyes. Baking is surprisingly tiring.   
“Quiet compared to a screaming, overexcitable toddler. And then there’s Harry to think about.” Grinning, Rem sits up. He better be going to get Teddy soon, anyway.  
“So Lily, what’s the plan with that anyway? When are you going back to work? Your constant snapchats are driving me mental.”  
“Oh, I don’t know… Maybe next year. I just don’t want to miss anything with Harry, you know? And the practice is fine without me, really. They’ll make do for another while, plenty of doctors to go round… How about you?”  
“Isn’t the NHS like, hugely understaffed? Anyway. Not sure either. I’d start applying for the start of the new school year but if Sirius is serious about Fabian, he might move in with him by September… Then there would be no one to look after Teddy when he’s not in play group. It will be easier once Teds starts school, then we’ll keep the same hours. I miss working at the primary school but I’ve got enough to keep me occupied.”  
“Couple of years until Teds will be heading to primary, though… He’s what, 2 now?”  
“Yeah, pretty much three now.”

They stand in silence, having slowly worked their way towards the front door while they were speaking.  
“Do you really think Sirius is serious about Fabian?” Lily asks, avoiding Remus’s eyes.  
“I don’t know, Lils… He’s always serious about them to start with, you know? He throws himself in, just like when we were 18. And then he finds out how horrible they are as if no one already told him, and stays with them anyway because he doesn’t know how to say no and because he’s too proud to admit he was wrong… I worry about him, you know? But at the same time, it makes me so angry.”  
“Yeah… I just hope it’s not like last time.”   
“Me too.”   
“I just couldn’t stand to see him like that again… He got so skinny and he never slept and he didn’t find anything funny anymore, even James couldn’t make him smile, and he didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone, even you, and he always wants to see you. You were the first person he asked for, you know? And suddenly, he just… I don’t know… Just ignore me, I don’t mean to bring up all that stuff.”   
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Rem gives Lily’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze, trying to seem more certain than he really is.  
“Do you think he’d let that happen again?”  
“To be honest, Lils, I don’t know. He’s an idiot. I don’t get it.”  
“What did you say he said when you were arguing?”  
“Umm, he said a lot of things. Do you mean the bit where he told me to wank off over his nudes?”  
“For fuck’s sake, no! Ew! I just got that out of my head. Look as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have a dick. At all. You’re smooth like a Ken doll. I meant the bit where he was like ‘I can’t get what I want.’”  
“Oh, right. I’m not smooth like a Ken doll by the way, just to clear that up.”  
“Shut up, Lupin.”  
“Shut up yourself, Evans.”   
“Anyway, I have a good idea what he means when he says he can’t get what he wants…”  
“It’s not me, Lily. Let it go. He’s about as hot for me as a polar bear is excited for global warming.”  
“That was a god awful analogy.”

\--

The morning is grey. Sirius never seems to be able to sleep past 5am anymore. He looks to his left where he can hear breathing. Groggy, he thinks he sees curly blonde-brown hair, freckles, soft, slightly skewed lips. Smiling to himself, he reaches out to touch Remus - finally, something is going right. Rem has pillowmarks on his cheek and a peaceful expression. But as Sirius’s hand gets closer his head starts clearing. The hair is ginger. The nose is too snubbed at the end to be Rem’s long pointy one. And beyond that he smells wrong. Not chocolatey, musky and homely but peppery and like licorice with expensive cologne overtones. The calmness of the morning is already slipping between Sirius’s fingers.

The surroundings are familiar but only just, with Moroccan patterning on the drapes and duvet, silken blankets and low hanging light fixtures. There’s a hint of daylight at the split in the curtains, enough to bring colour to the scene - dark reds and muted browns and beiges. To be frank, too fashionable to have been chosen by Remus. So he’s at Fabian’s place. Again. Sirius groans lowly and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, shuffling himself off as delicately as possible so as not to wake his boyfriend, or whatever Fabian is supposed to be to him.

Fabian is still snoring as Sirius slips out of the door. He feels disoriented when the sun hits him, pulling his scarf up over his nose even though it isn’t cold. The scarf is the only thing he has that doesn’t reek of ginger and aniseed, the scents that permeate through Fab’s flat. He considers getting the bus but decides to make the journey by foot, buying a pack of cigarettes at the nearest kiosk to work his way through during the next hour of walking.

Dishevelled and stubbly, Sirius is out of place in Fabian’s clean cut area and attracts plenty of looks as he stalks onwards with a cigarette hanging from his lips. Usually he’d appreciate the attention but today he treats no one to his smoulder. 

Sirius chainsmokes his way through London for an hour or so then hops on a bus for the rest of the way. He keeps his head in his hands for the bus ride because the swaying vehicle is making him feel sick. Getting off at the stop near the flat, he smokes one more for good luck by the door then heads in. 

Creeping into the flat, he realises there’s honestly no use. It’s Monday morning and Teddy is standing in the hallway in his Adventure Time Finn outfit for playgroup, with the backpack and everything. He has chocolate spread on his face and his hair is sticking up in every direction. Remus is clattering around in the kitchen frantically, obviously preparing for the bus ride to playgroup.   
“Dada…?” Teddy whispers, seeing Sirius hold a finger quickly to his lips. He doesn’t want to see Rem right now after staying out all night.  
“Hey, Teds.” Sirius clicks the door shut behind him as gently as possible and kneels down with his arms spread out for a hug. Teddy nearly bowls him over with the ferocity of the hug, but pulls away pretty quickly.  
“Dada… You smell.” Teddy complains, stepping back. Sirius frowns and sniffs his scarf - smokey and like licorice sweets. He doesn’t blame Teddy for being grossed out. He remembers vaguely that Remus used to like the smell of smoke on Sirius’s breath, it was only the asthma that put him off.  
“Sorry Tedders. Nearly off to playgroup?”  
“Yeah, but Daddy is mad.” Teddy is staring down at his feet, fidgeting with his fingers.  
“Why is he mad, Ted?”  
“You… You went away. Daddy cried.” Sirius feels himself crumple a little bit, seeing Teddy’s worried face and thinking of Remus crying at night when he thought no one would hear. 

Remus gives him a cold look as he walks into the living room, pretending to be totally casual. Rem is rushing around with mucky dishes, Teddy’s lunchbox slung over his arm as he tries to juggle a half filled bowl of chocolate milk and last night’s cheesy pasta pot to the sink.  
“Hi.” Sirius puts in awkwardly, leaning against the door frame. Rem barely bothers to look over his shoulder to shoot him a withering look. “Need a hand?”  
“How nice of you to ask.” Remus’s tone is snippy and unwelcoming. “No. You can go and get some sleep, it looks like you need it.”  
“I’m okay, actually. Thought I’d come back in time to do the school run with you.”  
“If your car smells anything like you do, I don’t want Teddy anywhere near it.”  
“I left the car here last night…”  
“Yes, I expect you probably did. I don’t suppose you were in any condition to drive it.”  
“Remus, can we wait until we’ve taken Teddy in?”  
“I’m taking Teddy in. You’ve barely bothered to come home these last few days so I figured I’d pretend you’re not here and get on with it.”  
“Wow. Okay. Let’s take Teddy to playgroup in the car for another Great and Exciting Day, eh, Ted?” He turns to the toddler only to find Ted’s lip wobbling and tears running down his face. “Oh my God, hey, hey, what’s up little guy?”

Ted just howls until he’s sat on the sofa on Remus’s lap, still refusing to sit on Sirius’s knee because of the unfamiliar smells. Sirius tries to contain his frustration because he can see that this is only increasing Remus’s self righteousness surrounding the situation.  
“What’s wrong, love? Come on, it’s okay. You’re okay. What’s wrong little bug?” Teddy snuffles and looks between the two adults, face all red and blotchy.  
“Dada and Daddy stop fighting! You love each other!” Remus raises his eyebrows, surprised by the outburst. Sirius finds himself blushing despite himself.  
“Hey, hey, we’re sorry Tedders, ok? We’ll stop fighting, ok?” Sirius tries to sound appeasing, part of him embarrassed and part of him amused.  
“Say love you!” Teddy demands, wriggling out of Remus’s grasp to look at them both accusingly.  
“What?” Remus sounds shocked somehow, still keeping as much distance as possible between himself and Sirius.  
“Say LOVE YOU!” Teddy shouts, stomping angrily. Sirius laughs a little bit but quickly stops when Ted gives him a sour glare.  
“Um… Okay… Love you Rem.” Sirius mumbles.  
“Properly!” Teddy snaps. Remus is flushed a dark red.  
“Fine, fine! God… Remus, I love you. Lots and lots. Okay?” Sirius can hardly believe that this is happening. Rem seems to feel the same way as he isn’t saying anything. Teddy rounds on him next.  
“Daddy! Say love you!”  
“Christ, Teds! Okay, Sirius, I love you too, so much. Are you happy now, Teddy?”  
“No! Kiss it better!” Teddy is still bright red in the face and threatening more tears. Sirius and Remus look at each other in confusion.

“What? What’s hurt, Teddy?” Sirius asks, making towards the toddler to look for the hurt. Teddy jumps back when he sees the movement.  
“Daddy kiss Dada better! Dada kiss Daddy better! Now!”   
“Oh my god. Um, Teds, Daddy and Dada don’t kiss…”  
“You do! You do! All the other mummies and daddies kiss! You have to kiss!” Teddy’s voice is steadily increasing in volume.  
“But Daddy and Dada aren’t married, Tedders, we don’t do those things…”  
“You do! I know you do, liar liar pants on fire!” Shouting now, Teddy looks ready to fully kick off in a tantrum any moment. Sirius turns to Remus with a disbelieving face and watches his best friend, who is still incredibly pissed at him, visibly flinch as he advances. It hurts more than a little bit but he pretends not to notice.  
“Okay Teds, fine, I’m going to kiss Daddy now, okay?”

Sirius breaches the personal space bubble Remus has set out, feeling nervous as he leans over and kisses Rem on the cheek for as long as he dares, perhaps lingering a little too long. He swears Remus must be able to hear his heartbeat as they share the same space, only a hairsbreadth away from one another for just a moment. When Sirius pulls away, Rem is staring fixedly into his lap.  
“Happy now, Teds?” Sirius sighs. Teddy is still scowling.  
“On the lips!”   
“Oh my, look at the time!” Remus suddenly jumps in as he springs up from the couch, already half way to the dining table before Sirius or Teddy can react. He scoops up Teddy’s lunchbox and turns to the other two, faking a smile. “Ready to go to playgroup, Teddy? Dada is giving us a lift today!” 

The journey to the playgroup is quiet, with Sirius pretending not to care about the way Remus is ignoring him. Teddy is glaring at the back of their heads, catching Padfoot’s eye in the mirror. They pull up at the side of the road outside the playgroup and sit in silence for a moment.

“Dada... “ Teddy mumbles, finally giving up his extended glare. Sirius almost lets himself sigh in relief.  
“Yeah, Teds?” Sirius turns around in his seat to look at the toddler, who is kicking his legs against the front of his bumper seat forlornly.  
“Please kiss Daddy. He cried and it’s your fault.” Teddy is no longer in tantrum mode but looks genuinely upset. Sirius sighs, seeing Remus tense up, obviously not having realised that Teddy heard him last night.  
“Fine.” Sirius snaps, making both Teddy and Remus jump. “Remus, stop backing away or you’ll fall out the bloody car. Come here.” Rem frowns, hesitating before moving an entire half inch towards him. “Fucking hell Remus, I’m hungover not a bloody leper.”  
“Language!”  
“What’s a leper?” Teddy asks innocently. Remus waves the question away for another time. Using this distraction as leeway, Sirius leans over and takes Rem by surprise, pressing a quick kiss to his partially open mouth. He can hear the sharp intake of breath, feels the almost imperceptible kiss back then tells himself he must be kidding himself if he thinks Moony responded to him.

When Remus all but springs away from him, Sirius is battling against the blush threatening to take over his face. Remus has already failed this fight, his cheeks the colour of beetroot. Teddy squeals and claps, finally smiling. Glad to at least put the toddler in a good mood, Sirius sighs resignedly and gets out of the car to walk Teddy to the playgroup and explain why they’re late.

The two get to the front door and knock, Sirius putting on his best charming face. When the cheery playgroup teacher pulls the door open, he grins as pleasantly as he can.  
“Hi there, I’m just bringing Teddy in. We’re a touch late this morning as he was a bit upset in the car, sorry about that.”  
“Oh, that’s okay! We’ve got the parents in just now, anyway. Would you like to join us? There’s tea and whatnot”  
“Ah, I better not. Daddy’s in the car waiting, isn’t he Teds?” Teddy beams up at his teacher, reaching for her hand and dropping Sirius’s pretty much straight away.   
“Yep! Dada kissed Daddy better so now they love each other.” Teddy announces loudly to the class.  
“Oh, that’s lovely! I’m glad you two are getting along, Teddy has been very upset this last week. He says you and Remus have been fighting?”   
“Oh, it’s really nothing. And, um, we’re not together. Remus and I, I mean.” Sirius is scarlet, meeting the eyes of Alice Longbottom across the room. She smirks widely.  
“Ah, I see - such a shame, you two are a lovely match.” The bubbly playgroup teacher smiles. “Alright Teddy, shall we get on? It’s yours and Neville’s turn in the sandpit today!” 

 

All but forgotten, Sirius says goodbye to Teddy who pretty much ignores him. Heading out to the car, he shakes his head, hardly able to believe how the morning has turned out.


	8. Reflecting, overpriced coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for teeeerrible language, general frustration and naughty naughty Remus.

“So what you’re telling me is”

“So what you’re telling me is that”

“You actually kissed him”

“He actually kissed you”

“In the car before taking Teddy to playgroup”

“In the car before taking Teddy to playgroup”

“Because Teddy heard him crying because”

“Because Teddy heard you crying because”

“You’re an absolute dick head”

“He’s an absolute dick head”

“Who avoided him for days on end because of something  _ you  _ decided to do”

“Who avoided you for days because he decided to”

“By which I mean sent him nudes”

“Send you nudes”

“And then expected him to just get on without you and parent entirely on his own”

“And left you to get on without him, meaning you  _ even broke an egg  _ when you did the weekly shopping”

“And seeing as you yourself have nominated yourself as Teddy’s dada, made Teddy very upset”

“Which really upset Teddy seeing as he’s his dada”

“So you thought it was a really good idea to kiss him even though you knew he was still  _ livid” _

“So he then kissed you even though you were still mad at him which took a lot of confidence”

“And you even think he kissed back a bit”

“And don’t you dare try and deny that you kissed back”

“But you seriously don’t believe”

“And you still try to deny after all of that”

“That he  _ obviously  _ fucking loves you, and you don’t deserve it because you’re a dickhead, Sirius.”

“That he  _ obviously  _ fucking loves you, you absolute arse, Remus.”

-

Sirius is scowling at his fish and chips like a grumpy child, James staring at him exasperatedly over the table, slowly mutilating the chip on the end of his fork. Barely lifting his eyes from the plate, Sirius shrugs noncommittally.    
“Unlikely. Like you said, he was still ‘fucking  _ livid’  _ and he near enough jumped out the car.”   
“But he kissed back. After you were the biggest shitbag ever.”   
“Look, it wasn’t just me that was a shitbag, James, can you stop rubbing it in!”   
“Yes, well you still wanted to kiss him even though he was a shitbag too, with good reason by the way, which just makes it very obvious that you looooooove eaaaach oooooother.”    
“You’re putting me off my haddock.”   
“You’re a haddock. Nah, you’re a had-cock. Literally! Hah. Ahem, sorry. I’m not actually sorry. Anyway just call it fish you pretentious bastard.”  
“I don’t see what the problem with haddock is, James.” Sirius sniffs, tilting his chin up defiantly. James pulls a face.

“Haddock isn’t the problem, anyway.” James speaks around a mouthful of fish, somehow still looking disapproving. “And the kiss isn’t the problem either.” Sirius is doing a good job of ignoring his best idiot friend now, trying to fit as many chips on his fork at once to stuff in his mouth. When James stays silent for a solid minute (a rare occurrence), Sirius looks up.   
“Do enlighten me then, James.”   
“The  _ problem,  _ Padfoot, is that you’ve pined after him for so long, and we all know he’s only really shagged one person, that he’s become totally oblivious. And you’ve not helped it with making him think you like, totally hate him. All things considered I’m surprised he hasn’t turfed you out.”  
“I don’t think that option has been ruled out yet.”   
“Shut up.” James snaps. “Do you want to move out, Sirius?”   
“No, obviously not!”   
“Then how could you think for one minute that Moony would make you? He’s given you everything you could possibly ask for from the start, he’s never stopped wanting the best for you. And from what Lily told me the other day- woops.”   
“What Lily told you the other day…?”   
“Nothing. We don’t speak, Evans and I. We’re just housemates.”   


Sirius is deadpanning, a chip hanging out of his mouth. “Housemates.” He repeats, James busily spearing peas and stuffing them in his mouth. He doesn’t even like peas.   
“Um. Yeah. Housemates.””   
“And I take it that Harry is just, I don’t know, a lodger?”   
“He’s actually the landlord.”

“So what were you saying, James?” Sirius pretends to be politely interested, though he’s barely able to contain his interest - what has Lily told James? Has Remus said something to them?   
“What I’m getting at here, Sirius Orion Black, is that Remus is a bloody angel to you so you should stop taking advantage of his patience and finally shag him senseless.”   
“Sorry, I don’t think telling me to get some class and guilting me for not being around for Teddy 24/7 because I’m actually making a life for myself is particularly angelic.”   
“Why is it unfair for him to expect you to help out with Teddy, Padfoot - enlighten me. I’m a dad, if I slacked off and went out drinking nigh on every night, Lily would rip me a new one, so why is it okay for you?”

Sirius sits up straight and puts his fork down jerkily, James’s change of tone like being dunked in a cold bath. He looks him in the eye, expecting him to drop the criticisms easily, but Prongs is staring back evenly, awaiting an answer.   
“I think you said it yourself the other day James, that Teddy isn’t my kid and I should start a life of my own instead of being single forever and pathetic, eventually sleeping on the couch.” Sirius snaps, on the defensive. James knows that he’s sensitive about his parenting.   
“And I think you replied saying something like, fuck you James, how could you know that. And that you’ve got a good job and people like you, when you’re not being a shitbag, and that it doesn’t matter if Teddy isn’t yours seeing as Tonks isn’t in the picture.” Sirius is stumped, and James knows it. “Also Remus told Lily that you’ve said yourself you’re invested in Teddy and want to be a reliable parent figure to him, paraphrasing. That turned out well, didn’t it?”

“What, so I’ve no chance to pull it back have I? One bad week and I might as well pack it in, yeah? Oh Sirius, you slipped up and you’re very confused about your entire bloody life, there is no bloody redemption for you. Ever. Right? Fuck that for a laugh James, we all know when Lils was fucked up after having Harry that you were barely about, you were living with me half the fucking time you were so freaked about the constant moodswings and the smell of baby poo.”   
“She wasn’t ‘fucked up’ Sirius, you could be a bit more sensitive about my wife thanks!”   
“Besides the point, you weren’t exactly stellar, yet everyone seems to know better than me now and reckon that I’m the biggest asshole ever, like no one else has ever done anything wrong? I mean, for fuck’s sake! And why is it that everyone seems to want to have a go at me just now? It’s hardly making things any fucking better!”  
“Because maybe instead of always defending yourself and feeling sorry for yourself you should try and stop being such a cunt!” James snaps, getting up from his seat. “But I apologise, Sirius, I’ll let you get back to wallowing in self pity because you have no idea how adults tend to conduct themselves.” Sirius watches James stalking out the pub into the bleak day and grasps for something witty to shout after him.  
“Fuck you James, absolutely get it  _ up  _ yourself.” Is the best he manages, by which point the distressed bartender has had enough and asks him as politely as possible to get the fuck out as he’s making all the other customers uncomfortable. True enough, as everyone is watching Sirius disapprovingly on the way out.

-

Remus glares at Lily across the low coffee table in yet another indie cafe he has no idea how she manages to find, they’re so neatly tucked away. It’s early afternoon so he’ll be leaving to pick up Teddy in about 45 minutes, he keeps on checking his watch. Lily is looking very confident in her assessment of the situation, with her legs crossed at the ankles, a smug look on her face behind the oversized coffee mug.    
“No need to call me an arse.” He complains sullenly, swirling his tea with one of those skinny wooden stirrers. 

This morning after the incident before playgroup, Sirius drove them back to the flat. Remus went for another shower, trying not to cry as his emotions have been really out of hand recently, then got dressed in an entirely new set of clothes. When Sirius questioned this, he decided to blame it on the stale cigarette smell of Pads’s car, making him very indignant and huffy, thus keeping him out of his way. He quite likes the smell of the smoke, truth be told - it makes him nostalgic somehow, like being back in their tiny flat at uni with Tonks, Peter and Frank.

He’d finished up dishes and hoovered and changed the bed, dusted and rinsed down the shower. Then he’d called Lily, who was beyond enthusiastic to hear all the juicy gossip. Sirius went out around eleven to meet James, still sour over Remus’s jabs - he thought Rem liked the smell of the smoke in his car, he said so once when he was falling asleep in the passenger seat on the motorway on their way home from uni one year. Now he’s insecure about it and will probably have to buy a new air freshener. All Remus’s fault. 

Lily turned up to the cafe in smart beige trousers and a thin white jumper under her tailored coat. Remus feels scruffy sitting across from her in his faded out jeans with ripped knees and worn down jumper that he’s had since the end of high school. He’s sure the jumper, which now has threadbare elbows and was maybe maroon once, was quite fashionable at the time. Lily disagrees. 

“Sorry not sorry Remus. He  _ well  _ fancies you and you bloody well know it, look at your adorable face!” She basically oozes smugness. Remus growls into his mug.”   
“Being harassed by a toddler into kissing someone isn’t exactly true love’s first kiss,  _ Lillian. _ ” Lily gasps, horrified.   
“Never,  _ ever  _ call me Lillian in public. It’s not even my name!”   
“Well leave my pathetic love life alone then, you can’t make Sirius fancy me. I mean I’m 27 for god’s sake I don’t need him to fancy me, I’m quite capable of being single! And I mean, I’m quite traumatised by the incident to be honest, Sirius was absolutely reeking of cigs.”   
“So you mean to say that you called me out here to tell me that Sirius kissed you, but you don’t really think it means anything and you’re not at all happy about it, you’re just traumatised. Never mind that we both know it wasn’t your first time kissing him, Remus, so quit your weird fantasy novel rubbish.”   
“Says the 27 year old fan fiction writer.”   
“Says the man who cries at Lord of the Rings every time because  _ ‘it’s just not fair how they treat Samwise!’ _ ”    
“I was very drunk when I said that thank you very much, and as far as everyone else is concerned it didn’t happen!”   
“Oh but it was awful cute Remus, you were quite worked up. I had to pet your hair for half an hour after that to make you feel better and even then you were still sniffling.”  
“Says the woman who cries at Brave.”   
“You’re supposed to cry at Brave you arse, her  _ mother  _ is turned into a  _ bear!” _ __   
“I’ll turn you into a bloody bear if you’re not careful!”   
“Well I would try to turn you into a bear Remus but you’re such a twink it would require a magic fucking wand.” 

Remus doesn’t want to laugh at that but kind of has too, and ends up dribbling tea down himself much to his embarrassment and Lily’s glee.   
“Should have brought you a bib, Rem!” She snorts into her fancy overpriced drink, making Remus turn beet red and squawk indignantly while he tries to dab the tea off his jumper with a napkin. He checks the time again - still 20 minutes before he has to catch the bus. Lily notices the gesture and becomes pensive - she had actually wanted to have a proper conversation today rather than just ribbing Remus until he spills his tea. Her phone pings in her bag and she feels around through all the random stuff in there for it, pushing baby wipes, tissues, a spare dummy, perfume, a stuffed toy and James’s spare glasses before she finds it.

13:20pm, James  
_ Heading home now, I’ll get Harry. Sirius is a cunt. J _

“Oh dear…” She sighs, typing in the pin on her phone to unlock it. Remus cranes his neck to see. Lily glances up at him briefly as she texts back. “James and Sirius have had a fight.” Remus raises his eyebrows at this, sitting back in his seat thoughtfully to take a drink of his tea, not spilling it this time.   
“Any idea what about?”   
“Asking just now. Don’t know why they always seem to argue, idiot men.” Remus snorts into his tea, shrugging.   
“They’re both too proud, always getting into arguments when one offends the other with their ‘witty banter’ or whatever it is they used to call it.”    


13:21pm, Lily _ \-   
_ _ What’s happened? I’ll be home anyway, thanks though. Me and Rem in fav cafe if you want to join. - Lily x _

“I don’t know… James was going to have a bit of a chat with Sirius today, see what’s going on… I mean, I only know what you told me but Sirius doesn’t sound right, y’know? James thought he’d be able to get to the root of the problem. Sounds like he was as insensitive as ever about it though.”   
“James, insensitive? Surely not.” Lily smiles wanly at him, taking a long drink. She can foresee a long night of James ranting and raving. “Don’t worry too much Lily, Sirius will just have been a defensive dickhead because secretly, he really really cares what James thinks. Doesn’t like being told he’s wrong.”

13:25pm, James -   
_ He’s a proud bastard who can never accept it if he does anything wrong. Can’t seem to accept responsibility for fucking anything. Drives me mental Lily, he’s all fine until he gets a boyfriend then he acts like a bloody brat. And he’s so damn insensitive! I’ll just head home, too raging. Tell Remus to prepare himself for having two children to deal with tonight. J x _

Remus reads the text message after Lily, grimacing at James’s warning. Sirius had been so cheery this morning as well, it had been a breath of fresh air for a short while - even if it was cut off prematurely by all the palaver with Teddy. Oh well, can’t be helped… Lily is watching him curiously.

“By the way, Remus… Why were you crying anyway?” She puts her phone back in her bag, knowing she’ll hear more about what happened with James later anyway. Remus pulls a face, shrinking back into the upholstery. He looks small, his sleeves falling down over his knuckles and his hair a mess, bony knees sticking out the holes in his jeans. She has a fierce urge to protect him and she’s suddenly livid with Sirius for being so inconsiderate, not for the first time.

“Well, when we were arguing, one thing came up that I didn’t mention... He was going on and on about how I humiliated him or something and I brought up that time in high school. I haven’t talked about it in years, seriously since the start of university. And suddenly it all came back to me you know?” He rubs his slightly crooked nose where it was broken, feeling self conscious all of a sudden. Lily’s face is hard to read - he’d expected her to tell him off for bringing up ten year old issues in an argument but instead she looks sad. And angry. Weird mix.  
“Oh Remus…” She sighs, finishing her latte and putting the foamy mug down on the coffee table. He looks out onto the street uncomfortably, watching people running to and fro laden with briefcases, shopping bags, prams. Everyone else is going somewhere. “I know it was hard for you. And you’ve moved on from it better than a lot of people might. I see teens around that age coming in all the time, can barely get out the house never mind going to school. And they all look totally defeated. You were like that, but look at you now - you’re raising a kid near single handedly and doing a damn good job of it. It got better for you and if it feels bad now, it can get better again.” 

They get up from the coffee table once Remus finishes his tea. He thanks Lily again and again, embarrassed that he got so nervous. Just outside the cafe door, Lily smooths down his hair and gives him a tight hug.   
“Lily, your mum is showing.” He laughs awkwardly at her protectiveness, resting his chin on top of her head. She steps on his foot for being cheeky before pulling back.   
“I’m always here for you Remus. And I’m not a flight risk - I really am right here.”   
“Thanks Lils. Give me a text when you’re home, okay?”   
“Sure, you too. Good luck with your brat. And Teddy.” 

-

Sirius mopes around town when he leaves the pub, feeling sour towards James the whole time. He stalks down the streets craving a cigarette but doesn’t really feel like smoking one, though he won’t admit to himself that it’s because Remus had a dig at him for the smell. He gets a coffee in a small cafe and thinks he sees Lily just up the street, heading in the opposite direction. He contemplates running after her but decides against it - probably isn’t her, anyway.

Black coffee is the cheapest option other than tea so that’s what he gets. He checks the time - Remus will be on his way to get Teddy from playgroup just now. Thinking of this, he gets a bitter feeling in his chest. James reckons he’s a shit parent for not doting over Teddy all the time.

Standing out on the street by the cafe, Sirius contemplates his argument with James. A family are walking by right now, and the kid who must be about 5 years old is sitting whooping and laughing on top of supposedly their dad’s shoulders. It makes him think - that dad makes it look effortless. He looks like he enjoys making his kid laugh. Sirius loves it when Teddy cracks up laughing at him, loves swooping him up in the air and spinning him around. Has that changed?

Of course not. Nothing has changed with Teddy. Things have changed with Remus recently, become more complicated, but that isn’t Teddy’s fault. But it’s him who bears the brunt of the effects - he’s the one with some kind of part time dada who only shows an interest when he’s actually at home, which is pretty infrequent this last week. He knows how that feels. 

Sirius didn’t notice that he was moving until he finds himself paying a bus fare and sitting down by the window near the front. If James thinks that he has no chance at pulling this back, he can suck it - Teddy still trusts him and he’ll show everyone that he’s the best bloody dada ever.

-

Remus is already standing outside the playgroup when he gets there, with his heart in his throat. He doesn’t notice him at first, fiddling around on his phone with his hair falling over his eyes in a curly mess. Sirius feels his stomach doing flips, knowing that Rem could turn around and tell him to piss off, could do that quietly angry thing he does where he doesn’t really reply and avoids his eyes, his hands balling into fists in his pockets. 

Standing next to Remus, Sirius can barely breathe - this might have been a big mistake. Moony had avoided him totally when they got back to the flat, unless he was spitting a snide comment, until Sirius left to meet James. Rem had been filling in a crossword puzzle at the dining room table with a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits, his hair still wet from the shower as he left - he hadn’t even looked up when he said bye.    
  


Remus is still playing some stupid cat game on his phone mumbling about frisky bitz, not realising that Sirius is right next to him. It isn’t until Alice pops up next to them that Rem even looks up.   
“Hi you two! Good to see you’re getting along so well!” She’s grinning ear to ear, her hair sticking up in every direction and dressed smartly, obviously picking Neville up to take him home during her lunch break.    
“Oh, hi Alice - jesus Sirius, when did you get here?” Remus startles, jumping back and nearly dropping his phone.   
“About two minutes ago. Hey, Alice, how are you doing?” Sirius turns his charm on for Alice, not looking in Remus’s direction for the time being. _ Rude bastard, ignoring me for Tubby the cat or whatever.  _

“I’m doing great thanks, Frank’s out of town today so I’m taking Nev to his granny’s before I get back to the practice. You know, mum things! How about you two?”   
“Pretty good thanks, thought I’d surprise Teddy by coming to get him today. Seems I’ve surprised Remus as well!” Sirius puts in archly, sparing Rem a look.   
“Doing good Alice. I’m certainly surprised to see Sirius here, yes! It’s not like him to take on normal parenting responsibilities, is it Padfoot?” Sirius has to hold back the smart arse reply on the tip of his tongue, seeing Alice look between them awkwardly.    
“Ah, I see - I feel I’ve maybe misjudged the situation. Well lads, I’ll let you get on - there’s my little one now!” 

Indeed, Neville is running over the tiny playground towards Alice with a bright smile on his face until he falls over. Alice rushes over to him and scoops him up, always having been surprisingly strong thanks to all the running she does - Neville is a chubby kid. His lower lip is wobbling and he has a grazed palm. Alice mouths a goodbye to them as she straps him into his car seat, shutting the door just as he starts crying.

Teddy apparently took some convincing to leave play group today as he comes out hanging on to his teacher’s hand.   
“Sorry about the wait you two, Teddy wanted to stay in the sand pit!” Mrs Burbage is all smiles in a skirt that looks like a pair of curtains, the first thing Sirius notices even though he didn’t notice this morning.    
“That’s quite alright, Charity, it’s a nice enough day! Did you not want to see your daddy, Tedders?” Remus crouches down, reaching out to his son who gives him a big toothy smile and a fierce hug. Sirius watches on uncomfortably, noting that Teddy hadn’t even realised he was there yet. Has he become invisible in the last 5 minutes or something? 

When Teddy untucks himself from Remus’s arms, he blinks up at Sirius uncomprehendingly, before his face lights up.   
“Dada!” He shouts, attaching himself to Sirius’s legs swiftly. Relieved that he hasn’t in fact become invisible, Pads ruffles his blonde curls fondly while Remus and Charity exchange pleasantries about the weather and what Teddy has been up to in play group that day. 

When they start to make for the bus stop, Teddy whines until Sirius puts him up on his shoulders.   
“Jeez Teddy, how many puddings has daddy been feeding you?!” He huffs out, grimacing when Ted grips his hair tight for balance.   
“Lots!” Ted replies jovially, finally making Remus look a bit embarrassed. Sirius gives him an unimpressed, questioning look which Rem can’t meet.   
“Not that much…” He protests weakly as he busies himself with checking the bus timetable.

Teddy sits on Sirius’s lap on the bus home and lets him carry him fireman style up the stairs to the apartment despite Remus’s fussing. Sirius cooks dinner, makes Teddy and Remus milkshakes with soya milk (“it’s just better for you, okay?”) and feeds Tedders his happy cow burger and sweet potato wedges, cleaning the ketchup off his face patiently. He lets Teddy choose the movie for the night, Tangled, and lets the toddler do his hair in bunches and buns and pleats messily throughout.

At bedtime, Sirius helps Teddy use the potty and gives him a bath which is a bit like going to battle with a mythical beast with the way that the tiny boy kicks and screams. He reads him a bedtime story, a book version of Frozen, and turns on the night light, shaped like a crescent moon. 

Remus looks surprised with every helpful gesture, working his way through multiple cups of tea he hasn’t had time for this past week. He reads his book while Teddy and Sirius watch the movie, having peace for once, but can’t focus on the words. What is Sirius playing at? He had expected him to be bad tempered and distant if he came home at all after the texts James sent, not the paradigm of good fathering. 

“Dada has work tomorrow Tedders, so I won’t be able to pick you up from play group - okay?”   
“But dada… When is work done?”   
“10 o’clock tomorrow, Teddy bear. So it will just be daddy, but I’m here in the morning. I’ll get you ready when you wake up. Okay?”   
“Will you make daddy cry?” Sirius sighs, leaning to have a look at Teddy’s face. They’re sitting on the edge of Rem’s bed, Sirius about to put the toddler in his cot. Remus is listening in from outside, ear to door.   
“No, Teddy, I’m not. I’m going to make daddy happy, okay?”   
“How?” Teddy is looking down into his lap, fiddling with Padfoot the dog’s fluffy ears.    
“I don’t know. What do you reckon?” There’s a shuffling noise of Sirius turning Teds around on his lap to look at him.   
“Kiss him more?” Teddy suggests, making Sirius blush darkly - Remus can hear Sirius laughing awkwardly as he stands up to put Ted in his big cot.   
“Nah Ted, maybe not. But let me know if you think of something.” 

Remus quickly runs back to the sofa and picks up his book, watching Sirius come out of the room quietly two minutes later, the soft glow of the night light following him out for a split second before he pulls the door over. Coming into the living room, he notices Remus watching him and raises his eyebrows.   
“What?” He sighs, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. “Were you seriously standing at the door when I was putting Teddy to bed, Remus?”  
“What? What makes you think that, Sirius?” Pads pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation.  
“Remus… Your book is literally upside down.” Remus looks down and sees the print the wrong way up.  
“Oh.” 

Sirius heads into the kitchenette to do the dishes, one half of his hair still in a ‘braid’ of some sort and the other tied up in a bun. Remus watches Pads at the sink, scrubbing out a pan viciously in his black skinny jeans and oversized hoodie. Part of him feels tender towards him, wants to apologise for having been so angry whenever they’re together. The other part is just confused about Sirius’s change in heart.

“Sirius…” Rem is curled up with his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his hands. Sirius is bringing him a mug of tea and some biscuits, the dishes left to air dry on the rack and his hair finally undone.  
“Yeah?” He kneels down carefully to place the mug of tea on the floor by the couch to cool, putting the packet of biscuits next to it. Pausing there, he looks up at Remus who flushes, having been caught watching Sirius kneeling on the floor in front of him like a stupid hormonal teenager.  
“I’ve been too harsh, haven’t I?” Rem sighs, playing with the frayed threads of his jumper sleeves and feeling guilty. Sirius shrugs noncommittally, finally breaking off their extended gaze.  
“Dunno.” 

Standing up, Sirius wipes down the table with a cloth, pulling off his hoodie and throwing it over the back of the sofa beforehand. Remus can’t help watch him bending over, shoulder blades rippling under his tight tee. He contemplates the past week -  _ has  _ he been too harsh?    
“Look Sirius. I don’t think I was out of order in saying a lot of the things I said. Maybe the way I said them was no good, or the timing. Some things I do regret saying and doing, also. I don’t think you’re totally wrapped up in yourself, not always. And I treated you badly when I was drunk. I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and I hope you haven’t forgotten that - and I appreciate everything you do.”

Sirius is hovering, mid gesture at the table with his back tensed. Had he been waiting for Remus to have a go at him again? Rem sighs, thinking Sirius is going to be angry with him. Bloody Sirius and his bloody defensiveness. He won't relent everything - Pads had been a total dick and he isn’t going to forgive him without proper apology, not this time. 

Sirius turns around, regarding Remus guardedly - is he going to keep going and say something on the flipside of that appreciation? He thinks back to his and James’s argument -  _ “I don’t think that option has been ruled out yet.”  _ What if Rem is leading into kicking him out of the apartment?  
  
“I know that I’ve been no good Remus, and that things have been hard recently because of me. I know. And I’m really really sorry, Rem, I really am.” Sirius is kneeling in front of him again, looking sincere and desperate. “I’ll make it up to you, if you’d give me the chance - just…  _ Please  _ don’t kick me out.” 

Remus is staring from his hands, which Sirius is holding tight enough that it hurts a little, to his face, in shock. Pads is staring straight into his eyes.  
“U-Uh I w-w-wasn’t going t-to k-kick you _out_ Sirius.” He can barely catch his breath, his heart is hammering. He had gotten the wrong idea, thought Sirius was going to end his speech differently, thought he was going to confess something…. What an idiot. “I t-told you, you can st-stay here for a-as long as you want. And anyway… I-If you moved out, I c-couldn’t afford to l-live here… You know that.” Sirius pulls back, looking like he can’t decide if he should be relieved or upset. Remus looks him right in the face, confused.

“Remus....” Sirius mumbles, letting go of Rem’s hands and dropping his gaze to the floor. “Are you only keeping me here because of that?”  
“Because of what?”  
“You know… To pay rent?” They sit there in silence, frozen. Rem is acutely aware that his tea will be going cold, though it isn’t really important.  
“Sirius… No. No. It’s because you mean a lot to me. You’re my best friend, I’m in love wi- I mean, haha, I love you. As in your company. And so does Teddy, he loves you - you’re his dad. Probably his favourite to be honest, don’t know what he would do if - I mean. Obviously we’ll get by if… When you do decide that you’ve had enough of us, I won’t keep you -”  
“Remus.” Sirius interrupts, tipping Rem’s chin up to look at him. “It’s fine. I’m not going anywhere for the foreseeable future, okay?”  
“O-Okay.”

\-- 

Sirius sleeps in next to Teddy so that they can cuddle in the morning before having to get ready for playgroup. Remus lies in Sirius’s bed, in Sirius’s room, wearing one of Sirius’s t-shirts, between Sirius’s sheets. He bites his lip, glancing around him, taking in the mess, the cigarette butts on the windowsill, the bottles of alcohol. He turns onto his stomach and breathes in the smell of Sirius’s hair, everything of Sirius’s surrounding him.

He thinks back to the conversation, Sirius kneeling on the floor before him, looking into his eyes with more warmth than he has in days. Holding his hands, then letting go. A hand under his chin, almost tender in the way it held his jaw to tip it up. His breathing quickens again, he’s shaking, heart pounding. If Sirius felt differently… If he loved him… He might have told him then. Might have shown him in a different way. Remus imagines it, imagines he can feel Sirius’s hands on him, holding him, touching him… He rolls to the side, touching himself through his boxers, moaning quietly into the pillow as he gets hard. He slides the boxers out of the way, spitting into his hand and feeling guilty as he strokes himself, feeling his pulse ride ever higher. He’s talking to himself though he doesn’t realise it, speaking gently into the quiet, whimpering Sirius’s name, begging him to touch him, to let him finish. When he does finish, it’s like being dropped from a height, the air ripped from his lungs as his whole body tenses. A low, guttural noise unfurls from his chest, far louder than he’d expected as his come spills out down his hand. He’s left panting, shivering and aching at the emptiness of the other side of the bed.

Sirius lies awake in the next room, hearing everything.

 


	9. Trigger Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING IS AN APT TITLE.  
> Read this chapter with caution! Rape and sexual assault trigger warnings - both threatened and attempted. A lot of slurs are used and there is also humiliation using sexual remarks and harassment. Assault trigger warnings and physical violence are also relevant. If you find any other warnings I should include (I'll be putting these in the tags) then PLEASE leave a comment to let me know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this took so long. I've been working on it for a while so it's a nice long one to make up for it. Things are a bit hectic for me just now but I'm gonna pick up the pace best I can :) Enjoy!

It’s ticking by seven and Rem is still asleep. Sirius has Teddy in his high chair, attempting to feed him poached egg on toast (with ketchup, of course). The difficulty is that the toddler keeps falling asleep and nearly planting his face in his food. Padfoot sighs.  
“C’mon Teds, wakey wakey… You always wake right up for daddy.” He complains. The TV is playing Milkshake in the background. The morning is dark and overcast. Teddy scowls up at him, ketchup dolloped on the tip of his nose.

“Well, Daddy has cookie crisp.”

Today Teddy wants to wear a yellow t-shirt and dungarees in an attempt to look like Wario from Mario Kart. Sirius groans at this abomination of fashion and tries to sway Ted from it gently but only winds him up.  
“Ted… You look like a fucking Minion.” Teddy is between shocked at the naughty words and horrified at being called a Minion. After having nightmares after seeing Despicable Me for the first time, the toddler hates Minions with a passion. Sirius is eternally grateful for this. Ted opts for a red shirt instead - Mario.

It’s time to go. Teddy has everything he doesn’t need packed (as usual) but he won’t leave the house.  
“Dada, I do your hair!” He demands, holding bobbles and butterfly clips up for him to see. Sirius has to sit down in front of the sofa with Teddy kneeling behind him. He tries not to yelp when the toddler yanks too hard. The ponytails end up being surprisingly well done. Looking in the mirror the style makes him recall a night out around Halloween dressed as a cheerleader which ended, depending on how you looked at it, pretty well, though he never did find his skirt again.

Teddy requests his hair be put up in a little bun with butterfly clips dotted about at random and won’t let Sirius hurry them along until it’s done. At this point they’re running late and Padfoot feels guilty when he glances down at the speedometer - Rem would kill him if he knew. Teddy is shrieking his excitement for playgroup because it’s show and tell today. Not that it’s his turn to bring something in or anything - he just loves show and tell. It makes the whole journey somewhat overwhelming because Sirius is between driving and protecting his car interior from scuff-marks from Teddy’s light-up trainers.

Charity is overbearingly cheerful and warm as usual despite being late and again invites Sirius in for coffee and biscuits but he politely declines and makes his way back to the car. He’s overtired and has work in a couple of hours - maybe he can fit a nap in.

It’s not that Teddy kept him awake. Teds had slept like an angel, falling asleep pretty much as soon as his head hit the pillow and not stirring a bit. Which was pretty lucky or he might have heard some fairly inappropriate stuff. No, for once it couldn’t be blamed on the toddler. It was all the fault of one Remus John Lupin.

Sitting back in the driver’s seat, he can still hear it running through his head. He barely slept for it, thinking of his best friend, his obliviously sexy, unnervingly sweet and most of all entirely charming love interest for many years, getting off in his bed. Working himself up between Sirius’s sheets, surrounded by Sirius’s smell, knowing fine well Sirius himself is just through the wall. Fuck, those noises… Pads’ toes curl in his boots, feeling his stomach tighten. He plays the whimpers, whines, growls and unintelligible murmuring over again, getting stiff in his jeans so quickly he’s almost embarrassed. Remus was in love with him once, head over fucking heels. Did he get off like that for him then? ‘ _Sirius, Sirius please, please, let me co-aaahh fuck_ please, _ah, ah, mmmh-’._ Undeniably it sounds better when he incorporates his name into it.

With every intention of getting back to the flat and confronting Remus about it, or failing that returning the favour in Rem’s bed because he’s already straining against his skinny jeans, he drives home. Both plans are swiftly forgotten when he walks through the door.

Remus is out of bed now in only a pair of boxer briefs that slide dangerously low on his hips. Sirius’s eyes are devouring him instantly, running over his smooth torso, long gangly limbs, up to his bird’s nest hair. It’s here he catches the wild look Rem has on his face, how uncoordinated he is, holding a mop, a burst milk carton which has caused a puddle on the floor and a handful of Teddy’s toys. His eyes fixing on Sirius, he drops it all again and in a few long strides is standing only inches away from him.  
  
“Sirius I am _so sorry_ I didn’t mean to sleep in I really didn’t, have I made you late for work? I didn’t realise the time, I didn’t sleep that well last night, couldn’t sleep you know - had stuff on my mind, and then I slept in and now you’ve had to do all the work, was Tedders okay? Did he cry did he behave for you did you get him there on time-” Pads isn’t listening. He’s staring up at his best friend, his wide, crooked mouth, his soft lips and his impossibly high cheekbones, his sharp jawline, his freckles. He’s thinking about how easy it would be to go on tiptoe, lift his chin, feel those lips against his, warm, pliant, eager - _jesus._ “ - and when I woke up I couldn’t believe it I hope I haven’t pissed you off it just wasn’t on I’m so sorry -”   
“Remus, Remus, hey hey hey no you’re okay, everything’s okay.” He breaks in suddenly, coming back to the moment. Rem is gripping his shoulders, so close that Sirius has to tilt his head back to look at his face, hot and sweating and so very nearly undressed that it’s steadily driving him insane.

Remus is shaking like a leaf and his breath smells of mint. There’s toothpaste at the corner of his lips. It takes so much effort not to _do_ something, not to show this stupid, stupid man how much he wants him, needs him, _loves_ him - fuck. Stay in the moment Pads.   
“Teddy was in school on time no problem. I’m not mad at you, I could tell you had a… restless night.” He struggles for words, hoping the colour on his cheeks won’t give him away. In this state of panic, the last thing Remus needs is to deal with Sirius’s perverted mind and tendency to obsess over sex. “Remus, hey. Let’s have a sit down, shall we?”

Sirius gets Rem a cup of sweet tea and himself a glass of water. They sit at opposite ends of the couch with their legs tangled together. If Pads fidgets too much his foot strokes the inside of Remus’s thigh in a way that doesn’t come across as accidental, so he’s fighting to keep still. He tells Rem everything that happened that morning, from Teddy refusing to get out of bed, to what they had for breakfast, what was on the TV and the route they took to get to the school on time. All the fine details help Moony feel in control, so Sirius is careful not to miss anything. His breathing is settling now, his panic lessening.  
“And he did your hair, huh?”  
“Nah, I just thought this would be a good look.”  
“Here, I’ll take it out for you. Sit here.” And jesus fuck Remus is spreading his legs for him, wants him to come closer. His thighs are so pale and there are adorable little freckles on his knees and hips. Sirius wants to kiss every one of them. When Rem shoots him a quizzical look, Sirius turns beet red and is quicker than strictly necessary in seating himself almost in the taller man’s lap, too flustered to coordinate himself.

As a rule Sirius hates people touching his hair. It gives him the creeps. But as with many things, Remus is a different matter entirely. From high school onwards Sirius had always enjoyed physical contact with Rem, especially having him play with his hair.

He practically purrs as Rem strokes the ponytails out, curling a few locks around his fingers and pulling a little harder than he usually would. The feeling goes straight to Sirius’s cock and he can’t help but wonder if Remus just fucking has it in for him today. There are further little tugs and pulls, blunt fingernails scraping over his scalp. Sirius is sinking back into his torso, pliant and struggling not to moan. He can feel Rem’s hot breath on the crook of his neck, the muscles in his chest tightening and going lax against his back as he moves his arms. Subconsciously he pushes back against Moony’s limber frame, craving the attention. It’s then that he becomes aware of something hard against the small of his back. Rem stiffens all of a sudden, stops playing with his hair then curls in on himself so his knees are up at his chest.  
“You had better be getting ready for work.” He cuts jerkily into the heavy silence, Sirius having turned to look at him questioningly, trying not to let the dejection he feels welling up in his chest show on his face. He checks the time on his phone and it’s not that late on at all.  
“Uh. Yeah, I guess so.” Rem doesn’t move from the couch as Sirius gets up unsteadily. His hair feels limp and lifeless without Moony’s hands playing with it. He looks back again, uncertain and deflated yet so incredibly hard as he pushes into Rem’s room to pick up the things he left there last night.

Now in his own room, he looks for signs of Remus’s presence in his bed. The sheets are in a tangle and half falling onto the floor. Sirius paces back and forth, too caught up in his own head to finish getting ready. He needs to stop obsessing over this.

Under his pillow, light grey fabric peeks out. Sirius pulls out the piece of clothing and eyes it - boxer briefs, not his. Which means… He pulls the door open, not paying any mind to the fact he’s wearing only a pair of black briefs and an unbuttoned shirt. He can just see Remus from the doorway, spread out on the sofa with a book in hand. And if Padfoot cranes his neck he can see that Rem is wearing Calvin Klein boxers, black - the kind that cost something like £35 for 1 pair. Definitely not his. Definitely Sirius’s.

Pads retreats back into his room. So what if Rem is wearing his boxers, right? Yeah, no big deal. He starts to button up his shirt but stops half way absentmindedly. _But why would he change out of his goddamn boxers and into mine?_ Sirius picks up the boxers Rem left and scrutinises them. Definitely doesn’t look like he came in them or anything - wait. What if Rem came in the boxers he’s wearing now? What would that even mean?

“You’re overthinking this.” He reprimands his reflection and finishes doing up his shirt buttons. 10 minutes later and he’s dressed, hair up and pretty much ready to go.

Remus is still lying on the sofa, dozing off with his book open on his chest. Sirius wants to say something about the boxers, which he can’t stop staring at. He’s lucky Rem hasn’t noticed.  
“Rem?” Remus doesn’t stir, though Sirius is fairly sure he’s not asleep - he’s always been bad at faking it. Staring at his best friend in confusion, Pads shakes his head. “I know you’re awake. But fine. See you later.”

* * *

 

At work, it’s quieter than Sirius hoped and the lunch rush isn’t as bad as anticipated. Despite feeling bitter and rejected, he keeps it together and even manages to have a laugh with the chefs and servers. He finishes at 8 tonight. He wasn’t technically supposed to start until 12 but came in early to help set up the tables etc seeing as they’re short on staff by a couple of waiters just now. That and he feels like crap about Remus.

At 6:30 on the dot, just as Sirius is about to take his last break, the door opens. He puts on his best charming smile but struggles to hold it when he realises who has come in.

Fabian struts into the restaurant like it’s his territory with a young woman holding onto his arm. His hair is swept back and he’s dressed smartly, obviously looking to impress. The lady is startlingly tall and thin, a model type with long dark hair. Taking her shadowy grey eyes and full, pouty mouth into consideration, anyone would say she looked something like Sirius though he shakes that thought out of his head.  
  
“Ah, Fabian, what a pleasant surprise.” Sirius doesn’t sound pleasantly surprised at all but makes sure to be courteous to Fabian’s guest. “And good evening, I don’t believe we’ve met...?” She giggles sweetly, and extends her hand for him to kiss. Christ, what is she, fucking royalty?  
“This is Alicia, she’s a, um… Work friend.” Fabian smirks, smugness oozing off him. _Alicia_ flushes and giggles again. “Alicia, this is Sirius. Sirius and I are familiar.”  
“Perhaps not that familiar.” Sirius corrects with a tight smile. Alicia looks between them with raised eyebrows. “Let me get you a table.”

Sirius escorts them to a booth a fair distance from the door, meaning the area is cosy and private. It’s better than Fabian deserves but Pads doesn’t want to come across as rude to his ‘work friend’. Once seated he hands them the menus – drinks and main. Fabian decides he will order for Alicia, who only smiles and nods along with whatever he says.

Making to leave the table and take the order to the kitchen, Fabian calls out after him.  
“What’s the hurry, darling? It’s quiet today, can’t you spare a minute to chat?” Sirius bristles at the pet name but returns nonetheless. “That’s a good boy.” Alicia laughs awkwardly as if she can’t believe Fabian’s audacity. Sirius isn’t quite sure he can believe it himself.  
“Very funny. Did I forget something, Fabian?”  
“Not at all, apart from maybe your courtesies. I was just about to regale Alicia with the tales of our endeavours.”  
“Ha ha. Have you been trying to be cultured again, Mr Prewett? Because those are some very big words.”  
“You’ve coped with bigger things before, haven’t you? Not least with that ‘witty’ mouth of yours.”  
“That’s hardly appropriate dinner conversation, is it? And supposedly _I’ve_ forgotten my courtesies.” Sirius’s smile is frozen on his face as if this is all a big joke, but his blood has gone cold. Fabian has the upper hand in that on the job, there’s not a lot Padfoot can do about this on a personal level.

“You definitely forgot them on Monday morning. I can’t seem to remember seeing you at all! Where _did_ you get to, Sirius? You were quite happily sleeping in my bed once I’d finished with you.” Alicia is squirming uncomfortably in her seat with her eyes fixed on her lap. Sirius feels physically sick.  
  
“Gentlemen - oh, and lady, do excuse me miss - is there a problem? I can’t help but feel some tension in the air, though perhaps I’m mistaken?” Sirius jumps and turns around sharply. Behind him are two familiar faces, both looking politely amused with a twinkle in their eyes.

“Professor -”   
“Please, Sirius, I think Albus and Minerva will do just fine. I haven’t been your professor for many years.” Dumbledore, the somewhat mad old head teacher from Sirius’s high school is dressed in a mismatched suit with the head of sciences to his side smartly clad in a pair of tailored pinstriped trousers and blazer. He hasn’t seen them in a long time but neither of them have changed.

Turning their attention to Fabian, who looks slightly out of his element, Minerva takes a step forward and reaches to shake his hand.  
“Fabian Prewett, how lovely to see you again. It has been a very long time, has it not - you must be 30 now!”  
“Ah, yes Minerva -”   
“Ms McGonagall will do Mr Prewett.” She corrects with a tight smile. Fabian is taken aback. “I do remember it as if it were yesterday, you sitting in my class and causing trouble. I hope you’ve been getting on well, Gideon tells me you have come into some bother. Did you ever get better at your sciences? I remember your report cards were quite terrible but you look to be doing well. And at least your acne has cleared up!”  
“You’re too kind to remind me, Miss.” He’s gone stiff and his eyebrow is twitching slightly.   
“We forget our manners however. Let’s take a seat and have a glass of wine Minerva.” Dumbledore signals for McGonagall to sit down in the booth across from Fabian and Alicia, which she does so promptly. He follows her, making strange noises under his breath as he gets comfortable.

Sirius watches all of this with a sense of total bewilderment. He doesn’t know if he should step in and say something or just let things take their course. It doesn’t seem to be in his hands anyway.  
“Ahh, better, much better.” Albus sighs contentedly, leaning back and rearranging a few things on the table. “Fabian, I must confess I was drawn to this table as I sensed an elephant in the room.”  
“Yes, sir?”  
“See in passing I hear you speaking to my young student, or ex student, and well, I couldn’t help but notice that you did not sound best pleased. Something about his witty mouth. I can assure you that in school Sirius made good use of witticisms, he was very deft in this. Actually it could be considered a great talent, along with his talent for trouble. Not least aided by his friendship with James Potter, who is now a police officer. He has dealt with many a harassment case, you know. A big lad. Whenever I have an issue, I like to go straight to him.”   
“Professor Dumbledore, I don’t quite take your meaning. Harassment?”  
  
“Why yes, Mr Prewett, I am quite certain that harassment is just the word for it. Someone confronts the person they are pursuing at their workplace, knowing they are in a disadvantageous position as they must keep face. Then they further try and elicit a response and humiliate that person by using derogatory and sexual remarks when in company. I am sure this is something that, being such a good friend of Sirius’s, Mr Potter would take quite seriously. Shall I give him a call just now and ask?” The silence following this is deafening.

“Um, I’m sorry, did you want to order any food?” Sirius puts in dumbly, looking between the four people seated at the table. They’re drawing confused looks from the other diners who have overheard snippets of their conversation.  
“I have yet to look at the menu Mr Black, however it won’t be necessary for this young couple. They are just leaving.” McGonagall smiles radiantly up at him before fixing Fabian with a steely look that promises trouble if he doesn’t get a move on.

“Yes. Very true, I’ve just realised that the show Alicia and I are going to see has been brought forward. We really must be going.”  
“Sh-show?” Alicia starts, sliding away from Fabian’s extended hand. “Ah, yes! About that Fabian. I’m so sorry but I’ve just realised the time, and I have to go and pick up my laundry from the laundrette or I won’t be able to get it until tomorrow afternoon. And that would be a disaster! So I really have to get going. Are you alright getting a taxi? Yes? Great. Thanks for, um... Dinner. Must nip to the loo. It’s been lovely. Thanks again, bye!” Sirius doesn’t think she drew breath at any point during that.

She’s half way over the restaurant floor before Fabian seems to fully register the fact that he’s been ditched, essentially dumped, threatened and turfed out in the last 25 minutes. When it does click, he looks furious. Sirius is escorting the taller man out as politely as possible though it doesn’t seem fully appropriate given the situation. Just as they reach the door, Fabian rounds on him and snarls in a low, sinister voice.  
“You better fucking hope you’ve got James fucking Potter to look after you later, Sirius, because I’ve got some pretty fucking incriminating pictures of you and friends in high places. If I get my hands on you, I’ll happily take you on your hands and knees, begging me to fucking stop. In fact I’ll take nothing less as way of an apology. Watch yourself.”

Long after Fabian has left, then Alicia quietly about five minutes after, Sirius is still standing by the door feeling cold and empty. His heart rate picks up and his hands shake. Behind him the restaurant is quiet, with soft chatter and music. He can’t concentrate. Feeling numb and terrified, he returns to Dumbledore and McGonagall’s table.   
“Mr Black, I believe you are due a break.” Dumbledore says kindly, signalling to the seat across from them. Sirius takes it gratefully, trying not to let his fear show on his face. All he can think about is last time.  
  
“I’m sorry if we have made matters worse for you Sirius. That was truly terrible behaviour of him, I just couldn’t stand it.” McGonagall pats his hand reassuringly, more maternal than his own mother ever granted him. He feels a pang at the kindness in her gaze - sometimes he misses high school, the simplicity of it all. “I’m good friends with Gideon, he visited me at the school just last week. Apparently Fabian is going through… financial hardships. But due to his attitude, well… Gideon and Molly don’t speak very highly of him at the moment, anyway. I can see why.” Sirius nods along with this politely, only half hearing. Dumbledore leans in, noticing something is wrong.  
“Might I ask, Sirius, what did Fabian say to you as he was leaving? You look shaken. Of course I only ask to see if I can help in some way, and I don’t mean to pry.”

Trying to mask his shaking voice, he glazes quickly over what Fabian said at the door. The smile vanishes from McGonagall’s face and she looks to Dumbledore with concern. Albus himself frowns but says nothing.  
“Sirius, I think that in such circumstances it might be apt for you to go home rather than staying here – he could come back at any time.”  
“I-It’s uh, it’s really okay McGo- I mean, Minerva, sorry. I finish in just under an hour now and for all I know he’s just waiting outside the door for me. So it might be safer to stay here, you know, in public.”

Abruptly, Dumbledore stands.  
“Sirius if you would excuse us, I have to go and make a call. And after that I think I will return home for a cup of something a little stronger than wine.” He turns to McGonagall with raised eyebrows. “Would you like a lift? Hagrid is picking me up.” Bewildered, McGonagall looks ready to protest but something passes between the two as they stare at each other and she understands.  
“Yes, that would be very kind of you Albus.” She stands and leads the way to the door. Albus hangs back to walk with Sirius who is finding this evening only gets stranger.

“I forgot to ask, Sirius, how are you and Mr Lupin getting along? James says you’re living together.”  
“Do you and James meet up for tea and cake or something? I feel like you guys gossip about me behind my back and it’s freaking me out. And I don’t see why I haven’t been invited.” Dumbledore fixes him with a look over his half moon glasses which stops him joking around. “Me and Remus are fine thanks. I mean, we just live together. We’re not a couple.” Minerva turns and looks at him in surprise at this. “Yes, really. I’m helping him with rent and looking after his kid, Teddy.”  
“That’s wonderful. I expect you are both excellent fathers.”

They say their goodbyes at the door and Sirius scans the street long after they are gone, relieved to see it empty aside from the passing cars. He had expected Fabian to be hiding, waiting for him to be alone... He shivers and goes inside.

* * *

 

“Hello?”

Remus is surprised that he managed to find the house phone in time to pick it up. He nearly jumped out of his skin when it rang – no one ever calls the flat. Teddy is sitting next to him, dozing off after his Shrek spaghetti shapes with an episode of Ben 10 on the TV.  
“Hello, am I speaking with Remus John Lupin?” Rem blinks and finds himself nodding only to remember the person on the other end of the line can’t see that.  
“Yes, this is Remus. Who’s speaking?” He puts down his tea and goes to stand by the window, looking out on the street below. For someone to call him on the landline, something must be wrong.  
“It’s Albus Dumbledore. Now I haven’t got a lot of time, Remus – in fact, could you tell me the time exactly?” Rem checks his watch.  
“Seven thirty seven.”  
“For lack of a better word – bugger. You’ve got visitors on the way, Lily and James along with little Harry. Sirius is, I believe, in some trouble. A Mr Prewett arrived at his work and threatened him, I think he will be waiting for him after work.”  
“Wait, what-“  
“I had the pleasure of visiting Sirius at work if you must know how I know all this. Now I’ve spoken to James and told him everything, Lily is going to take care of young Teddy, and Harry. You and James will go and pick Sirius up from work.”  
“When was this arranged? What the fuck – excuse my language Professor –“  
“Albus is fine.”  
“Okay, Albus, what the fuck is going on? And how did you get my number?”  
“Remus that’s hardly important. Anyway, like I said, James, Lily and Harry are on their way and will be staying with you tonight. I’ve called Charity already and she says knows Teddy won’t be in playgroup already and says that’s quite alright, she’ll keep a cake for him.”   
“Right.... Right.” He looks over at Teddy who is having a doze on the couch, oblivious to the rest of the world.  
“Well, that’s everything. Have a nice night Remus! Oh, and Minerva says you really ought to visit us at the school.”  
“Right. Okay. Bye then.”

Once off the phone, Remus just stands by the window, dazed. He expects James is going to have to explain all of this to him again when he gets here. He puts the phone back on the cradle and sits down on the couch. Ben 10 has just finished so Teddy is stirring – he always seems to notice when the credits roll. Just as Rem is getting settled, someone bangs on the door. Only James feels the need to knock 10 times consecutively as loud as that. Typical policeman.

“Hi Remus, did Albus call?” James has Harry balanced on his hip and a bag over his shoulder. Lily is behind him in her pyjama bottoms and slippers looking harassed half to death.  
“What, is everyone on a bloody first name basis with him?” Remus snaps, before giving Harry a big smile and tickling the palms of his outstretched hands. Cutie.  
“Uh, yeah, more of that later. So are you ready to go or what?” He pushes by Rem into the flat, Harry shrieking when he sees Teddy sitting on the couch and struggling out of James’s arms to go and see him. Lily shrugs in a way that means ‘ _I have no idea’_   as she follows after.   
“I mean, I guess so. I mean, I need shoes and stuff. But um, what exactly is going on?”  
“I’ll tell you in the car.”

Without further argument Rem gets organised and follows James downstairs to the car. It’s 7:54 by now and there’s no way they’ll get to Sirius’s work on time so they hope that he’s late out as usual. Rem looks to James in confusion.  
“What’s going on? I mean, Dumbledore-“  
“Albus.”  
“Fine, Albus said that Fuckface Fabian threatened Sirius at work but that’s about it...?” Sighing, James chews his lip and grips the steering wheel tightly.  
“Basically, Rem, Fabian came to the restaurant with a date, humiliated Sirius talking about... Ugh, like sex and stuff.”  
“Are you seriously awkward about saying sex, James?”  
“Shut up! Anyway it’s serious so just listen. Then in comes Albus and Minerva and they like, sick burn Fabian outta that place, make him lose his date, call him out on harassing Sirius and say they’ll get me – well, the police but specifically me – involved. So Fabian is like, ok bye, and Sirius sees him to the door.”  
“Right, great so far.”  
“Then Fabian says he’ll leak photos of Sirius – I think you know the ones – online or whatever and that he’s going to basically... Well, rape him. If he gets his hands on him. Says that’s what Sirius deserves for humiliating him.”

Remus doesn’t talk for several minutes, feeling himself heat up with fury. They pull up at the restaurant at 8:07.  
“I’ll kill him.” Rem unclips his seat belt and swings out of the car. There’s no sign of Sirius on the street outside the restaurant. James follows him out onto the pavement and they stand together, looking for signs of their friend.  
“I wouldn’t recommend that. It might not hold up in a court of law.” James jokes weakly, making his way to the front door and waiting for Remus to go in first before he follows after. An unfamiliar server greets them.  
“Hi gentlemen, a table for two?” He smiles charmingly, not picking up on the obvious distress Rem is in.  
“Ah, no actually. I’m James, this is Remus. We’re looking for our friend Sirius, he should have just finished his shift and we came to pick him up but he hasn’t come out. Do you know where he is?”  
“Oh, he went out back ten minutes ago -”  
“Thanks!” Remus is already running through the restaurant with James in tow, into the kitchen (with the server shouting something like ‘ _Sir, you can’t go in there, that’s staff only!’_ ) and out the back door.

* * *

 

_10 minutes previously_

It’s just before 8 o’clock. Sirius sighs and looks around – there’s really nothing else for him to do. Resigned, he heads through the kitchen and picks up his coat from the staff room, says goodbye to a few colleagues then heads out back. It’s dark out here and the light above the door is broken. There’s a streetlight at the far end of the alley on the street and one up at the dead end by the bins which flickers on and off. It gives the narrow space an off-red tinge without lending much visibility.

Sirius makes for the street slowly, feeling exhausted. He’s taken a few steps when he thinks he hears the gravel behind him crunching. Pausing, he waits to hear if the noise continues. It does, but only just – like someone trying to mask the sound of their steps then quickly stopping. Padfoot’s breath catches in his throat and he slowly turns around.

Fabian is less than a metre away and has obviously been hiding behind the bins, waiting for him to come out. He looks both drunk and furious.  
“Um...” Sirius starts, eyes flicking about as he tries to assess the situation. The look on Fab’s face, the smell of alcohol that basically radiates off him; it’s all reminiscent of before, a dark place in Sirius’s memory that he has been trying for nearly two years to get away from.

  
“Shut up. Don’t say a fucking word, you fucking whore. You think you can get away with it? Embarrassing me like that, trying to scare me? You think you’re hot shit but you’re disgusting, you play hard to get but you’ll always put out. You’ll put out for fucking anyone, won’t you?”

It’s hard to breathe. Suddenly it’s colder, darker, like all the happiness in the world is gone. Sirius feels himself being sucked back to a time that he thought he had escaped from. He tries to take a step back, put distance between them. Fabian follows, getting in his space. He’s spitting threats, lies, insults at him like hot oil. All he can hear is the ringing in his ears, and Fabian’s voice splits and he can hear _him_ speaking, saying all these things to him. He’s being asked a question but doesn’t remember what it was, he’s struggling for words. But he takes too long. White heat explodes over his face, his vision blurs. He stumbles backwards into the wall. Fabian is rubbing his wrist with a grimace. He looks wild.

“I bet you fucking like that, don’t you?” It’s a distant hum in his ears and Sirius forces himself to focus, leaning back on the wall and trying to shake the fuzz out of his head. “Bet it turns you on, you slut. You think you’re hot, don’t you, the way you spread your legs for anyone? Well I’ll put a fucking stop to that. I’ll make you scream. You won’t be spreading your legs any time soon once I’m fucking finished with you.”  
“Don’t... Fucking... Touch me.” Sirius huffs out, gritting his teeth as he musters his strength and throws himself, still disoriented, at Fabian. He hits the gravel gracelessly, his head screaming. His nose is bust, the blood gushing out onto the ground.  
“Try and stop me.” Fabian laughs, kicking him hard in the stomach. Sirius retches, vomits bile and tries to cover his face. “Fucking slut.” His hands are wrenched away, Fabian drops down on top of him and punches him hard. There are sparks, then everything goes dark.

* * *

 

Remus looks left then right. It’s dark here, and James runs into the back of him. If he wasn’t dreading what he might find here, it would feel like the days when they would sneak out at night when they were still in school. However at the moment, all he can do is scan the surroundings.

To the right, there’s a collapsed figure, someone standing over them. They’re holding them by the hair and an arm, trying to drag them over the ground drunkenly.  
“Jesus fuck...” James breathes. “Rem... That’s Sirius.”

Rem’s vision clears, identifies the person as Fabian and sees Sirius’s unconscious body. That’s all it takes. Before he knows what he’s doing he’s sprinting down the alleyway and launching himself at Fabian.

He has Fab pinned down, his arms bent up above him. He punches him hard across the mouth, hears a crack and a howl of pain, but doesn’t let up. He throws punch after punch, barely giving himself time to breathe.  
“I’ll fucking _kill_ you, you fucking bastard, how _dare_ you touch him.” Remus is snarling in his face. Fabian just stares up at him, turns to the side to spit blood.  
“What, because you want him?” He hisses thickly, barely able to speak with his fractured jaw. “He doesn’t give a fuck about you. Could never see you that way.” He laughs, hysterical with the adrenaline. “Hah, he told me h-he’d rather _die_ than fuck you.” Rem feels his stomach sink, going cold. He raises his fist to knock Fabian out but pauses, as if the reality of the situation has just crashed down on him.

James is there suddenly, wrenching Remus off Fabian. He looks down at the gasping, bloody man and sneers, kicks him in the side hard and turns away when he hears his ribs crack. Remus has stumbled away and is crouching by Sirius, trying to get him to focus his eyes on his face.  
“Can you see me?” Remus murmurs, his hands on Sirius’s shoulders.  
“Mhm.” Padfoot hums, blinking slowly with a half-nod. His heart is pounding, he feels sick. He hadn’t been out for long, coming to before Rem had finished with Fabian. He heard the screaming, heard Remus’s voice, threatening and low. James had moved him gently then, carefully propping him up against the wall. He’d drifted in and out, still terrified and with a throbbing headache. Some of the fear goes when he sees Moony’s face, staring at him intently with so much sincerity and concern.

“Rem, c’mon, let’s get him to the car.” James sighs, rubbing a hand through his unruly curls. Fabian ran off at the first opportunity and he’d been unwilling to leave his friends here without means of getting home, so he didn’t follow. He hopes Rem doesn’t grudge him for it.

Supporting Sirius between them, they make it to the car and Remus slides into the back before James passes the semi-conscious man to him. He wants to laugh as he watches Rem fasten Padfoot’s seatbelt before his own. Those two are absolutely hopeless.

Sirius starts coming around fully ten minutes later, wincing as the streetlights pass rhythmically over his face with their orange glare. Dropping his gaze, he sees someone else’s bloodied knuckles and notices the arm draped around his shoulders. The smell of Remus is comforting but the similarly familiar undertone of blood makes his stomach turn. He groans, lifting his head from Rem’s shoulder.  
“Where’re we goin’...?” He tries to focus on what’s around him but can’t pinpoint where they are.  
“A&E, then the police station.” James calls from the driver’s seat, meeting Sirius’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Pads starts to shake.  
“Police station?” He struggles to sit up.

“We need to report what happened, love. He might come after you again.” Remus is speaking this time, and Sirius is reminded of earlier, with Rem threatening to kill Fabian for touching him.   
“No...” He whines so softly that neither Moony or Prongs hear him. They try and prompt him gently as he keeps his eyes fixed in his lap. “I said no!” He snaps. He knows he sounds childlike but he can’t stand the idea of going to the police.  
“But Sirius...”  
“No. They won’t do anything. No offense James but the police don’t give a fuck about shit like this. They didn’t do a fucking thing last time. And Remus you beat the fuck out of him, you threatened to kill him – he’ll just tell them you assaulted him, that you were going to do worse. And James, knowing you, you’ll have landed a few blows as well. You could lose your job. We are _not_ going to the hospital _or_ the police. We’re going home.” Remus and James both stare at him. He shudders and bites his lip, all this talking hurting his bruised and sore mouth. “Please.”

Sighing, James starts to look for a place to turn the car around and get them to the flat.  
“Lily can have a look over him and sort out as much as possible at the flat. As for the police, he’s right – Fabian threatened to rape him but men being raped or threatened as such isn’t taken seriously enough. Or domestic abuse against men. I know it’s bullshit but it’s true, I’ve seen it myself.” James shuts down Remus’s protests with this, Sirius staring out of the window. “I can’t guarantee much would be done, because if we were putting it as an assault claim rather than anything else, he could say you assaulted him Remus. Or that I did.”  
“But what about CCTV?” Rem tries in desperation.  
  
“Remus I don’t _want_ to go to the police and you really can’t make me. Please just trust me.” Sirius cuts in, ending the conversation. Resigned, Rem looks out of the window and watches the streets for signs of Fabian as they get closer to home.

“James, keep an eye on Teddy and Harry, they’re sleeping in the pillow fort in the living room. Rem, bring Sirius in here.” Lily bosses the men about, standing in the hall in her Moomin pjs with her arms crossed, looking stern. They all follow the instructions without hesitation. Sirius isn’t able to walk on his own so Remus is holding him up at the waist, grunting with the effort.

It takes some time for Lily to clean out the cuts with antiseptic, and Sirius complains loudly with each and every sting. Remus sits on the bed beside him, holding his hand gently and trying not to fuss over him like a mother hen. Lils cleans Rem’s knuckles as well, making him hiss gently, but otherwise he doesn’t complain.

“Well, a trip to A&E wouldn’t hurt, so to speak, but there’s nothing that won’t heal on its own. By the looks of things he doesn’t have a concussion which is very lucky though I would still keep an eye out. At the end of the day I can’t force him to the hospital.” Sirius looks inappropriately pleased about this which makes her scowl. “However, if there are any problems with vision, memory, balance, speech, behaviour like uncontrollable laughing or crying, any weakness in his body like arms and legs or if he loses consciousness again, it’s straight to the emergency room.” The glee on his face swiftly disappears.  
“Right.” Remus nods seriously and looks as if he wishes he had taken note of all that.

Lily and James sleep in Sirius’s room that night, with Sirius next to Remus. Rem barely sleeps at all, watching over the other man vigilantly and trying to convince himself it’s because he’s keeping an eye on his breathing rather than anything else. The next morning, Sirius wakes up at 6 on the dot and Moony is still awake, sitting reading a book.  
“Hey...” Sirius yawns as he sits up before cringing at the pain in his jaw. Remus puts his book down and smiles, hoping he doesn’t look as tired as he feels.   
“Morning. Sleep okay?”  
“Mhm, fine.” Sirius goes to get out of bed.  
“Woah, woah, slow down. No rush.” There’s a knock at the door and Lily pokes her head around, her hair a wild red bird’s nest.  
“You guys are up early.” She beams, surprisingly alert for the time. Like Remus, she loves to sleep in whenever possible and neither Teddy or Harry have stirred from their pillow fort.

Sitting on the bottom of the bed with her legs crossed, she studies Sirius carefully.  
“How are you feeling?” She probes, noting each time he winces as he squirms on the bed uncomfortably.  
“Great.” It’s unconvincing and Lily raises an eyebrow, unimpressed by his attempt. Sighing, he shrugs. “Fine, not great. Pretty bloody sore. Doesn’t mean I want to go to A&E though.”  
“Sure. James is just in the bathroom then he’s coming through as well.”  
“It’s too early for an interrogation or lecture.” Sirius warns, looking like he wants to go back to sleep. Remus smiles wanly at him and pats his shoulder in reassurance.

With all four of them sitting cross legged on the bed, it feels like they’re about to gossip rather than have a serious conversation. Sirius wants to giggle but remembers what Lily said about inappropriate behaviour like uncontrollable laughing and shuts himself up. He hates hospitals.  
“So...?” He looks between James and Lily, who seem to have had next to no sleep as well. Remus is fiddling with the pages of his book absentmindedly.  
“Your injuries aren’t anything to rush to hospital over Sirius, if you don’t want to. However you’ll still need to rest up after this, you’ve taken a beating and it was also pretty traumatising. I’d suggest bed rest as much as possible for at least a few days.”  
“Also, seeing as Fabian ran off last night, he’s still around.” James is speaking now and he has his serious policeman face on. “I don’t know what he’ll do, he could try and come here, to your work, could follow you. I’m going to be keeping an eye out for him obviously, and if there are any signs of him around here then you need to call the police. But, and this is as your friend Sirius, I think it would be a _very_ good idea for you to lie low for a couple days. If you have to go out, don’t go alone. But he knows who you are, Remus, maybe even knows Teddy by sight. You don’t know what he might do. So be careful, both of you.”

Sirius is looking bewildered and small, sitting against the headboard with his knees pulled up to his chest. “But what about work...?”  
“I can talk to someone at the practice about getting a sickline but you’ll have to self certify your absence first. Maybe they can come and see you out of hours so you don’t have to go down.”   
“Oh... Okay. Thanks, then... I guess?”

Sirius stays in bed for a while longer and Rem brings him breakfast in bed, sitting with him while he eats so he isn’t alone. He can tell from the way Pads is shaking and by how pale he looks whenever he goes quiet that whatever Fabian said and did to him last night fucked him up. He grinds his teeth, trying to contain his rage. He can’t help remembering last time that Sirius was this prone and scared. How could anyone do this to him?

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want, Sirius...” Rem moves the empty plate onto the bedside table. Sirius looks up at him – dark bruises dominate his skin, his mouth swollen, his eye sore and half shut. He looks sad and defeated.  
“I don’t want to talk about it... I’m sorry. I think I just want to stay in bed. Can I, uh... I mean, you don’t have to but...”  
“What do you need? Anything, you can have it.” And he means it, Sirius realises. Remus really would do anything for him. He beat Fabian to near unconsciousness for him and would do it again. He thinks back to yesterday morning, to the confusion – what does all of this mean? He sighs, wiggles back under the covers gingerly and lies down.  
“I don’t want to be alone.”

Remus lies down next to him, pulls him close in a gentle hug and rests his chin on top of his head. Sirius breathes him in, tries to settle down – the warmth of Rem’s body, the way he strokes his back comfortingly, it all helps.  
“I’ve got you.” Remus murmurs into his hair, feeling Sirius relax in his arms. “You’re safe. I won’t let anyone touch you. You’re going to be okay.”


	10. Bruises and Pretty in Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! So sorry I've been so slow. I've just finished moving down to London from Edinburgh recently so I haven't had a lot of time. 
> 
> Hope this makes up for it!

“Where’s dada?” Teddy is standing just outside Remus’s room, scowling, his hair sticking up in each direction. Rem stands in front of the door like a guard, crouching down to his son’s height.  
“He’s asleep just now, love.” Rem smooths down Ted’s hair, trying to distract him because he knows what’s coming.  
“It’s late! Wake him up!”  
“He’s not very well, Tedders, he needs some sleep.”  
“I’ll make him better! Aunty Lily will make him better too!”  
“I bet! But the best thing to do to make him better right now is to let him sleep.”

  
They go on like this for a few minutes, Teddy frustrated he can’t come into the room as he usually has free run of the flat. Rem has obvious reservations about bringing his son in to see Sirius just now - he looks rough, covered in bruises and scratches. Plus, his mood is low - he keeps zoning out when he’s awake, though he’s slept most of the morning away.

“Daddy, your hands!” Teddy gasps all of a sudden, pointing at Rem’s scraped and bruised knuckles. Remus winces - this is exactly why he can’t take Ted in to see Sirius just now. How will he explain this, never mind a black eye?  
“Last night, I had to go and fight off some grizzly bears at the park because they wanted to come and eat you up!” Teddy looks doubtful, eyes darting back down to the scabbing on his dad’s hands. Rem thinks fast and scoops him up in his arms, making a loud growling noise in his chest. “They were going to snatch you and Harry right out of your tent and go NOM NOM NOM!”

  
Lily pokes her head out of Sirius’s room at this point, having fallen back to sleep. She grins when she sees Remus dancing around with a wiggly Teddy squealing in his arms.  
“What’s going on here, then?” James follows her out into the hall, already dressed with semi-combed hair.  
“Daddy turned into a bear!” Teddy shrieks, Remus still pretending to gnaw on his head, making slobbery noises throughout. “Help!”

  
James play-tackles Remus to the ground, grabs Teddy and rolls away into the living room, jumping up to arrange Teddy on his shoulders who whoops with excitement. A sleepy Harry, who was sprawled in the tent dozing off as he watched Ben 10, pokes his head out in confusion. When he sees the scene his dad is making with Teddy he bounces up in record time and latches on to Remus’s leg, looking for attention.  
“Moony, up! Moony!” He demands, tugging at Rem’s pjs insistently. Remus sticks his tongue out at him, making a big raspberry noise. Once Harry is on his shoulders safely, he proceeds to charge at James, pretending to try and knock him over.

  
It goes on like this until Rem is wheezing and has to disappear back into his room to use his inhaler. Teddy and Harry are bashing each other with the pillows from the sofa, which is keeping them entertained, while James and Lily try to navigate the kitchen and find things to make breakfast.

  
Sirius is lying curled on his side in bed, facing away from Remus. Rem can tell by the position that he’s awake - he never manages to fall asleep on his side, he’s always spread out on his back or stomach. However, he doesn’t say anything when he comes in and pretends to breathe heavily and slowly. Rem frowns at the facade, but doesn’t say anything as he rifles through his bedside table for his inhaler.

  
After a few puffs Rem can feel his chest easing off and he wonders if he should head back out to entertain the toddlers in the living room. However, he can hear Peppa Pig coming on the TV and Teddy oinking along with vigour so he thinks he’s safe to take a break. He sits down on the bed next to Sirius and sighs, looking down at his friend.

  
Sirius’s hair is a mess behind him, matted and spread out on the pillow. His back is scraped from falling last night and from his vantage point Remus can see the bruises that have blossomed black and purple over his ribs. Red anger wells up in his chest at the sight, but he pushes it back - he needs to stay calm, try and talk to him, console him.

  
“Sirius…?” He probes awkwardly, leaning over him to peer at his face. Sirius’s eyes are squeezed shut and his cheeks are wet. The bruises on his jaw, cheeks and temple are vivid and swollen. He doesn’t reply, just holds his breath. Rem gently drops a hand onto his shoulder, not wanting to be too touchy-feely and alarm him. Sirius tenses momentarily before easing off, finally releasing his breath. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want. Um… Blink twice if you want me to leave you alone.” Rem cranes over to watch for the two blinks, but Sirius keeps his eyes shut instead. Good start.

  
Come to think of it, though, Remus doesn't know what to say. He can't imagine anything that would make Sirius feel even a little bit better. The thought of not being able to help aches. Rem sighs and crosses his legs, dropping his head down into his free hand.  
“Shrug your left shoulder if you don't want to talk right now?”  
“Stop being an arse, Moony.” Sirius grumbles, batting his hand away. It's obvious in the way his voice shakes that the tears haven't long stopped. Despite that, Rem feels better now that Sirius is talking to him.  
“Well, soooooorry.” Remus jokes mildly, settling into bed with a relieved grunt - having Teddy and Harry to entertain (never mind James) is hard work. “You going back to sleep?”

  
Sirius hesitates, thinking about it, then sighs and rolls over onto his other side, wincing a little. Facing Rem now, they make brief eye contact.  
“Nah. Your fucking bear impression woke me up, slobbery git.” Remus looks sheepish for a second before noticing the smirk on Sirius’s face.  
“I'll slobber on you right now if it'll help.” Remus winks, then freezes up awkwardly when he realises the connotations of that. If Sirius realises the accidental innuendo, he doesn't say anything.  
“Rather you didn't right now, I'm too sleepy to enjoy the full effect.” Okay, so apparently he did pick up on it. Rem feels himself flush and averts his eyes.  
“Ahem. Anyway. Seriously-”  
“Yes, that's me, how can I help you?”  
“Oh sod off.”  
“Oh, fine then!” Sirius sulks, turning onto his other side again with his back to Rem.  
“Hey, you know I didn't mean it, c’mon…” Rem nudges him gently, trying to coax him back out of his pretend huff but it doesn't work. Whining halfheartedly, he shuffles over the bed, curling around Sirius and slinging an arm over his chest. Initially, Pads tenses up at the unexpected contact, then loosens altogether with a sigh.

  
They lie in comfortable silence for a minute,Sirius wiggling regularly and pretending to complain. Remus ignores the facade, getting sleepy - it's impossible not to be, considering the lack of sleep last night. All the same, he needs to talk to Sirius about what happened. He needs Sirius to know he will be here for him no matter what, that he'll keep him safe. Of course he's concerned about what happened and part of him wishes he knew everything so he could work out how to make it better. The other part of him is terrified of what he might find.  
“I'll tell you what happened.” Sirius mumbles after some time, his voice muffled by the pillow. “Just… Not right now. I want to sleep.” Remus considers this before nodding his consent against Sirius’s shoulder.  
“M’kay. Let's sleep.”

 

* * *

 

  
Remus wakes up, slowly then with a start as he realises Sirius isn’t lying with him. It takes some time for his eyes to adjust and he's relieved to see Padfoot sitting on the other side of the bed, spaced out. His back cracks as he sits up slowly, snapping Pads out of his daze.  
“Oh. You're up.”  
“Looks like it.” Yawns Rem, looking around the room. “Time’s it?”  
“Just after 1,” seeing Remus startle at this, he quickly adds “Harry and Teddy are out with James at McDonalds, don't worry. Teds heard ‘happy meal’ and forgot you existed.”  
“Oh. Rude.” Sirius snorts and flips his hair over his shoulder absentmindedly. “So, um… Can I get you anything? Coffee, toast…? You really need to eat something.”  
“Mm… Not really hungry. Maybe eat something round dinner time. I've got coffee here already.” He gestures to the mug on the bedside table, rolling his eyes at the surprised look on Rem’s face. “Don't worry, Teds and co were already out, he didn't see me.”  
“Ah, okay…” Remus feels guilty all of a sudden, averting his gaze from Sirius’s bruised face.

  
“It’s okay Moony. I get it. I don’t want him to see this either.” Remus smiles, glad Sirius isn’t offended. He feels awkward now that the conversation has come to a lull.  
“So…” He hums, glancing about. “Oh, you made me tea!”  
“Looks like it.”  
“Um… Thanks.” It’s still hot (luckily), super milky and super sweet. Just how he likes it. He relaxes, comforted by the warmth of the mug.

  
Remus is glad to see that Sirius’s black eye is beginning to go down enough for him to open it. He tries to be covert in analysing Padfoot’s condition but by the wary gaze he’s giving him, it isn’t working. Sirius always has been able to read him all too well. Every sip he takes of his tea feels too loud.

  
“Let’s just get this over with.” Sirius sighs, propping himself upright on the pillows. Remus shuffles up the bed to show that he’s alert and not still half asleep.  
“Okay. But only if you want to.”  
“Of course I don’t really want to… But… Well, I feel like you ought to know.”  
“You don’t have to tell me anything, Sirius. No one’s going to force you to do anything -”

  
Oh.

  
The way Sirius flinches at the implication of being forced tells all. Remus freezes mid-sentence, watching the mixture of feelings on Pads’ face.

  
“Oh. Oh, Sirius, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have - I’m such an idiot, sorry, sorry -”  
“Shut up, Rem, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just - ugh, I don’t know. I want to tell you about it, but… I mean…”  
“It’s like dragging it all back to the surface…?”  
“Yeah.”

  
Sirius pauses to take a drink of his coffee, pulling a face at the bitterness. Thumping his head back against the wall (causing another wince, thanks to the bruising on his scalp), he groans as he tries to get his thoughts together.  
“I’m not going to go into detail or anything, right. Basically, he comes into my work with this girl. He keeps on making loads of explicit jokes about me to her when I’m taking their order - you know, stuff relating to those… Pictures.” He’s choking his sentences out, obviously uncomfortable. “So yeah, I was embarrassed and uncomfortable and pissed off and obviously I couldn’t do anything because I had to not make a scene, didn’t want anyone at work finding out what had gone on…”  
“Right…”  
“And then in comes Dumbles and McG and they like, give him all this sass and show him up and call him out on what he’s doing, you know, tell him to stop being such a fucking creep.”  
“Okay, great.”  
“Yeah, great, but then his date leaves because she’s freaked out, so he’s pissed off. I’m seeing him to the door because I don’t know what else to do and he basically… Threatens to, y’know… Force me. And tells me I owe him that, for forgiveness.”

Remus doesn’t even know what to say. He’s frozen, his blood is boiling, he can hear his heartbeat in his ears. Every single punch he laid Fabian the night before doesn’t seem hard enough. He’s staring into his tea, his whole body tensed like he’s about to get up and go out looking for Fabian right now. For a moment he doesn’t even realise that Sirius has started talking again.  
“So yeah, I’m shaken up and I go back to Dumbledore who’s like, oh, not good, and says he thinks I should go home. But I didn’t think that was a good idea because then we’d be short on serving staff and whatever so I stayed on.”  
“Uh-huh.” He feels numb, but he’s trying to keep up.  
“Then obviously I finished up work, I’d stayed as late as I could and everyone was like, go home, you’re tired, we’ve got this. So I went out back, just the usual. Thing is he’d been waiting behind the fucking bins for me, Remus. I was walking out towards the car and there was all this noise and then he was just - there - trying to, you know, get me to give in. I was fighting back but he had snuck up on me, I was just… I was freaked out, scared, everything just felt like… Before, with what he was saying, I was telling him not to touch me and he said I couldn’t stop him and -”

  
The next thing Sirius knows, he’s being pulled into a cautious hug. It’s comforting, protective, not too tight so as not to hurt his bruises. He melts into Remus, shivering and biting back tears. He can’t hear past the pounding of his heart and the rush of blood in his ears, he feels panicked and he’s trying to cling on to the moment instead of being washed away with the flashbacks. Remus is the only thing he has to hold on to and he does so with vigour, probably leaving bruises where he presses his fingertips.

  
Rem doesn’t complain, though. He lets Sirius reposition himself between his legs, curled up small with his face pressed into his neck. He doesn’t wince when Sirius’s nails start biting into his shoulders, his arms. All he does is stroke Padfoot’s back gently and keep speaking to him even though he knows he isn’t listening, anything to keep him grounded in the moment.

  
“Sirius… I’ve got you, I’ve got you. You’re not going anywhere, no one is going to do anything to you. You know I’ve got you. We’re here, in our bed. We’re safe.”

  
Later on he’ll reflect on this and flush at the fact he called it ‘our bed’. He’ll spend excruciating minutes trying to work out if Sirius noticed or not and won’t be able to come up with an answer.

  
For the time being, though, they sit like this, coffee and tea forgotten, clinging to one another. Sirius is waiting out the waves of memories he’d rather forget and Remus wishes he could do something more than this to help.  
“Remus…”

  
Hearing his name is a shock, Sirius had been so far gone - it takes a moment to register “Yeah?”  
“Thanks.”  
“For what?” Did he fall asleep? All of a sudden, Sirius has stopped shaking, isn’t rocking himself back and forth in Remus’s arms. It’s like he’s resurfaced from a trance  
“Last night. I’m glad you came to get me.”  
“Me too. You’re welcome.”

* * *

 

“Remus.”  
“Yeah?”  
“I need to go out.” Remus looks up from his book with a frown. He and Sirius have been sitting in a tangle of limbs on the sofa under a duvet with the tv on for an hour or so.  
“Why?”  
“I need a smoke.”  
“You can’t go out for that, Sirius. You heard James.”  
“But Remus, it’s not like I’m gonna go far…”  
“Sirius.”  
“You can come with me.”  
“You know I can’t, my asthma sucks.”  
“But Remus I’m really craving, you can take your inhaler or, I don’t know, watch from the window.”  
“And then Fabian turns up outside and I’m supposed to just…. Fucking… Teleport down all those stairs to save you? As if. I’d probably pass out, I’m so unfit.”  
“Remusssss, this isn’t fair!”  
“You need to find something else to pass the time. You quit for like a few months during uni, do whatever you did then to get over the cravings.”

  
Sirius shuffles awkwardly, fiddling with his ponytail.  
“Well, I haven’t really got that option right now.”  
“How d’you mean?”  
“Well, I haven’t got the… means.” If Remus could vocalise a question mark, he would have right about now. “Well… Whenever I was craving a cigarette really badly… I just… Shagged.”

  
Remus stares at him blankly, making the situation exponentially more awkward.  
“Shagged.” He repeats, raising an eyebrow.  
“Um. Yeah.”  
“So like, you couldn’t just go and get yourself off just now and be done with it?” Remus rolls his eyes, looking like he’s about to go back to his book.  
“What?! I mean, no, not know that you know. If I just randomly disappear you’ll know why and that’s just - fucking - awkward!”  
“Sirius. I’m pretty sure it was you who suggested that me, you, James and Peter should circle jerk in uni. Just saying.”  
“That’s different, that’s like… Dicks out for the lads… You know? It’s like a group effort.”  
“If you’re asking me to get my dick out, this isn’t a very romantic way to do it.”  
“Oh my god.”  
“Yes, dear?”  
“Oh my god shut up. This is just embarrassing. And anyway, my hands are too sore to go for a wank right now.”  
“My heart bleeds for you, Sirius.” Remus smiles innocently before turning back to his book. Sirius stares at him in total bewilderment before scowling and smacking his book out of the way.  
“Well it should! You should bloody kiss it better, you utter wank!”  
“So now you’re asking for a blowjob, or…?”  
“Remus!”

  
Sirius makes a series of awkward screeching noises, his face a dark red, before jumping up and storming off into his room.  
“I know what you’re doing in there!” Remus calls after him as he slams the door.

 

* * *

 

  
Remus is standing in the kitchenette, staring at the bare fridge. He needs to try and convince Sirius to eat something but so far, he can’t think of anything. Never mind the fact that Sirius is adamant that all he’s going to consume today is black coffee (and he’s still trying to get Remus to let him go out for a cigarette).

  
“Should we just order in?” Remus sighs, slamming the fridge closed again. Teddy is still out with the Potters, galavanting or whatever. Rem isn’t too worried - he’ll be more than content getting a fuss made of him.  
“Is there seriously nothing in?”  
“... We have some cheese and some pasta. But that’s it.”  
“Fucks sake. And I guess we can’t go and pick up shopping.”  
“Well most places do delivery, to be fair.”  
“Fine. But that isn’t going to get here in the next hour.”  
“Well, no, that’s why I wanted to order in.”  
“Not fancying cheese on pasta then?”  
“Ha ha. No.”

  
Sirius rolls his eyes, reaching over the arm of the sofa for his phone. He has a coffee sitting next to him, probably in the double digits by now. Little does he know that Remus has started sneakily changing it out for decaf when he goes to make it.  
“What do you want, then? Pizza? Indian? We got Chinese last time so…”  
“Uh… I mean it’s up to you, you’re the picky one.”  
“Not picky, just not hungry!”  
“Whatever.” He plops down next to him on the sofa and leans over his shoulder to help scan through the takeaways. “Mm… Vietnamese? I like that one.”  
“Sorted. What do you want?”  
“Hmm…. Let’s go for… Chicken pho. Oh, and the rice crepes, the pork and mushroom.”  
“You can have the crepes if you try and pronounce Bánh Cuốn properly.”  
“... I guess I’ll have to go without the crepes then.”  
“Aww, that’s a shame. Hm… I’m going to have… the tofu vegetable spring rolls and… the papaya shrimp salad.”  
“That sounds disgusting.”  
“Shut up, Remus.”

  
Once the order is placed they lapse back into silence. They had been about to put on a movie but couldn’t decide between Pretty In Pink and Ghost. (“Ghost is shit, look, it’s barely even got 3 stars” “Oh piss off, it’s a classic.” “So is Pretty in Pink! And that’s way cooler than like, pottery and…. All that shit!” “Just because you have no class.” “Just because I’m not a big sop like you!”)

  
“So… I still think we should watch Ghost.”  
“No.” Sirius turns the tv off with a scowl, chucking the remote out of reach. “You’ll just have to entertain yourself.”  
“I mean, I’m fine with that but what if you start craving… I mean… The duvet won’t hide that much.”  
“Remus I swear to god I’ll kill you.”  
“Unlikely. Then you’d be bored.”  
“Ugh!” Sirius huffs and turns away from him, unlocking his phone. Remus snorts and reaches for his book, guessing that the conversation is over. He’s just about to start reading when Sirius slams his phone back down and focusses the full force of his glare on him. “Stop ignoring me.”  
“Um. Okay.” Rem marks his page again and puts his book down. “How can I help you, _sir_?”  
“You know, I could get used to that.” Remus blushes dark red and frowns, crossing his arms over his chest.  
“Look who’s being indecent now.” Sirius just wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

  
“I’m bored.”  
“That’s nice.”  
“No, but you should be entertaining me because you’re the one who said I can’t go out.”  
“Sirius, everyone said you shouldn’t go out. And you agreed.”  
“But now I want to go out!”  
“Well, too bad! The food will be here soon so stop being so dramatic.”  
“But I’m not hungry.”  
“Ugh, then go for a jog around the flat to build up an appetite.”  
“I can think of other ways to build up an appetite.”

  
Remus stares him right in the eye, unimpressed. Sirius smirks back, flipping his hair over his shoulder.  
“Sirius.” The warning tone is evident in Remus’s voice, but his cheeks are flushed and he looks too awkward to be very threatening.  
“Yes, Moony?”  
“Cut it out.” He drops his gaze into his lap, shuffling. He doesn’t often cope very well when Sirius flirts with him. He wants to be nonchalant and just tell him to sod off. But he also wants it to be sincere so much that he hasn’t quite got the heart to make him stop.  
“But whyyyyyy, I’m so bored and you’re so cute.”  
“Yes, very good, but I don’t want you to treat me like some sort of loveable puppy.”  
“Then how should I treat you?” Sirius winks, his smirk widening. Remus groans and runs his hands through his hair, tipping his head back. Sirius doesn’t try to hide the way he automatically traces the line of Rem’s neck with his eyes, biting his lip. Luckily (or so he thinks) Rem is too busy trying to keep calm to notice.  
“Just… Like… Normal.” He huffs out, stuffing his hands under the duvet to hide the way his nails are biting into his palms out of sheer awkwardness and grudging hopefulness.  
“Ugh. Boring. Fine.”

  
They stare at each other in a quiet stand off, Sirius pouting and Remus trying to glare. Rem is counting his every heartbeat, feeling like Pads must be able to hear it. He nervously licks his lips, feeling a slight twitch in his cock at all the suggestiveness Sirius has been going on with. Sirius flushes pink just then and picks up his phone, ending the staring contest abruptly. Remus raises an eyebrow, holding on for another second before reaching for his book.

  
They sit pretending to be busy for a while. Remus is pretty sure they both breathe a sigh of relief when the buzzer goes off to let them know the delivery guy is outside.  
“I’ll get it.” Remus is out of his seat sharpish and heads to the door. He buzzes the guy in, holds the door open while he waits for them to get up the stairs. The food is, thankfully, steaming.

  
When he gets back to the living room, Sirius has grabbed plates and cutlery. Remus rolls his eyes to see the opening to Pretty In Pink on the tv.  
“That’s cheating.” He complains half heartedly, but doesn’t say much after that. Looks like Sirius did actually order the rice crepes, so he can’t be too mad.

  
They eat in silence, Remus watching the tv while Sirius is too busy stuffing his face to care. So much for not hungry, Rem thinks with an inward grin. He feels so much better now that Padfoot is actually eating. Sirius is eyeing Rem’s leftovers longingly and for once, he actually gives them up. The look of shock on Sirius’s face is enough to make it worth it.

  
The food containers are sitting on the floor in a messy pile. For once, Sirius isn’t insisting they get rid of them right away. The movie is on quiet in the background and Remus isn’t sure if he’s the only one who can’t really hear it. He glances over to Sirius to try and work it out, but his eye is caught by the little dab of sauce next to his mouth.

  
“Oi, Padfoot. You’ve got sauce right here.” He gestures to the corner of his lip, and Sirius goes to the wrong side. “Nah, other side.”  
“Oh. Thanks.” Remus watches as he drastically fails to wipe it away. It’s almost like he’s avoiding getting it himself, but Rem doesn’t entertain that thought for long. Don’t be an idiot, he reprimands himself.  
“Um… No, it’s just there.” He tries to gesture again, but Sirius just tilts his chin up for Remus to get it.

  
Rem hesitates, staring at Sirius’s waiting face for half a heartbeat before slowly shuffling onto his knees to lean over the couch towards him. He prays for good balance as he brings his hand up to his face, feeling like maybe he’s a little closer than he needs to be. It doesn’t help matters that Sirius leans up towards him to ‘help’, eyes watchful. Remus gently swipes his thumb over the corner of his mouth to get the sauce away, pauses a second before he drags a finger over Sirius’s lower lip. He’s distracted by the feeling of it, soft and warm and swollen to one side by a bruise, that he forgets to stop when it’s apparent that the sauce is gone.

  
Sirius is staring at him with one elegant eyebrow arched, meeting his gaze with something that Remus can’t place. Part of him wants to say he looks expectant, if not apprehensive. But he quickly corrects himself - it must be that he’s weirded out by Rem being so touchy feely. And just like that, Remus clears his throat and flings himself back into his side of the couch, making a show out of wiping sauce off his fingers onto the duvet. He can’t bring himself to meet Sirius’s eye, knowing that he’s dark red. If he had, he would have seen disappointment clearly on Sirius’s face.

 


	11. Hamleys (again) and Headaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I did the chapter thing! Enjoy it!

James brings Teddy home around 8pm. He’s half asleep from eating a lot and running around all day. James doesn’t hang around for long, just loiters in the hall chatting for a couple minutes before he decides to brave the road again – Harry will be asleep when he gets back, and he’s looking forward to having a doze on the sofa while Lily watches her documentary ‘or whatever’. (He actually knows exactly what documentary it is, when it airs and on what channel – he just feigns nonchalance out of habit.)  Once James is gone, Teddy spends the next 15 minutes detailing everything he and the Potters got up to though he keeps on going off on tangents, sleepy as he is.

The adventures of the day were, in brief:

McDonalds for lunch, soft play where he didn’t wait for his food to go down before using the trampoline so got sick (then hid in the ballpit when Lily wanted him to come home). They had coffees – babyccinos – and went back to the Potter’s to watch the Spongebob movie and eat pancakes, one of James’s hidden talents.

Now, Teddy is tired and wants to go to bed. That’s where the complications start.

In a plot to try and avoid Teddy seeing his black eye, Sirius is hiding in Remus’s room where he’s been for most of the day, sleeping. In retrospect, it wasn’t a very well thought out plan all things considered, seeing as that’s where Ted’s bed is. Remus is working all of this out just now, shuffling his weight from foot to foot as he tries to think fast and come up with a distraction. All he manages at first is an awkward hum and a vague gesture as he looks around for some cue as to what to do. Ted sits in the crease of the sofa with droopy eyes, waiting to be put to bed as requested.   
“Well, uh, don’t you want to watch movies with Daddy?” Rem attempts desperately, seeing as he’d prefer not to be subjected to movie choices by both Sirius and Teddy in one day.

Teddy stares at him in awe – he’s never been asked _not_ to go to bed before.  
“But... Playgroup...”  He mumbles, dropping his gaze to his TMNT socks in consternation.  
“You’re back on Monday, Tedders – it’s like a mini holiday!”  
“I want the sand pit!” He’s starting to look quite upset despite Rem playing up his enthusiasm. In fact, he’s fidgeting and screwing up his face like he might cry. _Think fast._  
“Well I haven’t got one of those... But I can take you to choose a trick or treating costume, hm? That’d be fun!” Images of toy stores are already swimming in his head like some kind of horror movie reel. Ted goes quiet with thoughts of sand pit deprivation, trying to work out how to make this worth while. He’s more like Sirius than Remus had anticipated. Looking up with a revelatory expression, Teddy grins.  
“Hamleys.” It isn’t a question – he won’t take no for an answer. Rem’s shoulders sag as he concedes his defeat. Hamleys is like Hell in primary colours.  
“Alright, tomorrow we’ll go to Hamleys in the morning.” He sighs, moving to neaten a few miscellaneous items on the table.  
“With dada.” Teddy adds decisively, crossing his arms. Rem bites his lip and turns back to his son, already working on an excuse. He glances to the bedroom door wishing he and Sirius had thought of an excuse why he couldn’t do anything for the next few days – anything to stop him being the one to deal with this alone. Seeing the direction of his gaze, Ted takes this as an invitation to go ask Padfoot himself and is positively beaming as he jumps off the sofa. “I’ll ask him!”

Before Remus can protest, Teddy is throwing the bedroom door open. Sirius squawks in an undignified way seeing as he nearly fell off the bed.  
“Jesus Christ Teddy, could you not just –“ Then he pauses as if he’s just remembered why he’s been hovelled up in here in the first place. Maybe Teddy’s confused and horrified stare jogged his memory. Remus is behind the toddler in the doorway, looking nervous and apologetic.

“Dada...?” If anything can take Teddy’s mind off Hamleys, this is it. He’s studying Sirius’s face like he might be a different person thanks to all the swelling and discoloration on his jaw, temple and one eye, stretching over the bridge of his nose. The scabbing on his cheek is garish red – in short, he looks like a Jenny Saville painting. It’s hellish and the toddler is struggling to know what to make of it.

Silence pervades, no one knowing what the right thing to say is. Sirius is trying to bridge the gap between his dissociated state and the pressing situation at hand. Teddy is trying to make sense of the battered person he’s looking at. He knows it’s his dada, but he’s never seen him like this. He doesn’t look brave, he isn’t trying to be funny – he’s defeated and dazed.  Remus is stuck in limbo, between protecting Sirius from Teddy’s reaction and protecting Teddy from Sirius’s condition. He wants to create a distraction and brush it under the proverbial carpet, but they’re in the thick of it now. He’s been quiet for too long to avoid it.

“Hey, Teddy.” Sirius sounds gentle, cautiously untangling his legs from the duvet to shuffle to the foot of the bed. For a moment Teddy looks like he might make a run for it, but as Padfoot gets closer he’s able to make his face out better. He hasn’t changed at a base level – his eyes aren’t scary, his nose is the same apart from a few red lines that he doesn’t understand. It has to be dada. While Ted is still too young to really understand the complex emotions he’s dealing with, there’s a cold slithery feeling rushing in his body like being dunked in a too-cold bath. It makes him feel sick even as he looks to the floor, trying to find comfort in his turtle socks.

“Ted?” Remus crouches down next to the toddler and puts a hand on his shoulder. Teddy looks down at his hand momentarily, then back up to Sirius’s face. He seems to make some connection between the scabs on Rem’s knuckles and the bruises Sirius is sporting. With a screech, Ted rips away from Remus’s grasp and runs to Padfoot, holding his arms out to be picked up. Sirius manages to manoeuvre him into his lap with some difficulty due to his stiff joints, before the two men share confused glances over the top of Teddy’s head.  
“You did it!” Ted wails, suddenly overwhelmed by everything. Tears streak down his face like they’ve broken through a dam and he glares at Remus with a toddler’s version of total betrayal. He’s pointing at Rem with a shaky chubby finger. “You hit Dada!”

Remus is taken aback at the suggestion and doesn’t say anything for a moment. He looks down at his own hands like he’s trying to work out how Teddy made such a connection. Then, it all clicks together and he jumps into action.  
“Oh my God, Teddy, _no,_ I would _never_ hit Sirius –“  
“But you did! You did! And you said you _love_ him but you punched him!” Teddy is in hysterics by now, snotty and red-faced as he clings onto Sirius protectively. It seems that Sirius was even slower to catch up than Rem, because only now does he say anything.

“It wasn’t Daddy, Teds, he didn’t hit me –“  
“Then _who?!”  
“_ Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay...” Sirius strokes Teddy’s back rhythmically, softly hushing him and bouncing him on his knee. He keeps the toddler close to his chest, letting him nuzzle into his neck. With his head rested atop Teddy’s curls, he sighs and presses a kiss to his scalp and waits for his breathing to even out. “It’s okay...”

Once Teddy’s breathing is more settled, Sirius pulls back from the cuddle to look him in the eye.  
“Hey, you okay?” Ted nods, his nose still running. “It was a bad man from dada’s work that did it, okay? It wasn’t Daddy.”  
“But... Why?” Teddy leans to wipe his nose across the shoulder of Sirius’s shirt, and Remus is surprised that he doesn’t even flinch at the big stains it leaves. Rem is frozen in the doorway, too shocked at Ted’s accusations to have the nerve to move any closer – he doesn’t want to make anything worse.

At this question Sirius seems stumped and he goes back to resting his chin on Teddy’s head to hide it. When he looks at Remus for help, he just shrugs.  
“Well... The bad man, he was mad because... Because I didn’t want to keep on...” Remus gives him a warning look as if to say that now is not the time for a ‘birds and bees’-esque conversation. “Marrying... Him.” Teddy looks up at him, incredulous.  
“But you can’t marry him – you’re going to marry daddy!” He whimpers. Remus nods solemnly, crossing his arms.  
“Well... Exactly! So the bad man did this to me, and just in time your daddy showed up and hit that man _lots and lots._ That was brave, wasn’t it?” He’s smiling now, satisfied that he’s managed the conversation well enough. Teddy frowns, looks between Remus and Sirius for a second as he takes all of this in (he’s still evidently distressed but calming down). Then he slumps back against Pads and sniffles.

“Daddy, you should _kick_ him.” For Teddy, kicking is a lot worse than punching. That’s because it comes before punching on the list of things he must not do to anyone, especially at playgroup: No kicking, no hitting, no spitting, no biting, no headbutting.  
“Yes. I s’pect I probably should.” Remus is too glad that Ted has given up on the idea of him beating up Sirius that he isn’t thinking much further than that.

They have cuddles in bed and drink some hot chocolate. Then Sirius comes up with an incredibly embarrassing new story, ‘Moony the Hero’. He repeats it, getting to the stage that he’s adding in actions (e.g swooning, punching, smooching) until Teds is sleepy. He agrees to go to sleep as long as both Sirius and Remus pinky promise to sleep in the room with him once it’s their bed-time. When they have both solemnly sworn that, he lets them turn out the lights and leave the room.

Sirius is making himself a cup of coffee in the kitchenette. He’s watching the kettle boil listlessly, lost in his own head. Remus is curled up on the sofa holding a blanket to his chin, watching the DVD logo bounce around the TV screen. Neither of them are saying anything even though they were bantering away with their son only ten minutes before. A heavy silence has descended between them like an unbridgeable gap. Their inclination to try and skirt around the awkward parts with dismissive joking is obviously not going to cut it.

Remus can’t help but be preoccupied with Teddy’s insistence that he and Sirius love each other. More than that he’s dwelling on the fact that Sirius can go along with it so easily. Rem finds the matter so close to home that he’s still blushing whenever he thinks about the ‘car incident’ where Teddy made them confess undying love for one another. He shouldn’t be surprised that Sirius manages it so well, though – it’s easy to lie about things that aren’t real. The thought takes him by surprise and it stings. Rem drops his chin into his hand with a sigh – he needs to stop being so broody about things that will never happen.

“Made you tea.” Sirius drops down next to him, signalling to the mug on the side table. Remus was so caught up in his musings that he hadn’t noticed Pads putting it there.  
“Oh!” He picks it up and nurses it between his hands, letting the steam wash over his face comfortingly. “Uh, cheers... How’re you doing?”

In all honesty he isn’t doing well himself, and might not be in a great place for any sort of deep chat. However, he needs to stop torturing himself with unrequited love and his genuine concern for Sirius’s wellbeing is enough for him to try. Sirius looks at him, noting his distant tone. He shimmies down on the sofa to make himself comfortable, stealing some blanket.  
“Good as I can be. You?” He matches the dullness in Remus’s tone.  
“M’alright.” Rem shrugs, noncommittal. Sirius brushes by it, thankfully – interrogation isn’t something he thinks he can withstand right now. It’s the worst possible time for him to take out his stress on Sirius, too, so he’s concentrating hard on keeping it under control. “Really, though, how are you _feeling –_ physically, mentally, whatever – just... Talk to me. If you can.” Sirius’s smile is sincere now, his entire demeanour loosening.  


“Physically... I’m sore. And mentally, I’m shaky. But I think I’ll be fine. You’re doing a grand job of looking after me, so don’t worry.” He grins, and Remus nudges him with his foot for being cheeky.  
“If you’re feeling up to it... Do you fancy going to Hamleys tomorrow? Trick or treating costume stuff.” Remus almost feels guilty for asking – he doesn’t want to make Sirius go anywhere, even if he isn’t as averse to toy stores as Rem is. All the same, Remus knows that Padfoot is desperate to get out of the house – he hates being holed up.  
“I thought I wasn’t allowed to go out?”  
“Well, technically you’re allowed, it’s just... Inadvisable. And if Fabian is in Hamleys for whatever reason, I’ll chuck him off the top floor.”  
“Oooooh, Moony the Hero strikes again –“  
“I’ll chuck _you_ off the top floor in a minute if you don’t stop with your Hero crap.”  
“Well, it was all very heroic, really, don’t you think?”

Remus frowns, tries to work out what to make of that question, before scowling and making a vague dismissive gesture. He hasn’t dwelled on his actions more than strictly necessary and wants to keep it that way. He’s the sort to have a moral dilemma over almost anything. It scares him whenever he realises how far he would have went, still probably would go, if Sirius wanted him to, needed him to.

“Stop thinking, you’re going to have an aneurism.” Sirius rolls his eyes. They lapse into an awkward silence, Remus trying to follow the advice and Sirius going between watching him and watching his coffee. There isn’t really anything to talk about anymore, not without breaching deep water. Neither of them are really up to it – it’s late, the day was long.

They come to a tacit agreement to head to bed, even though Sirius still feels jittery from caffeine. Getting into bed carefully so as not to wake Teddy, they do their best to settle down but neither of them can sleep. Even so, they just lie there in silence, restless and reflecting.

Sirius wakes up early with Remus curled tight around him with their legs tangled and his forehead on Pads’ shoulder. He can’t get back to sleep because of a nightmare, leaving him feeling  panicked although he won’t wake Remus up. Instead he pushes backwards gently into Rem’s warmth and tries to unwind. More sleep would be good, for sure.  
“You okay...?” Remus mumbles into his skin and Sirius’s heart skips a beat.  
“Huh? Um, yeah.” He focuses on his breathing and watches the wall intently like there’s nothing more interesting than the cracked paint. Rem hesitates, eyelashes fluttering.  
“Y’sure?” He’s frowning lightly.  
“Mhm.” Sirius nods with his hair bundling into knots underneath him. He’s starting to feel the need to get up and take a cold shower.  
“...’Kay... Do you want coffee?”

For Remus to offer to get out of bed is unheard of, so Sirius feels justified in his double take. He looks over his shoulder disbelievingly and is overcome by fondness for his sleepy friend.  
“Don’t worry ‘bout it. You want tea? About to get up anyways.”  
“Oh... Yeah thanks. You make tea the best.” Rem smiles up at him and Sirius is honestly fighting to keep from covering his face in kisses, watching him burrow back down into his pillow and pull the duvet up to his chin. He wiggles his nose, sniffs, and then falls asleep as easy as that. Sliding out of bed with a smile, Sirius is feeling considerably better than earlier.

Having made the tea, he puts it on the bedside table and wakes Moony up, signalling to the mug before heading to shower.

Meanwhile, Remus drinks his tea and Teddy wakes up. Rem puts him down on the bed next to him and they yawn together, father letting son take little sips of tea every now and then. Once the mug is empty, Teddy wants a story so Rem goes to the book box and flips through them lazily. He opts for the Tiger Who Came to Tea.

Teddy, thankfully, sits quietly for the whole thing, then demands Rem read it again. He sighs, consents, then checks the time.  
“Hamleys!” Remus cusses under his breath, having hoped Teddy would forget about the whole thing. Apparently not though, seeing as his son is already wriggling his way off the bed. Rem groans and sweeps Teddy up in his arms, pulling him back under the covers.  
“Nooo, Hamleys is shut today.”  
“Is not, liar!”  
“Mm... Okay but _I’m_ shut today. Go annoy your other dad.” Teddy sticks his tongue out, squirming out of Remus’s arms and running out of the room screeching for Sirius. Satisfied that it isn’t his problem for now, Rem watches him go impassively, propped up on his elbows.

The next noise is Sirius shrieking with fright – Remus can image Teddy flinging back the door that Sirius thoughtlessly didn’t lock, and waving brightly to his Dada who was not in the slightest prepared. Rem settles down, content to let Teddy hassle Padfoot so that he can continue to rest.

The hole in Rem’s plan was that Teddy fully intended to go to Hamleys, dragging both his parents willingly or not. Remus is only just getting comfortable on his lumpy pillow when the door is flung open recklessly, this time by Sirius who is fresh and dewy from the shower. The water is dripping down his back, front and arms – he’s dressed in a pair of boxers and nothing else. Though Rem isn’t transfixed with that at all, of course. He immediately noticed when Teddy followed Padfoot triumphantly – honestly, he did.   
“So daddy won’t get out of bed, will he?” Sirius’s voice is threatening – he’s precious about his long cold showers and hates to be disturbed.  
“Nope!” Teddy is buzzing with excitement for this showdown.  
“Well, we’ll have to _make_ him get up.” Remus also definitely didn’t look between the lines of that statement, or enjoy them. He props himself up on his elbows and looks at Sirius with the innocent smile that used to get them out of trouble with teachers, tilting his head sweetly. It makes him falter, but Remus doesn’t notice –he’s too busy noting the trajectory of the water droplets paving a trail over Sirius’s haphazardly dried torso.

Remus will wish he hadn’t noted that moments later, with the beginnings of an erection forming between his thighs and familiar thoughts starting their rerun. Sirius’s appreciation of his boyish charm is now overpowered by his PURE UNBRIDLED RAGE at having his shower interrupted. Within a moment he rips the covers off the bed, exposing some things that Remus would really rather Sirius _or_ his son didn’t see.

It works to get him out of bed, at least. He has to do something, because even with the brief initial hesitation he’s pretty sure Sirius noticed the tenting of his boxers (now quickly diminishing).

“Right! Breakfast, then?” Even Teddy is taken back at the sudden change in Rem’s demeanour. He’s searching kind of frantically for a jumper to cover himself up in, feeling as if he may as well be naked in just a pair of briefs that slide down his hips thanks to recent weight loss. He can only begin to breathe normally again when he’s pulling a massive green sweater over his head, further mussing up his hair. Ignoring the fact that his bandy legs are still uncovered, he strides out of the room without caring whether Teddy and Sirius follow him or not.

Sirius watches all of his in total bemusement before passively rolling his eyes and making the bed.

“I don’t see why you feel the need to cook...” Sirius complains, watching nervously as Remus begins to make batter for pancakes. Rem ignores him entirely, gripping the handle of a wooden spoon tight enough to blanch his knuckles. With his best friend _still_ undressed, he can barely concentrate past the next ingredient (which he isn’t measuring) but he needs to do _something_ to keep busy or he might go mad.  
“I mean, it really isn’t necessary...” Sirius adds, leaning on the counter next to him with a face that he probably thinks is appeasing. He’s cooled off after his prior saltiness and now he’s just trying to save his kitchen. Remus presses his lips into a hard line, still trying to ignore the other man’s bare chest and stomach, moving softly with each breath, catching the morning light, his skin begging to be touched – _stop it._

Remus is about to dump in a shit-load of flour to the laden bowl and Sirius knows he has to intervene. His hand shoots out on its own accord and grips Rem’s wrist so hard that he surprises himself. Remus flinches, dropping the entire bag of flour onto the floor – it explodes on their feet. Despite that, they just stare at each other, holding their breath. Rem’s fingers twitch once as his eyes trail the pronounced veins of Sirius’s thin forearm – his arm flops uselessly back to his side when he lets go.

“You should use a recipe, at least.” This comes several heavy moments later, when Remus has finally dropped his gaze to the mess they’ve made. Teddy is watching them intently, not saying a word. Maybe he thinks they’re fighting. His posture loosens notably when they move apart from one another to wipe their feet onto the kitchenette tiles, Sirius moving to fetch a dust pan and brush. He’ll buy more flour later.

Breakfast is cereal instead of whatever fiasco Remus can next cook up. The minute that Teddy is full, he lets everyone know about it, parroting “Hamleys, Hamleys, Hamleys!” Until Sirius and Remus are finished.   
“Okay, okay!” Sirius appeases with a laugh, shaking his head as he gathers up dishes from the table for washing. “I just need to do these, then we’ll all get ready.” He looks strained as he heads to the sink, Remus putting Teddy down from his high chair then going to follow.

“You don’t have to come.” Remus wants to be reassuring, watching Sirius fill up the sink with soap suds.   
“I don’t want to let Ted down.” He sighs, watching the dishes intently because he can’t meet Rem’s eyes and see the concern there.  
“But if you’re not alright to go out, then you’re not and that’s that.” It’s not often that Remus will put something before his son, but maybe the prospect of Hamley’s makes this a special exception.  
“No, no, it’s fine, I’ll go... I just... I mean, my _face,_ Rem.” He gestures to the way the contours of his skull are mapped with bruises, flecking his cheek with soap in the process. Remus frowns, unsure what to say to make this better.

“Is it too sore to touch?” Remus leans a little closer, analysing the discoloration for signs of healing. Sirius shrugs, glancing up at him.  
“Not if you’re gentle.”  
“I was just thinking that you could do your makeup today. Y’know, concealer and stuff.” It’s been a while since Sirius has put makeup on – he used to have a real flair for it during his uni days. Then his ex boyfriend thought it was ridiculous, and wouldn’t let him do it. Since then, he’ll only do it in secret – even though Remus and James always encouraged him, he’s somehow too ashamed. Because of that, he’s caught off guard by Remus’s suggestion. He had thought it was a secret, his makeup collection and the way he’ll sometimes use it at night when he’s bored and there’s no one there to judge him.

“I’m not sure that’ll do much to cover it up...”  
“But people use concealer to cover tattoos? So this should be easy work for you. I mean, you’re great at it and all.” Remus smiles gently, leaning onto the counter with his chin on his knuckles. Sirius flushes at the compliment, looking like he wants to protest. Then he loosens off a little, grins and finally meets Rem’s eyes.  
“I guess you’re right. Finish the dishes for me, then? Since you weren’t much of a chef in the end.” Remus pretends to be indignant as he gently shoves Sirius to the side.  
“One day you’ll appreciate my cereal making skills. Then, we’ll talk.”

 

Sirius is in the bathroom for a long time. Remus keeps ‘cleaning’ near the door to listen for signs of distress. There’s nothing, though – just the sound of brushes being lifted and placed down on the sink edge. With the bathroom engaged, Teddy has to use his potty in the living room. Usually Rem would complain big time about that, but not today – he respects Sirius’s need for privacy so he just prays to become nose blind soon.

Teddy insists on getting dressed far in advance in tiny red jeans and a Paw Patrol t-shirt. He wants to even put his coat on but Remus threatens that he’ll become a baked potato if he does. He takes that pretty seriously – he doesn’t like baked potato.

Sirius comes out about half an hour later and Remus wants to jump in right away and empty the potty. Just as fast as he moves to do so, he freezes. The concealer has worked – if it weren’t for the swelling on his nose and cheek you wouldn’t be able to tell there is anything amiss. Furthermore, he’s darkened in his eyebrows and applied chapstick. The sheen on his lips is driving Rem to distraction.

When he’s finished cleaning out the potty (worst job ever), Sirius has styled his hair to hang in loose waves around his face. It minimises the appearance of swelling. Remus wants to say something complimentary but he’s stuck for words at the moment – he just wants to kiss Sirius again and again and ag-

“Hamleys! Hamleys! Hamleys!” Teddy screeches from the sofa, punching a pillow in his lap. The TV is apparently not interesting enough for him at the moment. Remus follows Sirius out to the hallway between their rooms.

“Do I look okay...?” Sirius is wringing his hands half in the sleeves of his dressing gown.  
“You look amazing.” Remus answers way too fast and he quickly adds on, hoping to sound less enthusiastic. “You did the makeup like... Really well.” He coughs, tapping his fingers on the sides of his legs. Sirius looks vaguely sceptical but flattered.  
“Okay. Thanks.”

Rem settles on a pair of black skinnies with a vintage short sleeved shirt he picked up from Brick Lane. It’s adorable as far as he’s concerned – he isn’t sure Sirius enjoys the blue with the white flowers. He can kind of remember some sort of ‘sailor boy’ remark being made at the time. But guess what? He doesn’t give a fuck. He throws on a huge navy cardigan. He feels.... autumnal.

He meanders about in the living room, being ignored by Teddy who is busy taking each of his toys out of their box one after the other and leaving them around the room as an act of rebellion. Rem can see frost on some of the cars outside as he mists up the window with his breath and draws shapes in it.

Sirius eventually resurfaces from his room and Remus can’t help but notice a couple things right away. First, the massive white t-shirt and grey cardigan are his. Second, the t-shirt is somehow so big on him (Remus has to buy huge sizes due to his height) that it hangs below his collar bones. Nice. He loves to see Sirius wearing his clothes – it eases some sort of possessive urge within him that he doesn’t care to think about.

Sirius watches Remus watching him, at first smiling, then touching a hand to his cheek like _is there something on my face?_ Rem just stares dumbly at him, smiling, then shakes his head rapidly to snap himself out of it, looking at the carpet with interest.  
“Sorry. Daydreaming. Ready to go?”  
Teddy gives an eager shout at this but Sirius doesn’t seem appeased. His eyes are searching Remus’s face for a sign of something.  When he gives up, he drops his hand to his side from his face. The sound of it hitting his thigh punctuates the end of the matter, almost. But he looks pissed.  
“Yeah.” He replies flatly, pulling a scarf around his neck and swinging out of the door without waiting.

Teddy babbles about Halloween and Hamleys and school once they’re out in the cold. Remus is split between dwelling on Sirius’s sour mood and feeling guilty for keeping Teddy out of playgroup another day. All the same he’s nervous, staring too long at every person they pass for a sign they might be being followed. Every time they round a corner his heart is in his throat and he keeps glancing at Sirius to see how he’s coping.

Sirius is watching the ground just in front of his feet, not replying to anything Teddy or Remus say. Teds doesn’t notice, going on and on in a circular motion – Rem doesn’t know how he hasn’t run out of breath. He’s trying to catch Sirius’s attention over the toddler’s head but he gets the feeling he’s being purposefully ignored.

When they get to the tube station, Teddy quietens down. He’s afraid of the gates that snap closed too fast and the crowds and the whooshing noises of trains arriving and departing. Remus picks him up and balances him on his hip, chattering away to try and ease his nerves as he scans them through the gate and follows Sirius to the escalators.

The escalators move swiftly down the steep decline, each side lined with flickering adverts. Teddy hides his face in Remus’s shoulder and whimpers.

 “Here we are! Time to zoom to Hamleys!” Remus is trying to sound reassuring. Someone gives up a seat for them on the tube and Rem makes Sirius sit down, putting Teddy in his lap. He can sense his best friend is dissociating and wants to give him something to focus on. Soon enough, Sirius is jiggling Ted on his knee gently and talking rubbish to keep him occupied. It’s mutually beneficial and Rem can focus on his breathing, hoping not to get a migraine from the changing air pressure as the tube works deeper underground.

“The next station is Oxford Circus. Change here for the Bakerloo and Central lines.” a pause. “Mind the gap between the train and the platform.”

“Well, this is us!” Remus gets his toddler pleasing voice back on as he scoops Teddy up onto his hip again. He nuzzles his nose into the soft hair on the crown of Teddy’s head, pressing a kiss there comfortingly as quick beeping fills the carriage, then the doors open. They step out and wait for Sirius on the platform who was caught up in a rush of people leaving. When he steps down and comes to meet them, he watches Remus’s displays of affection with a strange look on his face. Then he pulls his scarf a little tighter and leads the way to the exit.

They turn off the intersection onto Regent’s street. Here it’s more crowded and seems to get denser the closer they get to Hamleys. Teddy doesn’t complain that Remus keeps him in his arms – it’s so busy that losing track of him is a serious worry. Sirius looks like a deer caught in headlights as they weave through the crowds, trying not to get separated but inevitably being pushed apart every few paces.

A bunch of people push out of a store and Sirius forces his way through to them, pressing himself into Remus’s side so hard that his shoulder knocks into his ribs painfully as they swerve to avoid a group. Rem watches him, trying to read the blank expression that reminds him of before when he would pretend to be fine. Without another thought, he reaches his free hand down between them and grabs his hand. Sirius jumps and looks up questioningly, then smiles weakly for the first time since they came out and threads their fingers together.

Hamleys isn’t as bad as before, thankfully. Teddy wiggles until he’s let down and starts on a quest to explore every corner of every floor. By the vice grip Sirius has on Remus’s hand, it’s obvious that he’s uncomfortable so they steer towards the dress up section firmly. Teddy looks like he wants to complain but Remus has his serious face on, taking his hand and giving it a little squeeze.

Sirius doesn’t relax once they’re there. He casts paranoid glances around the store continuously as Teddy begins to pull boxes off the shelves with reverence. Rem crouches down, tugging Sirius down with him – this way, the aisles are like walls either side of them, keeping them away from prying eyes. Already Pads begins to look more settled.

“So Teds, tell me again why you won’t go as a Bee Princess?” Sirius is grinning but Teddy gives him a reproachful glower. The reason that Teddy doesn’t like his beloved bee costume anymore is because Remus finally relinquished and let him watch Bee Movie. Apparently he’s the sort of toddler to have nightmares over that. So Ted doesn’t deign Sirius’s teasing with an answer, instead lifting up a box and setting it in front of his parents.

“Elsa.” Remus groans at the long glittery blue dress.  
“You went as Elsa last year.” Teddy scowls, picking up the box to hug it to his chest defensively.  
“Yeah, but _this_ Elsa.” Last year was her coronation outfit, so Rem sighs and nods. Ted is output, though, and looks for something else.  
“What about Olaf?” Sirius suggests, gesturing to the box labelled with a boy in a puffy snowman costume. Teddy looks at him like he’s an idiot.  
“Anna.” Teddy picks up two Anna boxes that Remus thinks are the same, though Sirius argues they are _totally_ different. To help matters, Teddy apparently can’t choose between them because of those differences. (Remus is adamant they are the same, but won’t say it out loud for fear of having Teddy’s ‘don’t be stupid’ face turned on him.)

Sirius looks up with a grin on his face, which quickly drops off as he seems to notice something. Rem follows his gaze, already becoming defensive. There’s a family of redheads over the shop that look harmless, but it seems that Sirius is looking at them – Remus looks to him questioningly. A woman that he can only assume is the mum, with her flame like hair, is standing behind a pram looking over at them like she might know them. She turns to an older man (also a redhead), says something, then starts off towards them, parting the crowds with the pram.

“It’s Molly Prewett. Weasley now, actually. Her son Ron is friends with Harry, the Weasley and Potter families apparently go way back.” Sirius rushes his words to try and explain before she arrives in front of them. He’s obviously nervous as he straightens up, dropping Rem’s hand even though he follows shortly after. When she reaches them, Rem picks Ted up and holds him to his side. She winces at his obviously protective stance but smiles with such warmth anyway that Remus can’t help but struggle to continue seeing her as a threat.

“Hello Sirius.” Molly has a very kind and soothing voice and she turns to Remus, still smiling although she seems as nervous as Sirius is, going by the way she brushes her hands quickly over her skirt a few times to sort out some imaginary wrinkle. “And you must be Remus!” She nods to him, and they both smile back as Teddy watches with curious eyes. “And Teddy! Oh, aren’t you precious! He looks just like you, Remus, really.” She gives Ted’s face an affectionate squeeze that would usually have Teddy flinching and complaining, but instead he beams and reaches out to her for a cuddle. Mrs Weasley coos and looks to Rem for permission before scooping him into her arms and balancing him on one wide hip. He burrows in right away. Sirius clears his throat.

“Another one already?” Sirius asks, gesturing to the little baby napping in the pram, unperturbed by the noise around them.  
“Yes, this is Ginevra! Well. Ginny. A girl, at last!” She rebalances Teddy as she laughs. He’s watching the displays from his vantage point curiously. The army of ginger heads are peeking at them covertly by the action men.  “Are you here for Halloween costumes?” Molly asks Teddy, who nods sheepishly. “We’re getting the boys theirs. Expensive here, though.” She pulls a face like she bit a lemon that makes Ted laugh. Rem agrees slightly too enthusiastically – he’s on edge when it comes to money and can’t imagine stretching a budget to seven children.  
“It is a bit.” Sirius is noncommittal, looking down at his feet then back up, steeling himself. “Molly, is there anything I can help with?”

Remus would usually be mortified by Sirius’s to-the-point attitude but he can see that Molly is building up to something. With people shuffling around them to look at costumes, it’s cramped between the aisles.

Molly pulls a face of discomfort again, passing Teddy back to Remus who puts him on the floor to busy himself with costumes. She brushes imaginary dust from her skirt again then grips the pram handles tight, sucking in a deep breath. Mr Weasley casts them a glance from a few aisles over before his attention is grabbed again by the pair of twins throwing a rather heavy (and expensive) looking toy dinosaur high above their ginger heads. “Well, I wanted to see how you’re doing...” She starts, nervous. Then she sighs and shakes a piece of hair from her face. “Sirius. I was speaking with Minerva – you know I work in home economics part time – and she told me what happened.” Remus’s gaze darts between them as she pauses for breath, Sirius pursing his lips.

“I’m not close with Fabian... I guess you can tell why. This isn’t... It’s not an excuse. He’s different now. I just couldn’t believe it. I... Well. It’s horrific.” She drops her chin and Sirius relaxes, realising she doesn’t mean any harm. “I’m so, _so_ sorry, Sirius. If I ever see that _idiotic_ man, I swear!” She waves a hand through the air dismissively. “Anyway. I wanted to tell you that the Weasleys will never, ever condone that behaviour. Ronald is friends with Harry and I know that you and James are close. Any friend of James is a friend of ours – he’s a lovely man. You must come to dinner – all three of you. Sometime soon.”

Sirius smiles and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.  
“Molly, thank you – it really isn’t necessary...”  
“I insist.” She claps a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “And I do mean all three of you!” She gives Remus a stern look, then steps back and takes a hold of the handles of the pram. “Right, I’d better nip off and get these costumes sorted. It’s hellish in here, really. See you boys soon. Oh, and bring James!”

With that, Molly waves and wheels the pram back to the rest of the Weasley family, bustling about with purpose. Remus and Sirius watch after her in a kind of stupor until Teddy gives them a hard poke in the leg, dropping a couple of boxes onto their feet. Remus reaches and takes Sirius’s hand again gently, worried even as he does it in case he’s being too forward.  
“You okay?” Sirius smiles and squeezes his hand.  
“Yeah.”

“Right, Teds. Plenty of time to think. Which one’s it gonna be?”  
“Anna.”  
“Which Anna?”  
“The _nice_ one.” Teddy gives him a look that screams ‘duh’ as he passes Rem a box. Remus looks at it – it still looks the same as the other one – and nods mildly.  
“Ah yes. Very nice.” Sirius is more enthusiastic, stealing the box from Remus and taking off towards the cashiers at a trot. Teddy shrieks and laughs, following him with no regard to the people he barges in front of. Remus follows behind briskly, apologising to everyone Sirius and Teddy nearly bowl over.

The journey back to the flat is uneventful – Teddy is nervous on the tube again and Remus feels a migraine brewing between his temples. When they get in, Sirius wants Teddy to try on his outfit right away and the toddler doesn’t protest, nearly falling over himself to get changed. The Anna dress fits (thankfully) and Teddy loves it, spinning around again and again until he’s dizzy and falls over.

Once they’ve put Teddy to bed, Sirius and Remus sit on the couch next to one another. Sirius is wiping away his makeup slowly, wincing whenever he presses too hard, occasionally eyeing the stains of concealer on the wipe. Rem sits with his head flung back, eyes squeezed shut as his migraine takes root and starts to grow with startling velocity. Even the dim light of the living room and the sound of the makeup wipe packet crackling is agitating it.

Sirius seems to notice this as he puts the used wipes in the bin, turning to look at Remus spread out on the couch with his face screwed up. He goes to the bathroom for his painkillers and brings them with a glass of water, standing over Rem until he takes them. Then he turns the lights off and comes back to the couch.

 They sit there together in the dark quietly, not saying anything – Remus is concentrating  on not thinking about his migraine in case it makes it worse and failing. Sirius gently coaxes Rem to lie down, putting his head in his lap so he can knead his temples gently. He used to do this for him in university when Rem would be studying for finals and Sirius would be avoiding responsibilities. He leans over him more than he needs to, able to feel Remus’s strained breathing on his face, then feeling it begin to even out as the painkillers start to work and he slowly falls asleep.

 

 


	12. Supermarket Sweep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONSIDER IT UPDATED!
> 
> Lots of character insight here, wanted to give them boiz some development. Enjoy!

When James calls the next morning, no one is awake to answer. Remus is deep in sleep and tangled around Sirius, which is becoming a habit. Sirius, a light sleeper, does wake for the ringtone but doesn’t want to answer - for one, his phone is on the dinner table across the room, it’s too much effort. And on the other hand, the minute his phone rings his heart rate picks up and he can’t bring himself to face it. It’s too early to talk to other people - he’s content to settle back down into Rem’s arms.

Lily is sitting next to James on their sofa with Harry between them on the crease of the cushions, already dozing though he’s barely out of bed. He uses their entwined legs like a hammock. Lily watches her husband closely and tilts her head at his frown.

“Voicemail?” She asks as she tucks her hair behind her ears. James nods and sighs, putting his phone down on the arm of the couch behind him then scrubs his hands through his hair.  
“Maybe… Ugh, I’unno, maybe they’re still sleeping.” James scrambles for an explanation and Lily can’t help but smile,  
“It’s ten. Sirius never sleeps in - he’s a morning person.” She shudders, feeling accomplished to get a laugh out of her husband who has been pretty solemn these last few days because of all the worrying he’s doing about their friends. Despite his fierce loyalty, James is rarely this low. Lily does understand that it’s more serious now than it has been for some time - it’s been tying her stomach in knots.

They ebb into an easy silence for a few minutes as James fiddles absently with Harry’s curls. Lily watches him and feels, for once, content and happy in her home life. While her depression comes and goes, her anxiety is fairly constant and she finds the chaotic lifestyle of having a toddler pretty overwhelming sometimes. In that sense, James being carefree and boisterous can be a blessing or a curse.It means he can either exacerbate or ease tensions, which depends on how Harry is feeling. Since Sirius’s assault, though, James has been consistently distant with his mind on his friend’s predicament, holed up in their flat. Sirius is obviously traumatised and Lily knows that Remus is barely coping. Lily hates to say that she needs James at times like these, so instead of asking for help she’s been reverting to a few bad habits (such as, her fast depleting biscuit stash, too much coffee, oversleeping) to try and pull her through.

“James…” Lily starts, pulling him back to the present moment. He blinks a few times and looks at her with a sheepish smile, sorry to have zoned out.  
“Yeah?” He straightens his glasses on his nose and sniffs. He hasn’t been sleeping well because of feeling helpless over Sirius and Remus, other than occasionally taking Teddy out. His nails are bitten down to stubs, which Lily lectures him for.  
“D’you want to go see them?”

James hesitates, giving Lily a once over. He knows he’s been as good as a man short recently and would feel guilty to rush into agreeing to visit Remus and Sirius - he worries he’d upset her. Usually he takes pride in his domestic goddess abilities but hasn’t been helping out as much as he should in the last couple of days. On top of that, he can see that Lily is struggling - her oversleeping and overeating are telltale signs that he knows better than to comment on. It makes him feel even worse because he loves her and wishes he was a better help. He nudges his foot against her calf, accidentally waking Harry up who gives a soft burble of complaint.  
“Maybe later - we can bring Harry and go for Pret. Sirius will like that.”

Lily smiles at him, sitting forward to pull Harry into her lap covetously so she can drag a comb she snuck downstairs through his stubborn curls. He whines but is thankfully too sleepy to really protest against her deft hands as they work. James grins and sits forward so he can keep the little one entertained. The family work in harmony, both adults acutely aware that their friends across the city are probably having to work a lot harder at anything remotely as peaceful.

 

-

Not long after the missed phone call, Teddy wakes up and begins to wail when he finds the bedroom empty. Really, it’s a miracle that he slept in so long but Sirius is still reluctant as he untangles himself from Remus who is only just starting to come around. It’s eleven in the morning and Ted is eager to come out of his cot and onto the bed - Sirius easily relents, his back knotted from sleeping on the sofa. Stretching out on the lumpy old mattress is bliss.

Through the flat, Sirius can hear Remus groaning as he wakes in a weird pretzel position. He imagines Moony disentangling his beanpole frame from the sofa cushions, lots of joints popping. He’ll screw up his face and scrunch his nose, rub his eyes. He’ll be disoriented by the fact that he isn’t in bed and that Sirius isn’t there, even though the cushions are still warm from his body heat. All of this, Padfoot imagines as if it isn’t only metres away. It’s a peaceful thought.

Rem has been so good to him recently, Sirius reflects - more sensitive and understanding than anyone could hope for. Padfoot is getting to breaking point, dissociating regularly and moving through each day listlessly like before Teddy was born. Before moving in here. Remus is his rock, the steadiness in the uneven passage of his life - always has been. He makes Sirius feel safe, which fills him to the brim with affection he feels too stunted romantically to show. With all of his romantic endavours having a way of turning ugly, he’s terrified of truly considering seeing Remus that way. Even though he knows that it would be different with Remus - because Remus is different, he is - Sirius always feels he’s in part to blame. He worries he’s the problem - and he isn’t any different than he was before. Sometimes time feels cyclical, like he can’t escape. He doesn’t want to subject Rem to all this baggage, is loathe to do it even now as friends.

Speak of the devil - Remus drags his feet into the room and surveys Sirius and Teddy on the bed with a groggy smile. He comes over to them and lies down on the other side of the toddler, stretching his back out with a happy sigh.  
“Sorry ‘made you sleep on the sofa.” Remus turns to Sirius, his neck cracking. Sirius just shrugs and smiles, eyeing Rem’s mop of hair that falls over his face.  
“Sorry left you on there - y’looked like a big pretzel.” Remus snorts and pushes his hair out of his eyes.  
“Felt like one when I straightened up.”  
“Because it’s not natural for you to straighten out.” Sirius teases, a twelve year old joke at best by the look Remus gives him.

Teddy seems to be coming down with something, a little feverish and snuffling. Remus is on high alert and demands he stay in bed, so the three of them laze there as the morning turns to afternoon. Remus makes a mental list of the contents of the medicine cabinet, working through the prolonged sleepiness. Teddy being out for the count is pretty welcome with how tired the two men are - the quality of sleep you get from zonking out on the sofa isn’t great. Neither of them want to consider getting up and re-entering the real world.

Remus is thinking as he lies there about when Sirius will go back to work. He can tell Pads is already itching to get back there and cause trouble (or un-cause the trouble, funnily enough). Rem is nervous about it, though, and has been considering talking to James about it one-to-one. He knows it’s something that should involve Sirius every step of the way but he has a strong feeling that he has a better chance of talking Pads around to staying out of work a little longer than James does.

All the same, Remus knows it doesn’t suit Sirius to stay holed up in the flat. It must be an absolute nightmare, inducing flashbacks to his past relationships and when he lived at home with his parents. Moony winces, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. Now he feels so selfish for wanting to bundle Sirius up in cotton wool and keep him here - after all, it’s evident what it’s doing to him.

With all this weighing down on him, Rem puts a hand on Sirius’s shoulder gently which rouses him from an in-depth thought. Sirius’s eyes follow the line of his arm to his face and smiles curiously.  
“You okay?” Remus asks, keeping quiet because Teddy has started snoring between them.  
“I guess. Just… Out of it.” It’s obvious Sirius is disconcerted by this by the way he loiters for just another second to enjoy Remus’s touch before getting up. “Need to get out of bed or I’ll be there all day.” He explains, covering his eyes with his hands like he’s trying to block out all the internal noise by hiding from the outside world.

Remus watches silently, ready to act as a comfort blanket for Sirius if he needs it. He’s always boundlessly worried about Padfoot recently and lingers constantly on the thought that if he could just show Sirius how he truly feels, if by some miracle his best friend felt the same way… Maybe he could help more. Maybe he could coax Sirius out of the shell he’s hiding in now, could give him all the physical contact he thrives on.

It’s not that Remus sees Padfoot as extremely needy or only able to function when in a relationship. It’s that, having known him for so long, it’s impossible not to understand him on such an in depth level. That Sirius was starved of love for most of his youth so that now, he strives for it - from friends or otherwise. He thrives on interaction from all the days locked in his parents’ basement, all the days not allowed to leave his flat he shared with his ex boyfriend. His love of other people is what makes him so good at his job. Remus loves him for it but worries endlessly over whether or not he’s doing it for himself or to avoid the reality of his issues. Not that Moony can talk, as he’s never been able to function independently - he works better in a team. Like a pack. 

But Sirius… Sirius wants to be independent and pretends to be. He’ll pretend to be fine and pretend not to need help. Won’t reach out. Maybe he would open up more to Remus if Rem opened up to him first… If they were involved differently… 

No. Sirius will open up as much as he wants to, when he wants to. It’s not fair to want more than he’s ready to give. And it doesn’t matter if they aren’t together the way Remus wants them to be, so badly it hurts. Whatever Sirius needs, Rem will always give him it. Even if that means just being friends. It doesn’t matter.

By the time Remus snaps out of this internal spiel, Sirius has left the room. Moony isn’t sure if he should wake Teddy and take him to the living room or let him sleep. Going for the former, he scoops Ted into his arms and carries him to the sofa that’s still crumpled from last night. Thinking of what his parents used to do for him when he wasn’t well, he grabs the duvet and a pillow from the bedroom to swaddle the toddler up. At first Teddy complains weakly at being so bundled, but quickly calms when laid back on the pillow and soon starts to snore again.

Sirius is in the kitchenette staring blankly at the counter. At first Remus watches from afar, unsure if he should approach him. His previous thoughts have left him feeling guilty and selfish and he worries if somehow Sirius could have read his mind. Shaking that off, he puts the TV on so that if Teddy wakes up he won’t be bored. Even as he’s crossing the room to Padfoot he’s wondering if his best friend feels smothered by him.

There’s plenty of cleaning to do today and they all need to eat. All the same Remus can see that Sirius can’t help just now and he doesn’t hold it against him. This is exactly Moony’s worry about him going back to work, though - there’s not enough room for his dissociative episodes there.

“Sirius.” Padfoot has stared at the counter for five solid minutes without moving. Remus is starting to wonder if he’s fallen asleep on his feet. Sirius looks up at him, dazed, then smiles sheepishly.  
“Sorry - zoned out. What’s up?” He scratches the back of his head and drops his chin. Moony nudges their shoulders together, seeing that Sirius isn’t just zoning out - he’s obviously dissociating.

“What did we have last night for dinner?” Remus asks casually as he moves Sirius out of the way, putting the kettle on to boil and popping a pot on the hob. Padfoot frowns but answers nonetheless.  
“Macaroni.”  
“Oh, yeah. Just with cheese sauce, right?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Do we need anything from the shop today?” Sirius blinks then grabs the pad and pen off the fridge to check.  
“Pro’ly. Let me see.”

Having successfully given Sirius a task to keep his mind busy, Remus starts to boil up eggs for brunch, planning on making egg-mayo sandwiches. After five minutes of quiet, Rem getting out bread and mayo, salt, pepper and cheese and Padfoot compiling their list, Sirius dumps the pad on the counter next to him.

“What do we need?” Remus asks, pretending to be busy with checking the time and spreading slices of bread with mayo. Sirius rolls his eyes and picks the pad up again.  
“Cheese, milk, eggs, ketchup, pasta, bread, peppers, mushrooms, onion -” He whispers this theatrically because if Teddy heard him, he’d start a riot “chocolate, flour, bananas, cheesy pasta, tin soup, washing up liquid, hand soap, laundry powder, toothpaste for Teddy.” Rem nods along, hoping Sirius will help him out with the shopping and bring the car. Moony is really bad for picking up way more than is on the list which makes it a lot to carry - plus, they’ll have to take Teddy who will want chocolate pudding and marshmallows and all the rest. If he’s sick, both Sirius and Remus will have a hard time saying no to him.

The egg mayo sandwiches go down well and Sirius offers to do dishes. While he’s at the sink, Remus gets a phone call - James. Covertly leaving the room with Teddy half watching Ben-10, he stands in the hall to pick up.

“Hey, James.” He’s already smiling before his friend speaks, glad to hear from someone outside of the flat.  
“Moony! You didn’t pick up earlier, you prat!” James complains loudly.  
“You called?”  
“Yeah, at 10.” He can hear James’s exaggerated sigh and in the background, Harry and Lily playing pilots.  
“Sorry, was sleeping.” Remus glances into the living room to see if Sirius is still busy - he’s scrubbing a plate at the moment, luckily.  
“Good. Anyway, how’re you doing?”

“Ah… Okay, I guess. Not killed each other yet.” James doesn’t laugh.  
“How about Teddy and Sirius?”  
“Well, Teddy seems to be coming down with something. And Sirius… Prongs, I dunno. Well, no, I do know. I just don’t know how to fix it.”  
“What’s going on?”  
“Dissociating, sleeping a lot, not much appetite… Too anxious to do basic things but obviously wants to get back to work.”  
“Uh-uh. Yeah, didn’t think it’d be great.” James sighs seriously this time and Remus can imagine him dropping his chin and scrubbing a hand through his hair, feeling helpless. He’s probably been biting his nails.  
“Yeah.” Rem agrees, not sure what else to say.

After a few minutes of silence, James pipes back up again, trying to sound cheery.  
“Look, I was going to pop round later with Lily and Harry. D’you want to come out, hold off the cabin fever?”  
“What sort of thing were you thinking?” Remus is hopeful that seeing the Potters will help Sirius’s mood, but is also cautious of overwhelming him.  
“I’unno, Pret or something?” Harry makes an especially loud whooping noise and Lily faux-shrieks something about damaging the engine.  
“Maybe. We need to get the shopping in today.” James hears an opportunity and jumps on it.  
“Well, we’ll all go to the shop together then. I’ll bring the Rover ‘round so we can all fit in, make a big event out if it.” Remus rolls his eyes and grins, having known James would go over the top.  
“Alright then, sure. When abouts? I need to get Teddy dressed.”  
“We’ll eat lunch then come over, so I’ll get there probably around half 2 depending on traffic.”  
“Right-o then. See you soon, James.”  
“See you soon, Moons.”

Sirius is waiting for him on the sofa with Teddy, frowning at him with a curious tilt of the head. Remus smiles brightly, hoping Padfoot wouldn’t expect anything underhand.  
“James, Lily and Harry are gonna come ‘round to take us shopping.” He explains as he crosses to the kitchen to mop up a cluster of soap suds. Sirius is still staring as he turns around.  
“Okay.” But he doesn’t sound like it’s okay - his face is carefully blank and his body language is defensive. Teddy is wriggling in the duvet.  
“You sure?” Rem asks after some hesitation, frowning. Sirius sighs and stands up, shrugging.  
“Yeah, I guess. What time?”  
“‘Round half two.”  
“Did James ask about me?” Remus tenses immediately at the point-blank question and knows Sirius sees it. It tells him all he needs to know - he nods and goes to the bedroom.

At a loss, Remus goes to look in the medicine cupboard to double check on what they have. When he comes out Teddy is dozing, so he turns off the TV and grabs his book from the side of the couch. It seems like a good idea to give Padfoot some space.

Come half two, Sirius has showered and dressed. He hasn’t bothered with concealer today, allowing the bruises to show, a stark comparison to his pale skin. Remus got Teddy up and dressed shortly after Sirius headed to the bathroom. The toddler is still snuffling and a bit too hot, complaining at being moved around, but excited to see the Potters soon.

James, Lily and Harry arrive at quarter to three looking harassed. Apparently traffic is shit and Remus feels bad to bother them with the shopping expedition. James insists it’s fine, waiting by the door with Teddy on his hip, Lily holding Harry while Rem goes to get shopping bags. Sirius has hidden himself in the bedroom pretending to look for his coat.

When all but Sirius are standing at the door waiting, Remus frowns and passes the bags to Harry to hold who is always keen to be of help. Of course, before Moony is through the bedroom door the bags have been dropped on the floor in favour of trying to count higher than he knows how, poking at Lily’s freckles as he goes.

“Sirius?” Remus pokes his head around the door before letting himself in and shutting it behind him. Padfoot is sitting on the edge of the bed on Rem’s side, head in his hands, shaking.  
“Yeah?” His voice is blunt. Moony sits next to him on the bed.  
“What’s up?”

There’s a long hesitation before Sirius looks up and meets his eye. He looks terrified.  
“I… I don’t know if I… If I can. And I want to go out so much, but… I... “ He puts a hand to his chest and Remus understands. He reaches out and entwines their fingers.  
“We don’t have to go. I’m sure they would understand - we can stay in today.” But Sirius quickly pulls his hand away.  
“No, you don’t get it! I… I don’t want to not go, I want to go, but I can’t, Remus, I’m too tired after yesterday and I always feel like I’m under constant observation recently with you!”

Rem is surprised at the sudden rebuke - obviously it hurts even though he doesn’t want it to. He tries to be rational, that Sirius is just taking out all his complicated emotions on him because he doesn’t know how else to deal with them. But it’s not so easy. His nails begin to bite crescent moons into his palms and his heart rate picks up. His chest feels tight. He doesn’t know how to reply, and Sirius doesn’t say anything else. He’s dropped his gaze to the floor again and refuses to look back up.

“Do you want me to go? We’ll get the shopping and you can stay…” The hurt is plain in his voice even though he tries to be calm. Sirius sniffs.  
“Just leave me alone.”

Remus leaves Sirius with an awkward pat on the shoulder, wondering why he had thought they had made progress in their relationship at all. He must be deluding himself to think Padfoot had shown a romantic interest. Knowing he’s selfish for considering that side of things at all, he finds himself hating himself a little more.

James and Lily give him questioning looks as he shuts the door behind him and he just shrugs and smiles.  
“Sirius isn’t feeling so good. He just wants to stay here.” Remus hates how his voice comes out so small and shaky, hates how worried James and Lily look.  
“I should stay.” James starts automatically, Lily stopping him with a hand to his shoulder.  
“Maybe me?” She offers, eyes gentle as they rest on her friend. Remus just shakes his head and gestures to the door.  
“We should let him be - he just needs to rest.” It’s unconvincing, but they file out of the small flat anyway and head down to the private parking out back. 

Teddy is, thankfully, too out of it waiting for the calpol to kick into question much where Sirius is. He sits in his car seat quietly and stares outside, watching rain trailing down the window. The drive to Sainsbury’s is hectic with traffic and James is barely restraining himself from swearing. His hand is so tight on the gear stick that his knuckles are turning white - Lily places her hand softly on top of his and gives it a squeeze. They share a glance and a smile before James turns back to the road, considerably calmer.

Just watching that makes Remus’s heart twist a little. The last relationship he had was Tonks. He can’t lie and say he never feels lonely - even with Teddy always there to keep him company and Sirius as well… It’s not the same. Feeling embarrassed of his own wistfulness, he gives his attention to untucking the collar of Teddy’s coat from underneath itself. Spending more time than really necessary on smoothing out his toddler’s outfit and hair, he wishes he could keep his head clear of all these stupid, heart-lead thoughts.

They find parking close to the door in the parent-and-child section and Teddy and Harry insist on being in the big trolley seats. Harry keeps demanding they do a Mario-Kart race in the aisles and every time the trolleys get close he tries to throw Lily’s pack of sanitary towels at Teddy’s head.

As the Potters are doing a smaller shopping, James volunteers to stick with Harry and do theirs while Lily goes with Remus to help him. Harry complains when they go.

“Hey, Rem.” Lily links her arm with Remus’s which is braced against the bar of the trolley. He smiles at her softly, mind anywhere but here. At least he has the shopping list Sirius wrote - he would be hopeless at remembering, otherwise.  
“Hey. You okay?” He wants to divert attention away from what’s going on in his head, especially since he knows Lily must be struggling. If his guess is right, James will be pretty absent just now worrying about Padfoot and not helping out as much, so Lily will be stressed out trying to keep everything together.  
“Yeah, m’alright.” She sighs, eyes scanning the shelves for margarine. “I mean… Not really.” She gives Rem a quick smile before turning away again as she tucks her hair back. “But nothing new. You?”  
“Same.” Remus smiles blandly, nudging Lily in the ribs to try and lighten the mood. Teddy is stretching his arms out towards the Petit Filous - Rem puts it in the basket obediently. He really can’t say no to his son when he’s sick.

“Did something happen before we came out?” Lily asks after a long moment scanning the various brands of spread - Stork, Clover… Remus goes for the store own brand, knowing Sirius will complain it doesn’t melt on his toast properly just to be a prat.  
“Um. Yeah. I don’t know if I should go into it, though?” He glances to Teddy who eyes each product curiously though he’ll soon get bored and grumpy because of all the bright lights in here.  
“I think you’re probably safe” Lily grins as Teddy wiggles at the sight of a can of whip cream by the chocolate mousse - he’s absolutely fixated. Remus rolls his eyes as he dumps a Buttons chocolate mousse and whip cream into the trolley - this receipt is going to look a nightmare.

“Sirius got pissed at me when I went into the room. I guess I’m smothering him.” Lily looks at him, concerned, and gives his arm a squeeze. It’s good to have someone willing to see his point of view and not just take what he says at face value, because Remus is always painting himself the villain.  
“I’m sure you’re not - I know it’s hard when you’re all cooped up together.”  
“Well, we did go out…” He eyes her sheepishly to gauge her reaction. She just raises her eyebrows to signal for him to go on. “We went to Hamleys for Teddy’s Halloween costume... I know, I know, bad idea. It’s just, he was annoyed because he wasn’t getting to go to playgroup.” Remus pauses to remove a massive block of cheese from Teddy’s grasp. “And I felt bad, y’know? So we went, Sirius came with… We bumped into Molly Weasley.”

Lily’s mouth forms a little oh as if many things are falling into place now. She stops scanning shelves and gives Remus her full attention, though the fact they’ve stopped means other shoppers have to weave around them with disgruntled looks.  
“She was lovely.” Rem quickly jumps in, though Lily doesn’t look surprised at that - she obviously knows the Weasleys a little better than Moony did. “I think it just… Rattled Sirius is all. And then today he was dissociating a lot. So I went in to see if he was alright but he says he feels like I’ve got him under constant observation just now. Got mad at me, snapped a lot. I… I dunno. I guess I don’t give him enough space.”

Rem disentangles his arm from Lily’s and starts to push down the aisle for the laundry powder and kitchen towels. Sirius isn’t here to make him stick to the list so he’s pretty liberal in the snack aisle, too - chocolate, biscuits, more chocolate… He’ll pay Sirius back for it later. Lily has been quietly ruminating on what Moony told her, walking along distractedly and occasionally bumping into people.

“I don’t think he should have snapped at you.” She finalises at last when they’re going towards the tills to reconvene with James and Harry. “I know this is really hard for him… But it is for you, too. It’s hard for him to remember that when he’s tied up in what’s going on in his head, yeah, I know… I just… You need to listen to each to other.” She frowns and ducks her head. “You need to communicate.”

Remus doesn’t get the chance to reply before James is upon them, gently crashing their trolleys together which makes Harry squeal with delight. It frightens a few other shoppers around them but they all just laugh, Prongs latching on to Moony in a tight hug.  
“Save me, he’s a terrible driver!” He exclaims, pretending to faint into Remus’s arms who barely catches him. Lily is laughing and Teddy is craning his neck to see what the hell is going on.

They get through the tills without much further incident though James is pretending to tell Remus off the whole while for all the unhealthy contents of his purchase. When Moony’s items are bagged, Prongs saunters up and uses his card to pay for it, waving away Rem’s protests.

“Really, it’s the least I can do!” James insists, the complaints still going on as they climb into the car after returning the trolleys and getting their pound back. Teddy is grumbling about being tired and wanting to go to sleep so it’s time they head home, anyway.  
“I can pay you back!” Remus complains, feeling both thankful and embarrassed. It’s humiliating to have your friends worry about you so much financially that they want to pay for a huge shopping for you.   
“You can, but you won’t!” Lily finally enters the argument, so far neutral. She fixes Remus with her intense doctor’s-orders glare and finally, he shuts up.

Lily is getting Teddy out of the car as James and Remus stand at the boot, unloading Moony’s bags onto the pavement to start lugging them up. James is frowning, quiet and pensive all of a sudden.

“Alright?” Remus gives him a soft tap on the arm to get his attention. James snaps out of his daze, still half-frowning though he tries to smile reassuringly.  
“Yeah, I just… It’s not good for him to be up there all day. And yes, I know I told him to. But… Well.. I thought today…” He sighs exasperatedly, often stumped when it comes to the inner workings of his best friend’s mind.  
“Don’t take it too hard, mate. He’s just… Fragile.”  
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” James sighs, looking to the bags on the asphalt before shutting the boot. “I dunno. I’ll come up, help you with this shopping. Lily can sit with Harry, sure she doesn’t mind not trekking up the stairs anyway. Maybe I can talk to him for five minutes, arrange dinner…”

Remus agrees to this and Lily is, as expected, happy not to have to make her way up the multiple flights of stairs. She and Harry sit in the car playing patty cake as James and Rem make their way into the building and up.

Reflecting on it, it does seem like a good idea to Moony for Sirius to get out with Prongs for a while. They might argue a lot over nothing but they’re good friends and have been there for each other through thick and thin. James is an expert at cheering Padfoot up. Although it leaves Remus feeling inadequate, he tries to ignore that. More than anything else he wants to help Sirius, and if that means backing off and letting Prongs do some of the legwork, then fine. 

The only problem with this plan is that when they get to the flat, Sirius isn’t there.


	13. Trigger Warning 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I ain't messing around! Trigger Warning is an apt title. Full list here... CONTAINS SPOILERS
> 
> Rape/sexual assault mention  
> Past domestic abuse mention  
> Past abuse from family mention  
> Stalking/stalker  
> Physical violence and blood  
> Use of date-rape drug (rohypnol)  
> Vomiting and Unconsciousness/passing out  
> Threatening behaviour/ threatening to abduct/cause bodily harm  
> Use of slurs such as slut, whore, faggot (plus other homophobic themes possibly)
> 
> If there are any issues with the quality of the writing as in spelling/grammar, I'm really sorry! I did try and read over it, but I wrote it in one night when I couldn't sleep... Oops (I should make a bloopers page for this, some of the shit I wrote was hilarious)

Sirius doesn’t know where he’s going when he leaves the flat, just knows he has to get out. The claustrophobic feeling of being stuck indoors so much is too much to bear today. Even though it’s raining, even though he’ll be on his own, he doesn’t care. Anywhere but here he tells himself as he locks the door behind him. 

His hair is quickly soaked through in the downpour, his leather jacket thankfully deflecting the raindrops so they can’t seep to his skin. The weather is pretty indicative of his mood. He turns out of the street looking around him constantly, paranoid of being caught though he wagers they’ll all be gone for at least two hours. James always goes over the top.

It’s a Friday so the tubes aren’t too busy. Sirius doesn’t intend to go far - his travel card works zones 1-4 so he won’t be going a long way out. While the carriages rattle underneath the city he decides on his destination.

The pub he and James have frequented since uni is familiar and safe. The bartender, Tom, welcomes Sirius like an old friend and offers the usual. Sirius sits up at the bar and smiles - Tom has seen him roughed up before so doesn’t comment.  
“This one’s on the house.” Is the only indication that Tom knows anything is amiss. 

A few seats down he can see a couple other regulars - older folks that have been coming here longer than he has. Sirius only knows Doris on a more personal basis as she’s fond of oversharing. Dedalus has introduced himself and likes to chat, but has a habit of going into deep mood swings and avoiding others during them. He’s a heavy drinker and is happy to keep to himself.

Taking a long drink of his pint, Padfoot looks around him like he’s analysing the decor, as if he doesn’t know it like the back of his hand. He considers ordering up some food but is still full of the sandwich Remus made him. Truthfully he’s scanning the bar for anything threatening - he’s always checking his back now, waiting for something to go wrong.

Reflecting on his conversation with Remus is less pleasant. Sirius wants to avoid it if possible, focuses on taking regular drinks of his pint. Tom chats to him about nothing in particular - football scores, the weather, winter’s fast approach.  
“They say it’s going to be the worst winter in 40 years!” Tom exclaims like they don’t say that every year. Sirius snorts.  
“They say that all the time. You’ll be able to compare each year to the next back a century.” He teases, getting him a light swat with the bar rag. 

It goes on like that - harmless banter, ignoring the constant buzz of his phone in his pocket when Remus and James have arrived back at the flat to find him missing. He supposes he can’t stay here for too long after that - Prongs knows him too well, will probably suss out where he’s gone in a heartbeat. In fifteen minutes he might even be on his way, depending on what Lily and Harry are going to get up to.

Sitting there, Tom now occupied with a small rush of customers after the West Ham game, Sirius tries not to feel guilty. He shouldn’t worry his friends like this - they’re only trying to help. True, he hates to be holed up in the flat and can barely stand feeling so helpless. He hates seeing his friends get so overprotective - it embarrasses him. So much of his life he’s felt like he just can’t handle himself and even now, it pervades. Why can’t they trust him to look after himself, just for a little while?

Someone sits down next to him at the bar. Sirius doesn’t look at them, really, lost in his thoughts. It’s only when they clear their throat that he turns to them with a polite mask. His first reaction is to jerk away from their close proximity - Fabian - and try and run. Then he sees the way they’re looking at him.

It isn’t like Fabian stared, possessive and always with undertones of jealousy and anger. There’s no air of entitlement and not even a little malice. Sirius is certain Fabian wouldn’t have been so polite if they had bumped into one another here. It’s quiet between them for a long moment as Padfoot stares and tries to work out what the hell is going on.

“Gideon Prewett. Pleased to meet you.” The man smiles and offers a slim, freckled hand. After a moment’s hesitation, Sirius accepts it and forces himself to act casual.  
“Sirius. The same to you, I reckon. You’re…?”  
“Fabian’s brother. Twin, actually.”  
“Ah.” 

Of course Sirius isn’t relaxed around this man. Fabian is the sort who would involve his siblings in something underhand to lure him back. It’s possible this is all some sort of trap. So he remains aloof, tries to be as distant as possible from this stranger. Tries to quell the fast beating of his heart and the paranoia telling him check your back, look around, who else is here? 

“I’m alone.” Gideon offers, obviously reading Sirius’s discomfort. The tall man gives him an apologetic smile. “If this isn’t a good time, I can go.”  
“No, it’s not… It’s fine.” Sirius is feeling a little guilty, like he’s been caught being incredibly rude. The thing is, Gideon could either be more like Fabian - a bastard - or like Molly, who is much kinder and welcoming. He feels compelled to give him the chance, at least for Molly’s sake after the effort she went to yesterday. “You just look very alike. Took me a minute.”

Tom slides two pints to them over the bar with a smile and a wink that makes Padfoot frown - the bartender always likes to stick his nose into Sirius’s business. It just seems to be his way with all of his customers. Everyone knows that the bartender had a fair bit to do with Lily coming around to James’s advances and letting them move beyond friendship. They used to come here every Friday night until the end of uni and Tom loves to play matchmaker.

“I’m surprised you’re out and about.” Gideon snaps him back out of his reverie and Sirius raises an eyebrow at him.  
“Yeah?”  
“Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t be or anything - obviously - I’m just surprised.” Gideon shrugs plainly and lets his gaze linger on Sirius for what’s usually considered too long.  
“S’pose you know what’s gone on then.” It isn’t phrased as a question and Gideon doesn’t take it as one, neither agreeing or disagreeing. He just pointedly looks at Sirius’s bruises for a long second before looking back to his pint and taking a drink.  
“Fabian told me.”

This gets Sirius’s heckles up right away - the mention of Fabian, that the two brothers are still speaking enough for this to have come up. Something instantly doesn’t seem right and his voice feels dry.  
“Did he.” Padfoot croaks, again, not a question. Gideon nods this time, his eyes back on Sirius and never leaving. Watchful. “Sorry. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.”

The lights in the bathroom are too bright and Sirius spends an extended amount of time reading the graffiti on the wall that hasn’t changed in a long time - the same colours of marker and the same handwriting. He can find the things he and James wrote in here within seconds even though they’re surrounded by other people’s artistic additions. But that isn’t what matters.

Anyone could tell that Sirius is panicking by the grey tone of his skin, the sweat, the rapid breathing. But Padfoot keeps telling himself he’s fine, he’s fine, he just needs to breathe. He’s over thinking! That’s the problem, nothing else. His hand falls to his pocket to feel for his phone - not there. He left it at the bar.

“I’ll just go out and grab it and say I need to make a call. Then I’ll leave.” Sirius murmurs to himself as he pushes out of the bathroom to go back to the bar. Tom is pushing two pints over the counter to Gideon, chattering about something cheerfully. Gideon looks the picture of normalcy in his polo shirt and slacks, his hair slicked back in a messy quiff. Hesitating at the bathroom door - he can see his phone - Sirius tries to decide how to approach this situation.

Truly Gideon seems fine. He’s maybe a bit… Weird. But it’s not anything to be worried about, right? He tries to remember what Minerva said about him the other night, before it all happened.   
Gideon tells me you have come into some bother.  
But that doesn’t mean anything! Gideon could tell people Fabian has been in bother, and still be on his side. None of this makes sense. He’s never seen the ginger here before, why did he come now? Was it planned, to find Sirius? If it was, how did he know? Sirius picks his brain to try and remember if he saw anyone following.

Sirius can’t tell if he’s being paranoid or not when he considers how friendly Tom seems to be with the guy. Not that the bartender is ever reserved with his customers, but it just seems too… familiar. How do they know each other? Surely, since Sirius is so often here, he would have bumped into Gideon by chance already. But he doesn’t need to delve into his memory to know he’s never met this man before.

Before Sirius gets much further in his train of thought, Gideon looks up from the counter and smiles at him, as if he’s totally oblivious to the state Sirius is in. By now, Tom has spotted him too and both wait for him to make his way over.

“Sorry ‘bout that - thought I’d lost my phone.” Sirius tries to look the picture of friendliness as he scoops up his phone, not making to sit down. “I just need to make a call - back in five.” 

Neither Gideon or Tom seem to think this is outlandish and Sirius finally allows himself to breathe normally as the door swings shut behind him. It’s drizzling now rather than outright downpour and Sirius walks a few doors away from the pub before stopping to lean against the wall. He just needs to collect his thoughts before he goes any further. 

The phone in his hand feels heavy now that it isn’t buzzing every other moment. Sirius wants to ignore the concerns of his friends for five more minutes, but knows that five more minutes will lead to another five, then maybe another ten… There’s no sense in putting it off.

Unsurprisingly, Remus and James have sent pushing on 30 messages each. Sirius groans and palms his hair back from his face, feeling his forehead damp with sweat. He scrolls through their threads quickly, seeing copious profanity and fear in each text. Exiting out, he reaches the last thread - he has two texts from Lily.

16:03 - Lils  
Sirius…. 

16:05 - Lils  
One day people are going to get tired of running after you. Think of others for a change.

Sirius metaphorically sees red. Red like Lily’s hair, like her freckles. She fills his vision and infuriates him, getting under his skin and pouring rage into his veins. For a start, how dare she be so condescending - so scathing? As a doctor, shouldn’t she have more empathy? And who is she to treat him like she’s his mother? It’s ridiculous that she thinks she has any position to talk down to him. Never mind that James is hauling the family’s weight, being the only one working - and oh, does Sirius know that feeling. He never signed up to be Remus’s breadwinner… He bets that’s why Lily’s playing this card. Bets that Remus put her up to it, that he’s been whining about Sirius’s ‘bad behaviour’ when they meet up. Fucking ridiculous - ungrateful, mean, childish.

Later on, Sirius will reflect on where all this venom came from and how much grounds it has to be there at all. Right now, reason isn’t with him and all he feels is anger, pure and unbridled. He grips his phone so tight that his knuckles turn white, the words glaring up at him, petulant and mocking until the screen goes black. It’s hard to believe that all of Remus’s texts were purely concerned - that they came from his need to look after Sirius, his best friend. By the way Sirius fumes at both Lily and Remus, you’d think Remus was the aggressor. But Sirius has made connections where he couldn’t be certain any exist, stubbornly holding them now as he begins to storm back to the pub. It’s taken more than five minutes, anyway - Gideon’s probably given up on him.

He’s still hosting his internal tirade as he marches to the bar, full of purpose. Thinking of how smothered he feels by Remus and James, how enraged he is at being herded into corners for his ‘safety’. Gideon is, of course, still there waiting patiently. Sirius doesn’t even give it a second thought - at least there’s a pint waiting - flopping down and taking a long pull of the beer. Whether it’s to put the flames out or feed them, he can’t tell at this stage. His cheeks are hot and his hands are shaking - he can’t seem to breathe in a way that satisfies his heaving lungs.

“Not a good call?” Gideon asks innocently, tilting his head as he watches Sirius continue to take long drinks of beer like he’s parched.  
“No. Not a good call.” Sirius agrees, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Sorry I took a while.”  
“No problem.”

This is just the thing. (And though Sirius can’t see it as he’s considering it, the thing that dragged him into Fabian’s vortex in the first place.) This is the icing on the cake - that Gideon doesn’t care how long Sirius takes on the phone or in the bathroom. Isn’t impatient, isn’t bossing him around. Why can an abject stranger manage that small feat of allowing Sirius space, if his closest friends for over a decade can’t?

This lays heavy on his mind and still is about half an hour later when he’s halfway through another pint that he doesn’t bother to nurse.  
“Sirius, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Gideon has barely drank a thing. Sirius doesn’t notice it. Up until now they’ve chatted idly, mainly Gideon asking questions and Sirius answering.  
“Mhm?” He barely looks up from his pint but Gideon is watching him carefully.  
“I didn’t want to bring it up… But it’s kind of important. To me, I mean.” 

Sirius sighs and fixes Gideon with a tired stare.  
“Just tell me.”

There’s a long silence between them like Gideon’s trying to work out his phrasing.  
“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea… It’s just that this is really close to home for me. Could you, ah… Hear me out?”  
“Fine. But spit it out - I need to get back soon.”  
“I’m not sure what you’ve already done in terms of the… Uh, incident. But there’s something I don’t think you’ve considered.” Sirius’s alarm bells are already starting to go and he thinks he had better leave - but he promised to hear him out, and his brain is hazy.  
“Okay.”  
“I know you’ve heard that things have been difficult for Fabian. He’s gotten himself into a lot of mess. I’m as mad as everyone else is, obviously, it’s just that no one else really gets it. Sometimes it just hasn’t been his fault and it’s… It’s really changed him.” Sirius’s eyes narrow, giving away that he’s skeptical. Gideon notices and continues.

“The thing is, if you go to the police… Well, he’s already been spoken to before about this stuff. And there’s no doubt about it - if they hear about this, it’ll at least go to court.”  
“As it should.” Sirius snaps, flipping his hair away from his face. Gideon winces.  
“But that’s what I mean - you don’t get it. If anything happens… Our family is on pretty bad terms. Molly, well, she’s been mad for a while now. At Fabian, and at me for not being mad enough… She’s threatened to tell my dad about it - my dad’s in hospital. If he found out, it would break his heart… I’m scared it would kill him.”

This is all spinning through Sirius’s head and he can’t make sense of it. A lot of the details seem totally insignificant to the situation and he’s not sure how he’s expected to reply. Looking at Gideon, he tries not to show his annoyance, or worse his confusion. It’s starting to become clear that Gideon had an agenda from the start, which only makes Sirius more suspicious of him - he needs to keep a poker face.

“So? No offence, Gideon, but I don’t see how I come into this.”  
“But it’s obvious, Sirius. Don’t you get it? You can’t press charges. You can’t tell the police. You can’t let them know what happened. If you do, my family is going to fall apart.”

The silence between them is heavy and rings between Sirius’s ears. Anger makes itself known again in the pit of his stomach, boiling up to his chest within moments. That he ever put any stock in Gideon’s character seems ridiculous - there was nothing reconciliatory in this meeting. It was all planned and Sirius finds himself furious about it.

“Look, Gideon. I get that you’re upset about this - no one wants a would-be… Or is he a literal? Rapist for a brother. It’s bound to freak you out. But you can’t tell me what to do with this case - whether I go to the police or not is frankly not your fucking business.”

Gideon is evidently annoyed by this, his eyebrow twitching and his mouth pulling down at the corners. Sirius is starting to wonder if literally everyone in this world is out to control him one way or another.

“Okay. Sorry I asked - fine.”

The reply comes as a total surprise, Sirius having fully expected some sort of showdown. Instead, Gideon excuses himself to the bathroom - presumably to cool off - and leaves Sirius stewing in his own thoughts. Tom comes over to him with raised eyebrows.  
“Everything okay with him?” The bartender nods towards the bathrooms. Sirius shrugs.  
“Dunno. He’s a bit… Intense.”  
“M’right here if he’s causing you bother. He’s been asking for you.” Padfoot gets the feeling that things should be clicking into place with this new information, but it’s not.  
“When was he asking for me?” The whole world’s closing in around him, becoming more and more claustrophobic.  
“He’s been here pretty much every day for three, maybe four days?”  
“Oh.”

Tom for once seems to see his sign to back off, giving Sirius much needed thinking space. What he should do now is pretty unclear - while he wants to leave, he’s afraid Gideon will follow. And Sirius is drunk enough that falling over if he runs is a serious concern - he’s bashed up enough as it is. He doesn’t get a lot further in his line of thought when Gideon resurfaces next to him, sitting down and raising a hand to Tom. Even though the bartender looks apprehensive, he slips two pints over the counter.

“You don’t need to buy me drinks, Gideon. You’re not going to change my mind.” Sirius points out, though he already has his glass between his hands without thinking.  
“It’s fine.” Gideon shrugs. “You seemed set on it… I’ll just do what I can with whatever happens.” The self-pitying tone is sickening to Sirius. He reaches out to grab his phone then excuses himself to the bathroom, needing to clear his head and make some decisions.

The bathroom is a little busy now it’s dinner time and people are coming in after work for pub grub and beers. Sirius has to wait a minute or two to get a stall. He doesn’t think to call James or Remus, even though his previous anger at them has abated. Instead he’s totally lost, feeling himself begin to slip towards panic. The situation is awkward for a start, but there’s something just… off about the whole thing. That Gideon has been waiting for him, stalking him almost - it’s sinister. While his agenda seems pretty innocent in terms of wanting to save his family from further arguments, that he made the jump to try and convince Sirius not to press charges is weird. It’s like he doesn’t realise the gravity of the situation - that Fabian assaulted and threatened to rape Sirius. 

Maybe he doesn’t know exactly what happened? He must know that Fabian assaulted him if he was expecting the bruises… But if he thinks this is a matter that he can meddle with, Gideon might be ill informed. After all, Fabian himself is the one that told him, right? He might have edited it a bit… And Fab was drunk, too, and got totally battered by Remus… The ifs and buts are dizzying and before Sirius knows it, he’s back out of the bathroom and heading towards the bar.

“Gideon.” He bites out, trying to appear kinder than he did before. If the guy doesn’t know the facts, maybe Sirius has a duty to help him out. It’s not fair to leave him blind to what happened - especially since it’s likely to change his opinion on the matter.  
“Yeah?” Gideon pushes the second pint towards Sirius again and signals for him to take a drink. Needing some emboldening, Sirius takes a long pull and squares his shoulders, sitting down.  
“I don’t know what Fabian told you, but maybe I should tell you my version of events. I think it’s… Important that you know. The truth, I mean.”  
“Y’think Fab would lie to me? He’s my brother. We’ve been close our whole life.”  
“I get that. I’m close with my brother too, or I was. But I wouldn’t want him to think any less of me if I did anything… So maybe even I would… Blur out the shittier parts.”  
“I don’t think he would do that.”  
“No, look, I heard you out - now it’s your turn.” Gideon sighs and angles himself more towards Sirius.  
“Fine. Go ahead.”  
“Thanks.”

So Sirius recounts the night from his point of view, right through to getting back to the flat later on that evening and Lily looking after him. He even includes that he’s been on house arrest because of his fear of Fabian coming to look for him. Gideon watches it all with a totally stoic face, the only thing he’s apparently interested in being how much of his pint Sirius is drinking.

“Okay… So…?” Gideon finally adds after Sirius’s conclusion, tilting his head.  
“So, what? Was any of that new to you?”  
“No. I knew that already.” Sirius stares blankly, wondering what exactly this means for his endeavour and where he goes from here.  
“Even the part where he threatened to…”  
“Rape you? Yeah, he told me.” 

Why doesn’t he seem bothered? What’s going on here? If he knew, then why did he think he could defend Fabian from me? Like I started it… Am I missing something?

“Seriously? Fuck’s sake Gideon, then why do you think you can actually ask me to do what you want me to do? He threatened to rape me - do you know how serious that is? As much as it’s a shame that this will hurt your family, it’s not my fault. Fabian did all of this, not me.”  
“But he’s not got any choice about if you go to the police or not - that’s all up to you. That’s what I’m talking about - I’m not saying what he did was your fault. I’m saying that you should do the right thing by my family, now, in the present. What happened can’t be changed, but this - this makes all the difference.”

Seeing red for the umpteenth time tonight, Sirius takes the finishing gulps of his beer and slams the glass onto the table, drawing attention from those around them. Keeping his voice low and scathing, he fixes Gideon with a piercing glare.  
“Well it doesn’t matter what you want. The police already know, Gideon - I told you James was there with me. He was a witness, and he’s a police officer, you fucking prick.”

Without waiting for a reaction, Sirius stands up from the bar and storms out with gritted teeth. He doesn’t look back - doesn’t care what Gideon thinks or if he thinks Sirius is doing ‘the wrong thing’. Who’s he to pass moral judgement on him? Sirius was the fucking victim!   
The anger is so potent that he can’t think straight. He gives in, stilling his agitated strides to fish out his packet of cigarettes and lighter. He’s got the filter between his lips, grunting to himself as he tries blearily to get the lighter to work, when a hand grabs his shoulder and spins him around. Suddenly, he’s face to face with Gideon who looks alarmingly placid.

“I don’t think you know what you’re doing, Sirius. You’re drunk - it’s not safe for you to go out like this. Just come back to the bar with me and we’ll talk this out.”

Everything feels heavy. Sirius, in his mind, is starting to protest already but his body can’t keep up with it. The world blurs a little around the edges as he’s being pulled back the few streets to the bar. Tom watches them intently as they come in, but Sirius isn’t resisting anymore. Gideon angles them carefully so that the vice grip he has on Padfoot’s wrist isn’t visible to the other bar patrons, and instead of sitting up front he pulls them to a booth in the corner. 

All but throwing Sirius down onto his seat, Gideon sits down across from him and sighs, shaking his head.  
“Sirius, I thought you’d get it. Fabian said you’re a really smart guy, that you’re pretty understanding… Said a few drinks would buy you over. But you’re just… Slow tonight.” Sirius growls low in his chest, pulling himself to sit upright only to be hit with a wave of dizziness. The world zeroes in on the two of them and he can’t focus on anything else.  
“Shut up.” He hisses and it slurs more than it should - Sirius can handle his beer better than this and he knows it.  
“No, your turn to listen to me now.” Gideon’s tone is perfectly pleasant, but kept low so the people in the booths around them can’t eavesdrop. Sirius grunts, trying to work out why his limbs feel so impossibly heavy and difficult to move. He suddenly doesn’t understand how he got here - he left the bar, didn’t he?

“I know a few things about you, actually - not just that you’re a whore for anyone with enough money to buy you a drink.” The wince that Sirius makes inside doesn’t compute to his face muscles, which only twitch into a mild grimace for a moment. His hands have started shaking and shifting around him on their own. “I know where you live, for a start - easy, Fabian’s been there. You live there with Remus John Lupin and his son, Teddy.” The mention of Remus breaks Sirius out into a sweat, sensing that something is really wrong here.

“I know your best friend is Potter - you guys were pretty flirty in high school, right? Molly said that there were rumours that you guys were fucking - she told me that ages ago, obviously. She’s much too good to talk about that stuff now.” Gideon’s face is turning into a leer. “It’s true, isn’t it? You were fucking.”

Sirius doesn’t mean for his face to do anything, is thinking again that he has to somehow keep a poker face through this even if he’s feeling anything but level-headed. But it must have done something - cringed, winced, whatever - before he could stop it. Gideon’s face transforms into a look of pure glee that makes him a caricature in the dim pub light. Frankly, it’s terrifying.  
“I knew it. Thanks for confirming that for me. I also know that James is married to Lily Evans now… They have a kid, no? Harry James Potter. I know where they live, too. Bet James never let Lily in on that little secret, hm? James Potter, most popular boy in school, fucking his little faggot friend. Doubt it.”  
“You fucking cunt.” Sirius huffs out, every word mammoth like he’s never spoken before. He’s barely gotten it out before Gideon continues like he never spoke.  
“What else? Oh, of course… I’ve been doing some research on you, too - not just your friends. Your ex boyfriend, he went to prison didn’t he? He beat you, right? Did more than just beat you, I’ve heard… Yeah, I can see it on your face. Used to being beat up, aren’t you? Fabian said sometimes he would say certain things and you’d just… Space out. Took you back? Shame. He didn’t mean it, though - I’ve been trying to tell you that, but you just wouldn’t listen.”  
“Ugh…” Sirius is starting to feel sick already and tries to grip the edge of the table to steady himself on something, anything, but can’t control his hands properly.  
“Well, he’s not in prison anymore, Sirius. He’s back out - and I’ve heard he’d be very interested to see you. Says he really… Misses you. I’ve got his number… And I’ve got yours.” Gideon smirks.

“What… Do you want from me?” Sirius chokes, sagging in his seat miserably. “I told you already-” God, it’s so hard to breathe “the police know.”

“I know. I know the police know, Sirius. That’s why I’m telling you this - it’s not preventative. I’m just explaining what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

It’s not sinking in. Sirius can’t react, even though he wants to. Everything is blurring and he feels tears in his eyes - it’s utterly humiliating and the nausea is rolling over him in waves. He tries to think of something to say - anything really - that could make this better. Words seem utterly impossible, though, and his sight is blurring.

“Tell the police to call off the investigation, Sirius, or I’ll be sending that ex boyfriend to your new address… And I’ll make sure precious Remus and Teddy are in too.”

“Don’t…”

“Sirius?”

Remus stands haloed in the dim overhead light, all curls and frowns. Sirius takes a few seconds to make out his face and first relief pours through him like a hot shower..  
“Ugh... “ He groans, head hitting the table full force - it’s so hard to stay upright.

Gideon’s face has frozen into a polite mask, thinking something along the lines of ‘speak of the devil’. He’d come up with a clever plan, but his hubris has dulled his decision making a little. Before he gets any further, Remus has rounded the table and has his arms hooked under Sirius’s armpits.

“What… have you done to him?” Remus huffs, struggling with Sirius’s limp body to try and get him upright.  
“What did he do to himself?” Gideon counters with a haughty look, moving to stand up from the table.  
“Stay where you are.” 

Sirius regains some semblance of consciousness when Remus half smacks him off the table’s edge, grunting and fluttering his eyes.  
“Wha-?” He manages to ask, straining his neck to see who’s holding him up. When he sees Remus, the first thing he thinks about is Gideon’s threat. That Gideon knows where he - where they - live, where Teddy lives, that Remus and Teddy are in danger. “N-no, Remus, no-” He garbles, struggling to get out of his grip even though there’s no way he can support himself.  
“Shh, Sirius, I’ve got you-”  
“No!” They’ve almost reached the bar’s front door and have gathered plenty of attention from other patrons and bar-staff. “Y’don’t… Stop… Get-off!”

Gideon has followed after them with perfect composure, only just short of studying his nails like this isn’t his fault. Smoothly, he opens the door as Sirius shoves himself away from Remus, falling down out onto the street. At first he lies in a crumpled pile on the tarmac, then he pulls his head up to look groggily at Gideon and Remus with a frown. Remus leans down to pick him up off the floor and he jerks away, scrabbling backwards to put distance between them. The cold air and drizzle have given him just enough sobriety to collect his thoughts and words.

“Rem, don’t touch me - don’t, you can’t - I can’t… We can’t live… T’geth’r, can’t be ‘round you.”

Remus stares down at him, perplexed and hurt. His thoughts disband so that he can’t make sense of what’s happening, hovering over Sirius mid-movement to help him up. Gideon snorts somewhere behind them, obviously observing the show.  
“You heard him - get away. You can leave him to me.”

“What the fuck have you done to him, you sick fuck?” Remus snarls, letting Sirius be for a moment to calm down. Gideon leans back against the wall, lounging there, but when Rem gives him his attention he pushes off and stalks forwards as if to grab Sirius himself.  
“Like I said - what has he done to himself?”  
“Quit it with the smart-arse chat and tell me what you put in his drink!” Gideon takes another measured step in the direction of Sirius and Remus intervenes sharply, shoving the ginger away.  
“Don’t touch me.” Gideon hisses, jerking backwards.

Remus doesn’t realise where he is - doesn’t realise when Gideon rounds on him how close he is to the wall of the pub behind him. Sirius has got himself onto his hands and knees, head lolling down between his shoulders weakly.  
“I’ll do what I have to to keep you away from him. He’s not your fucking property, or your cunt of a brother’s.”

Gideon’s fist connects with his cheekbone squarely then collides into his nose with such force it immediately spurts blood. Remus hears a hard thud somewhere in the back of his mind, but nothing else - just crumples down onto the ground.

Sirius has only just got himself onto his feet, swaying violently with his head still down. His hair is crawling over his eyes, his head throbbing and a sickening feeling curdling in his stomach. He looks up, but not far - he sees Remus collapsed just three foot away. The nausea culminates violently and suddenly as Sirius starts to vomit everywhere. It spills down his front over his clothes, onto the pavement with wet slaps and then sprays all over Remus and Gideon too for good measure.

The look on Gideon’s face is one of pure disgust and horror, his hands coming up protectively to shield his face. It’s too late for his clothes, though - they’re coated in a fine layer of sick from the collar of his shirt to the waistband of his jeans. Even his shoes - patent leather - haven’t been spared from the lashes of sick.  
“What the f- eugh, jesus christ, shit!” Gideon’s yelps morph into outraged shrieks. He quickly starts to run away from Sirius and Remus, skin turning green at the stench of the sick covering him.

Padfoot doesn’t watch him go, though. He’s too busy dropping to his knees next to now mostly-conscious Remus who is blearily assessing the state of his clothes. He has a young son - being thrown up on isn’t really new to him.  
“What…. Where is he?” Rem asks, trying to sit up properly with his hand cradling the back of his head where it hit the wall - it comes away red. Sirius doesn’t reply, pulling his coat off and trying to mop at Moony’s front.

“Rem… Y’keep following me - this always happens. M’gonna move out. N’don’t follow me.” Sirius hiccups out before keeling over to the side to vomit again, making sure to avoid Remus this time. When he sits back up, he wipes the back of his hand over his mouth. Remus is staring at him with groggy eyes, watching Sirius feel for his phone then realising it’s gone. “Where’s y’r phone?” He grunts, crawling forward to feel at Remus’s pockets. He doesn’t need to worry himself with where his phone has gone right now - he needs to call James.

“Remus? You found him?” James’s voice is another spike through Sirius’s skull and his low gurgle is testament to that. He clears his throat of phlegm, only making him acutely aware that vomiting has made it rough and sore.  
“S’me.” He huffs into the phone, holding back his cough with as much dignity as he can - his eyes water and he thinks he might pass out again.  
“Y- Sirius?! Where are you? Where’s Remus?”  
“Shhh…” He groans, palming his hair back from his face and wincing when a trail of sick is slicked over his cheekbone. “Pub - Rem’s out. ‘Mean, not now but… Was.” He grunts, falling from his knees onto his backside ungracefully.  
“I’m coming.” And then the line disconnects.

Sirius can’t remember exactly everything that happened. All he knows is that he’s craving a smoke, that his head is spinning, that he thinks he might vomit again. Remus sits next to him like a corpse propped against the wall as Padfoot fumbles to light a cigarette he likely won’t be able to finish. Just out of habit. Out of the need to do something when he’s already so ineffective, so useless - so damning, for some reason. Why does he need to move out, again? He knows there’s a reason - he needs to tell James… Remus just couldn’t understand.

And looking at Moony then, through a haze of smoke that will likely wreak havoc on his lungs, Sirius starts crying. Or more hiccuping and struggling to breathe, more so than before. Because he doesn’t know why everything has to go wrong. Because he wants Remus, wants him not in the way you want a piece of clothing or crave food. Wants him permanently, has for too long. Since he saw Remus as someone he was allowed to desire for the first time, not something inexplicably off limits. Wants him like he wants to see tomorrow - needs him. And because Sirius can only attract bad luck, trouble, ‘bad characters’, because he was born into a family of them, because he is made of them and only escaped them by forcing himself on better people… He can’t have Remus. Remus is the thing that Sirius’s dreams are made of, made of safety, warmth, of being cared for, for once, as more than a friend. And Sirius is made of neuroticism and ugliness and addictive, reckless behaviour all wrapped up in a pretty face.

Remus deserves someone good, someone kind and worthy. And Sirius can’t be that. 

All of this happens silently, around silent sobs and muted throwing up and desperate pulls on his cigarette. Remus watches with those groggy eyes that just read that he’s broken, that he’s confused, that he’s hurt.

“Give me one.” He demands, and Sirius hasn’t heard Remus say that since they were in their early 20s, in university, hiding out on the flat’s rooftop ‘terrace’ - if you could call a the resting place of a dozen dead pigeons that. After Lily and James had a big fight about something or other. When anyone who came into a room with them was fair game to be torn apart and Sirius ordered Remus out of there because he’s always had that protective urge around him - the urge to hide him away from the bad things in life. Like Sirius isn’t faulty, corrupted.

Remus lights his own cigarette. Sirius throws up again. They smoke together, more or less, but they’re in separate places in their heads. Or maybe it’s the same place - neither of them are going to talk about it.

James pulls up some ten minutes later with Sirius’s failed cigarette somewhere to his left and Remus to his right, long finished his but started on another. Prongs gives Moony a look, disapproving. He’s long given up on Sirius as a lost case, seeing as he’s been smoking since he looked old enough to blag packets off local shop-keepers. But for Remus... 

It’s not relevant right now.

What’s relevant is getting Remus and Sirius into the car, since he seems to be the only one steady on his feet. James maneuvers them with the kind of stealth you only get from practice, practice on the police force and practice from carting these drunk friends home when he’s drunk, too.

Remus is more or less competent at walking after the initial swaying and one stumble. He pulls himself into the back seat because the windows there don’t roll down and Sirius is still vomiting frequently. Apart from a quick pat on the back in thanks, Remus says nothing to James. Sirius is harder to get onto his feet, like all his bones are putty. James wants to be annoyed at him - always does, when Sirius pulls shit like this. But as always, he can’t muster anything other than worry and protectiveness.

They drive with the windows down so that Sirius can lean out whenever and be sick. The motions of the car make his dizziness worse and if he was capable of much emotion other than sheer hopelessness, he might feel a bit guilty that James is going to have to wash this off. The things people do for him… It only makes him feel worse.

Pulling up outside Sirius and Remus’s flat brings whatever Padfoot couldn’t access in his brain before back into sharp focus. He can’t go in there - it’s not safe for anyone.

“James.” He groans, head almost hitting the dash with James’s jerky braking style. Every stop feels like an emergency one. “Can’t go in there… Teddy... “ He gestures to his sick-sodden get up, his pallid face. If he could gesture to his stench and his likelihood to have a panic attack then he would. “Need to talk t’you.”

Prongs stares at him long and hard, weighing up his options. His grip on the steering wheel is like a vice, turning his knuckles blue-white in the weak moonlight filtering around the tall buildings. Then he sighs, releases some of the tension in his body and reaches for his phone.

“Lily? I’m outside… Sirius got roofie’d. Yeah, I know… Look, he’s fucked up. He can’t come up there with the kids, he’s… Disgusting. Yeah, being sick. No, I dunno… I don’t think he needs anything medical. Just water, sleep I guess. It’s bad, yeah…. Yeah.” 

There’s a long silence from James as he listens, kneading his temples then the bridge of his nose. Then he sighs.

“Yeah. Thanks, Lils… Remus is here - I’ll bring him up. He’s got concussion, I think - maybe a broken nose. Dunno.” Even Sirius can hear the burst of outrage on the other side of the line. “No, it wasn’t Sirius.” James laughs. “Sirius wouldn’t lay a finger. Y’know that. Okay, see ya’ in a mo. I love you.”

It’s an eternity until James comes back out to the car. His face is more severe than it had been when he’d left and Sirius wonders if he’s going to be getting a lecture. His head throbs at the thought and he moves to put it back out the window.  
The sickness subsides as the engine starts to purr. Sirius rubs his eyes hard with the heels of his hands and looks at his best friend, the first person he ever actually felt loved by.  
“Sirius…” James sighs, leaning his forehead against the wheel for a second before pulling himself together and getting ready to drive. “Back to mine?”  
“Yeah.”

Sirius spends the first hour at the Potter household filling the toilet with sick. Somehow the stuffy, claustrophobic feeling of being back indoors is flooring him. James sits next to him, wedged between the toilet bowl and the wall with his knees up to his chest and his glasses off. He pats Sirius’s back and brushes his hair out of his face, all the while just watching.

“James.” Padfoot whines, clawing for purchase at the toilet seat as he starts to vomit again. James winces and runs his hand over Sirius’s back, still partially in the dark about what happened.  
“I’m here. Do you want water?” He offers, feeling somewhat useless curled up in here while his friend empties his guts into the toilet.  
“No.” He gasps between retches.  
“Just get it out of your system, Pads. You’re gonna be fine - then we’ll talk.”

Probably half an hour after that, there’s nothing left to come up and Sirius is splayed out on the bathroom tile naked apart from his boxers. James brings him one of his t-shirts which is inevitably too big on his whippet-thin best friend. As gangly as Prongs used to be in high school, police training has broadened him out a fair bit. Sirius looks like a fragile bird curled up in the huge tee, shivering with his hair, sink washed haphazardly, in total disarray. Pursing his lips, James grunts as he lifts Padfoot up. Whatever needs to be said can be said in bed - and if Sirius wants to sleep first, that’s fine.

“Okay?” James checks after covering Padfoot in the duvet.  
“Mhm. Thanks.” Sirius smiles weakly, glad to have his mouth tasting of mint instead of beer or sick or cigarette smoke.  
“Do you wanna talk?” There’s no use trying to force anything out of Padfoot if he isn’t ready, so he doesn’t push. He lies on his side, propped up on his elbow, and watches.  
“Yeah.”

“I went to the pub - I needed space… Couldn’t get out of my own head. Was just going to have some banter with Tom, nothing much, then come back. This guy comes in, I thought it was Fabian. Turns out it’s Gideon, his twin. He really…. He seemed fine. The other day, Molly came over to me in Hamleys to say how sorry she was about everything. I thought it might be something like that, but he was too awkward at the start maybe.”

James listens with his brow furrowed, categorising all the useful details like he’s taking Sirius’s statement.

“Then I realised there was a reason he’d come to the same bar. Tom said he’d been there every day for a while, asking for me… Knew he would find me there, or hoped he would. He kept buying me drinks, just talking to me. By that time, I knew I should’ve been getting back anyway - you and Remus had blew up my phone… But… I don’t know if you saw what Lily text me.”

There’s a long silence between them as James picks his brains. So much had been going on tonight with trying to find Sirius, with calming Remus down out of a near panic attack, with driving out to find them...   
“She didn’t say she texted.” He sighs, shifting to sit up.  
“I’d show you, but my phone’s gone. She was going at me for being selfish or something. Said I should start thinking about other people for once.”

James just quirks an eyebrow momentarily, crossing his arms over his chest. Sirius catches on to the lack of defense and heaves himself into a slumped sitting position against the headboard, glaring.  
“What, you think she’s right?”  
“I didn’t say that, Sirius.”  
“Answer the question.”  
“Look, I’m not calling you selfish. But some warning couldn’t hurt, could it? I mean, you do this so much. Just up and leave, do what you want - people care about you, Sirius.”  
“But caring doesn’t mean you have to keep me under lock and key. I’m a fucking adult, James, I hate that you’re all keeping tabs on me.”  
“We’ve not been keeping tabs on you. You live with Remus - he’s bound to know what’s going on. And after what happened, can you blame us for being worried?”

“I’m not blaming anyone, James.” Sirius is spitting venom. “But I’m getting crucified over the phone for going out on my own like I’m 12, like I’m living with my parents or that fucking fuck and you’re backing Lily up for it?”  
“She’s my wife, Sirius, of course I’m-”  
“It’s not about her being your wife! It’s always been like this! Doesn’t matter how well you know my situation and how these things make me feel, Lily’s right, got to be. She’s not fucking infallible, James! I used to be able to get some time with you where she wasn’t in the centre of your mind, but that must be over a fucking decade ago. How many minutes a day do you not think of her?”  
“Sirius, if you’re getting jealous over Lily it’s not the fucking time. She’s my wife. I love her. I loved her then - I was young and stupid and obsessive maybe, but now I’m in a healthy relationship with her and I’m happy about it-”

“Healthy? Healthy isn’t always taking your partner’s side because you’re scared to stand up to them. Because you view her like some god, like she’s never wrong. And if I have a different opinion, then there’s no question that I’m wrong. I hate being pushed under the carpet so much, like I’m going to get someone in bloody trouble!”

“Shoved under the carpet? So you being my best friend after all these years, being the person I always talk to, is shoving you under the carpet?”  
“You don’t have to ignore me all the time to keep me out of sight when it’s not a good time. You’ve been hiding me in lots of ways since we were teenagers -”   
“You’re not seriously bringing that up.”  
“I’m bringing it up. It’s a well known fact I’m unlucky with my relationships. Just so happens not everyone knows you’re on that list, too - and yeah, I’d say the whole thing was pretty unlucky.”

“How is that relevant to anything? You’re not in love with me now.”  
“No - thank god. But what if it causes trouble, James? Not just between us. I mean, you didn’t tell anyone, did you?”  
“Who was I supposed to mention it to?! Sirius, you can’t honestly expect me to-”  
“To tell Lily? What, you think she wouldn’t want you to see me anymore?”  
“That’s fucking stupid, it was over ten years ago and she’s your friend, too.”  
“Friends don’t call you a selfish cunt for needing space.”  
“Maybe they do. Maybe they call you out when you’re not being reasonable, Sirius. Maybe that’s how they show that they care - maybe they want you to grow and be a better person.”  
“Fuck you, James.”  
“Stop trying to end the conversation whenever you’ve realised you’re wrong.”

“Fine.” Sirius sits up sharply, sending his head spinning. “I’m wrong - as usual. But have you ever considered I’m just not a person who can get better? Not everyone is a golden boy like you - I’ve never been like you. Maybe I’m just selfish and shit and might always be that way.”  
“Sirius…” James is taken off guard by the change of tact and it shows. Sirius’s eyes are narrowed in a glare but it’s apparent that he’s scared. Again, James is hit by the realisation that his enigmatic, force of nature best friend is fragile. Seeing him like this makes James scared, too.

Prongs doesn’t know what to say, so he pulls Sirius into a bear hug. He hates how easily he gets into fighting with Padfoot - he knows he should have been calmer, considering most of what Sirius said probably came from fear after what happened.

“I need to move out.” Sirius finally mumbles, too tired to move from the hug. “I can’t live with Remus and Teddy anymore.”

It comes as a surprise, to say the least. James pulls his chin back to look at his best friend better.  
“Why?”  
“Gideon… He knows the address. He says he’ll hurt them if I don’t drop the case against Fabian. That’s why he did all this - drugged me, hit Remus… He says if Fabian goes to prison, his whole family will fall apart. He called me… Selfish.” Sirius sighs, pulling away from Prongs.  
“Fuck… Sirius, that’s… Heavy.”  
“Yeah.” Padfoot tips his head back to lean it against the wall. James stares at him.  
“I don’t know what else to do.”

They don’t say much for a long time. They relocate to the sofa to drink smoothies and sit with their legs tangled in each other’s.  
“James… I’m sorry I said all that about loving you.”  
“S’okay. I guess I was a bit of a prick at the time.”  
“Maybe.” Sirius shrugs, stirring his smoothie with his finger. “I’ve never managed to ask you, but… Did you even like me like that?” James clears his throat awkwardly.  
“Yeah, Pads.” Sirius smirks.  
“‘Course you did. How could you not?” James barks out a laugh and shakes his head.  
“Exactly. Not exactly a fair match.”  
“Says you, Mr. I-Love-Gingers.”  
“Psht.”

“And I’m sorry I doubted Lily. She’s my friend. I don’t want to make things difficult for you.”  
“Well, you manage it anyhows.” James grins, slurping up his strangely textured drink.  
“Sorry.”  
“I’m joking, Padfoot.”  
“Nah, not like I’m actually sorry. I can’t help it if I’m so gorgeous you keep tripping on me.” He winks for good effect, getting him a kick to the calf. “Don’t worry, babe - I won’t tell the missus.”  
“She wouldn’t believe you, anyway - you’re a mess. Hot mess, maybe, but a mess. I’m too well put together.”  
“Ah, the well rounded man… As in, the shape of his head thanks to his inflated ego.”  
“Says you, Megamind.”  
“Says you, ‘Hey Evans, you decided to date me yet? ‘Cuz it’s gonna happen sooner or later.’”  
“Well, was I wrong?”  
“It’s probably Stockholm Syndrome.”  
“Fucker.”

-

Remus goes to sleep when he gets in. Lily takes him to his room and tries to ask questions, but he just shakes his head.  
“Give me a couple hours, Lils.”

Lily spends the two hours fussing around the house. Teddy and Harry have already been put to bed thankfully, because Teddy seeing his dad with yet more bruises wouldn’t be ideal. Not that it’s likely to be avoidable come tomorrow, but there’s some comfort in putting off the inevitable. While Lils is an avid fan of sleeping, especially well into the morning, she’s bristling with anxiety about what the hell is going on. There haven’t been any more updates from James so she has no idea how Sirius is doing. Remus won’t even talk to her about it right now… She groans and kneads at her temples with shaky hands, going to make another cup of tea.

It’s 4 in the morning when Remus’s two hours are up. While the compassionate part of Lily (which is largely predominant) knows she shouldn’t hold him to his lax statement of a couple hours and wake him up right now, she can’t help it. Her nerves are through the roof.  
“Rem… Remus, wake up.” She climbs into the bed next to him and glad that she put Teddy and Harry up in Sirius’s room.

Remus has never been good at waking up and god, Lily knows it. She’s lacking patience amongst other things right now, though, so she doesn’t let him come-to in any gentle fashion. Giving him a good shove, she settles herself cross legged on what seems to have become Sirius’s side of the bed.

Moony grunts, groans and tries to roll away from her but flinches when he pushes his bruised head against the pillow too hard. Seeing her opening, Lily starts trying to haul him into a sitting position.  
“Remus, c’mon, you need to wake up.”  
“Time’s it?” He groans, pushing his hair out of his eyes.  
“4… am.”  
“Lily, are you joking me?” Remus gives her his best glare which might’ve been more convincing if he wasn’t still half asleep.  
“No. Remus, I’m freaking out - can you just tell me what’s going on? Then I’ll let you sleep. Promise.”  
“Promises, promises…” Remus grumbles, sitting up properly now and trying to mentally prepare himself for this.

“I don’t know much of what happened before I got there.” His voice is sleep-slurred, but Lily is sitting close enough that she can make out what he’s saying. “Sirius was at the pub we used to frequent. He’d obviously been drugged. He was with Fabian’s twin, I think? It didn’t look exactly like Fabian.” Lily’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline, her hands automatically curling into fists around the duvet. “I’m guessing he did it. I got Sirius up out his seat and started trying to get him out into the fresh air, but he kept struggling. Kept saying ‘stop touching me’ and stuff… I tried not to get upset about it.” 

“Then Sirius pushes himself off me and falls out the door. Won’t let me go near him, tells me he doesn’t want to be near me… I don’t remember. Asked the twin what he’d done to him, and he was being a smart-arse like ‘what’s he done to himself?’ Then tries to grab Sirius. I just shoved him away - I wasn’t even like, violent. But the guy fucking hooked me in the face. Knocked me out cold a minute.”  
“Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is wrong with those guys-”  
“Dunno. Guess after that, Sirius vomited because when I came to a minute later I was covered in sick and the guy was gone. I don’t know what I’ve done, Lily… But Sirius says he wants to move out. Says he can’t be around me anymore.”

Lily’s face goes blank, no trace of her previous anger - this, in itself, is far more dangerous and Remus knows it. He bites his lip.  
“Is this about before we went out?” She asks, voice carefully measured. Remus shrugs.  
“Before we went out, he was going off at me about feeling like he’s under ‘constant observation’ or whatever. Told me to leave him alone.”  
“Right.”  
“It’s just… Lily, if Sirius moves out I can’t afford rent. I know Tonks can take Teddy for a while, he’s got money for childcare when he’s on shift, but... I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I couldn’t bring myself to stay with Tonks, I don’t think, or with you guys… I couldn’t infringe on anyone else. But Teddy needs me and I need him. I don’t want to be away from him. And if Sirius goes, I’d have to let Tonks take him.” 

Lily bites the inside of her cheek to keep from bursting out into a string of curses. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.  
“Get some sleep, Remus. It’s all what-ifs right now. I’m sure we’ll resolve it all, okay? It’s gonna be alright.”

Remus looks doubtful, but he’s tired so he lies back down and Lily puts the covers over him with tight lips. She works hard to hide the outright rage in her eyes as she leaves the room as quietly as possible, won’t let herself stomp or storm. But her mind is in uproar at Sirius Orion Black, the selfish fuck. Why would he ever threaten to do that to Remus, to leave him high and dry like that? It doesn’t matter why - it’s unspeakable. If there’s some problem between Sirius and Remus that she doesn’t know about - unlikely, for a start - then they can move to different places, obviously. But it can’t be a split decision. It has to involve both of them.

Her hands grab Sirius’s car keys before she really decides what she’s doing and she has one of Remus’s jumpers and her scuffed up Toms on in moments. Pulling her hair into a ponytail - which for Lily, shows she means business - she makes her way out to the parking and unlocks the car. She doesn’t like driving, but this is important.

“James, I’m coming ‘round.” She bites out down car bluetooth.  
“Everything alright?”  
“Uh-huh. Remus is sleeping, so are the kids.”  
“Wait… Are you driving?”  
“Shh! Is Sirius there?”  
“He’s asleep.”  
“Then yes, I’m driving.”  
“Driving Sirius’s car.”  
“Yes.”  
“That’s a terrible idea! I could’ve picked you up.”  
“But then you would’ve asked me why and then you wouldn’t come and get me.”  
“And why’s that?”  
“Because Sirius is your precious baby.”  
“Bit harsh - where’d that come from?”  
“He’s not infallible, James, that’s all I’m saying.” She snaps, tightening her grip on the steering wheel and cussing out a driver that cuts in front of her.  
“Funny you should say that.”  
“I’ll see you soon.” She grits out then ends the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Been a little while, so I thought I'd tag on some notes here at the end :) We've been at this fic for a while now and there's been a LOT going on! I realise I can be pretty drama-heavy as a writer... I feel bad for Sirius 'cuz he always gets the hard end of the stick with that.
> 
> A lot of the plot has been focusing on Sirius recently, but don't worry. Remus is going to be getting more limelight soon. While a lot of the conflicts have been surrounding them separately - how they view each other as people for example - their relationship will be getting a harder look-at in the coming chapters... 
> 
> I've been trying to incorporate a little more of James and Lily because they're absolutely lovely and I hate to use them like afterthought plot tools. Their characters, including their back stories separately and in their relationship are pretty key to the story as a whole. Let me know what you think about their part in the fic as a whole, if you like! Plus, I hope you don't mind my addition of past friends-with-benefits James and Sirius. It's not going to be a heavy theme throughout, but it definitely has some gravity on their friendship - as you can see in the chapter, it's got some bearing on their development as friends!
> 
> And lastly, thanks to all of you who have been reading this from early on! I absolutely love reading your comments and I'm always interested to hear your take on the plot and characterisation - I can always use some improvement! I will always try and get back to you in the comments. While I know that chapters can sometimes be a long time coming, I have no intention of giving this fic up so don't worry about that!
> 
> Also keep an eye out for other fics coming up on my profile. There's more Wolfstar on the way, plus some other pairings are going to get a look in too so I can keep on diversifying my writing! 
> 
> Love love love x


	14. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of sleep deprived angry character development.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for: past abuse/abusive relationships/domestic abuse, mentions of use of rohypnol (date rape drug), body dysmorphia, misgendering. If I've missed any, let me know in the comments and I'll add!

Lily pulls up near her little house and puts the car into neutral. As she takes the key out of the ignition she fingers the excessive number of keychains and bites her lip. Is she really going to do this?

The drive was pretty quiet by London standards, luckily. It gave her the chance to reason with her anger, letting some of it fade out. In all fairness, it’s hard to maintain a proper rage when you’re concentrating on not wrecking your friend’s beloved car. She’d like to say she’s calm and that she intends to go in there for a level headed conversation with her best friend and husband. Ideally she won’t even raise her voice or angry-cry.

Thinking of Remus’s hurt expression is like a weight on her shoulders. It’s undeniable that Sirius did that - it’s his fault. So many times before, Remus has had that look because of Sirius - even if Rem refused to admit it. It would be sheer cruelty if Sirius knew Remus’s true feelings.

Lily’s anger comes back in full force, so much so that she barely remembers to lock the car behind her. She reaches the front door in record time. Normally she would worry about their neighbours hearing the altercation - the Potter house is sandwiched between two other red brick buildings - but not today. Lily frankly couldn’t care less this morning.

Locking the door behind her, Lily pauses on the doormat and cracks her knuckles, takes a deep breath then goes into the living room.

James is facing away from her on the sofa, dozing off. His laptop is balanced precariously on his knees. Lily sees the screen display and feels her shoulders tense.

“Seriously, James? Rightmove? Zoopla? What the fuck are you two playing at?” Lily hasn’t been this furious in some time, towering over her husband. James looks up at her with a sigh and rubs his eyes, which knocks his glasses askew. Normally that would be adorable, but right now it just aggravates her even more.  
“You don’t get it - let me explain.”  
“You’re right, I don’t get it. Where’s Sirius?” James makes to stand up but she doesn’t let him, standing too much in his way.  
“Don’t, Lils - he’s sleeping. Just let him rest, I can tell you everything.”

Lily is half way up the stairs before James has finished his sentence and he follows quickly behind. Having broken her own rule of not wearing shoes on the upstairs carpet, she definitely means business. Sirius is asleep in hers and James’s bed and Lily can see he’s been through a lot. He’s incredibly pale with dark bags under his eyes, but that doesn’t mean she’ll lay off him.

Lily does falter for a moment, feeling almost guilty. Then she remembers Remus back at the flat, worrying he won’t be able to look after Teddy anymore - all the warmth she has for Sirius is strangled. It doesn’t matter that they’re best friends until this is fixed.  
“Sirius Black, wake the fuck up.” Not a good start, seeing as she’s already shouting. James winces from the doorway but doesn’t try to intervene. Sirius jerks awake and looks up at Lily blearily, moving into a sitting position.  
“Uh… I’m awake.” He offers, kind of intimidated because this isn’t a pleasant wake up call. His head is throbbing.

“Good. So, fancy telling me what the fuck you think you’re doing, Sirius? Heard you’re going to move out. Great. Do you ever actually think of anyone else or do you consider yourself to be like the sun with everyone else just, what, orbiting you totally mindlessly?”  
“What d-”  
“Is there an end-game to upsetting everyone or is it just a happy coincidence?”  
“Lily.” James warns as he steps into the room, but Lily holds up a hand to stop him. She takes an extra step away from him just to show that she doesn’t want to be messed with.  
“I dunno what you’re talking about. I’ve literally just woken up.”  
“You know what you did, or you wouldn’t be hiding here. You know you upset Remus, and-”  
“Oh, wait up. I get it. This is a lecture on behalf of Remus John Lupin, huh? Because he never gets anything wrong, right?” Sirius’s tone is acidic, his eyebrows knitting together as everything becomes clear.  
“It’s not on his behalf, Sirius. I came here by myself.”  
“Right, so better yet, you’re just sticking your nose into everyone else’s business when it isn’t wanted.”

Lily’s face falls, taken off guard by the insult. Ever since high school she’s been sensitive about being called bossy or nosy because it was always the first insult out of anyone’s mouth. She’s so taken aback that she doesn’t say anything for a long time, watching Sirius climb out of bed on the opposite side, standing as far back of it as he can like a defense mechanism. It reawakens her anger just when it looked like the argument might cool off.

“Not wanted, yeah? Remus is my best friend Sirius, and he’s upset. But as you well know he’s not exactly going to come out here and argue with you himself. You’ve never been shy about butting in on mine and James’s relationship, either.”  
“Lily!” James snaps, seeing his cue to enter the conversation. These two can argue for hours because of their fractious personalities and he’d rather not put up with that right now. Lily glowers at her husband, taking on a defensive stance with her arms crossed over her chest. “I know you’re mad, Lils, but this isn’t helping. It’s basically unrelated.”  
“Well, precious Sirius brought it up, so how am I doing something wrong?” She bristles, still insecure over the earlier insult. In truth it might be the main fuel for her to keep arguing right now, because she’s typically more mature than allowing herself to be reduced to a shouting match.

It seems like Lily’s jibes are really grating on Sirius, though, who straightens up sharply like he’s finally had enough. As much as he cares about her, he’s tired of being made to be the bad guy.  
“Maybe I brought it up because I’ve had a rough night and I’m sick of you getting up in my face. I don’t even know what I did wrong and I’m getting called selfish, thoughtless, treated like a right prick. Because I’m obviously so entitled and have everything I want, right?”  
James brings his fingers to his temples reflexively, his glare jumping between his wife and best friend.  
“Stop this right now. You’re both being ridiculous and you know it - we’re not in bloody high school anymore.” James isn’t one to raise his voice, a trait cultivated over many years as he matured. So that it’s creeping up in volume now is a clear warning that he won’t put up with this any longer. Lily and Sirius glower back at him then turn away like they might start up again. “I’m not fucking around. Stop, or I’m leaving right now. It’s 5:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept. This is just bloody immature.”

At first, Lily’s mouth pops into a little ‘o’ of shock. She’s always prided herself on her maturity, though she’s self aware enough to know she’s hot headed. But immature - that’s a call-out that hits home. Before she gets far enough to protest, her guilt creeps up on her and overpowers the last of her anger. Her shoulders slump and her chin dips slightly, glancing to James with pursed lips.  
“James…” She starts to complain but gives in, having to rub tears from her eyes. God, she hates crying. “I’m… Look, I’m sorry, I got ahead of myself. I just feel totally left out of the loop recently, so much is happening and I’m getting left home with the kids. I feel useless, no one tells me anything and I can’t even help… Do you know how that feels?” Her voice cracks multiple times as she tries to hold back sobs, desperately trying to save face. James sighs and pushes his glasses up into his hair for now, out of the way.

He wants to still be mad at the two of them, of course. Lily should have listened to him, for a start, and Sirius shouldn’t have taken her bait. But looking at his wife now, he feels guilty because maybe he really hasn’t been great with this. Always getting left out of the loop, looking after Harry and Teddy without a clue if the rest of them are safe… Considering James was the one to tell Sirius Lily is his best friend, that she cares deeply about him, it’s no wonder she’s in such a state. As fast as his frustration came over him it trickles away, leaving Sirius looking between them skittishly, still poised to argue.

“Sirius, I’m sorry. I was headstrong. And it wasn’t the right way to go about it.” Lily turns to Sirius begrudgingly, obviously still annoyed but guilty enough to force herself to apologise. It even sounds pretty sincere.  
“I… Well, I don’t know if it’s all that unreasonable to be angry with me… I just think we should talk about it first. Before we blow up at each other, I mean.” Sirius sounds meek, looking down at the floor rather than at either of his friends.  
“C’mon. I’ll make tea and we can sit down, then talk about it. Take a breather - Sirius, you can go smoke if you like.” James intervenes, gently this time because he wants to keep things going in the right direction. Sometimes that he can be as mature as this comes as a surprise, but at least it’s a welcome one.

Sirius isn’t feeling well enough to smoke and his stomach is reeling even at the thought of tea. James is in the kitchen making it which means he and Lily are left to meander by the dining table awkwardly, trying not to make eye contact. Neither of them really know what to say, but they aren’t ready to let their guard down. James swoops in with a tray of tea and biscuits and immediately the tension starts to loosen - he’s always had that effect on people.  
“Okay.” James sighs and grabs himself a coaster, taking a seat at the head of the table. The other two sit either side. “Don’t shout, thanks. We have neighbours.” Lily rolls her eyes dismissively and reaches for the biscuits.

“Lily, you start?” Sirius asks it like it’s a peace offering while he stirs his tea. As far as Lily’s concerned, it’s just to put off his part in all of this.  
“What d’you want me to say?” She forces herself to swallow a half chewed biscuit for etiquette. “Likesay, I’ve been holed up in the house the whole of this. Dunno what actually happened, either. Just… Stay at home, look after the kids, Lily! God, I’m not a bloody housewife. It’s a bit archaic, guys - wife stays home, men go out and bash folk up. Tch.” She spins her mug around the hold the handle in her preferred hand. James and Sirius wince and look away.  
“Uh, yeah… Maybe not so good.” James agrees and ducks his head. Sirius sighs and forces himself to make eye contact at last.

“I’m sorry we’ve been leaving you out of the loop. I’ve been stuck in my own head, I guess, with everything going on… I guess you’d think that’s typical of me.” He grouses and Lily pulls a face.  
“I said sorry.” She internally groans, having already had to swallow her pride to apologise in the first place.  
“Yeah. It’s just that you always say I’m inconsiderate and stuff, especially if it’s to do with Rem. I just… Don’t get why you’re so protective.” Sirius forces any venom out of his voice, trying to keep this a neutral conversation and not let it spiral into an argument.  
“Me and Rem are always like that; I just want to look out for him.” Lily flushes a little, sighing.  
“He’s a grown man!”  
“Sirius.” James warns, face twitching to convey his annoyance. But Lily’s already riled.  
“You’re a grown man too and you’re pissed off because I’m sticking up for your friend.You don’t mind if anyone’s sticking up for you and if I try and say a word against you, one of them’s telling me I’m wrong. But you wouldn’t raise a finger against that, would you?”

Sirius grimaces and tries to take a drink of his tea, only succeeding in burning his mouth. Sucking in a breath to soothe his burned tongue, he groans and drops his head into his hands.  
“I’m not trying to be… Ungrateful.” Lily cocks an eyebrow, making him want to lash out. Managing to reign that impulse in for now, he grits his teeth and works on finishing his reply. “I hate it when you guys act like I’m so… Shit to Remus all the time. He’s my best friend and everyone acts like I’m awful to him.”  
“Sirius, sometimes you are awful to him.” Lily snaps, tired of the self pity gambit she’s being served. There’s so much to be cleared up here and they’re just welling in their misery.  
“I thought the reasons were pretty obvious, but since they’re not I’ll spell it out. I find it pretty fucking difficult being told I’m some sort of abusive prick to my best friend. Maybe me and Rem have had disagreements, rough patches, but we live together - who hasn’t? We work them out and neither of us bloody abuse each other.”

Lily gulps, suddenly neck deep in a particularly sensitive subject. It makes her take a hard look at herself, wondering how she overstepped.  
“I didn’t mean that.” She protests, face darkening as she struggles to wrap her head around this while so sleep deprived.  
“Maybe not outright, but the message I get is that I’m toxic, that I should get cut out. If that’s the case, tell Remus to do it.”  
“I’ll never do that.” Lily snaps, unable to hear this right now. She leans forward sharply, jaw locked. Sirius just shrugs and looks down into the vortex he’s created in his tea.  
“Then I don’t get it.”

“I don’t think anyone was suggesting abuse, Sirius, though I get why it comes across that way. Neither of us are trying to say how you and Rem’s relationship should work. We’re just worried about you and care about you a lot.” James steps in, trying to sound appeasing. It just aggravates Sirius more though he hates that it does because he can tell they have his best interests at heart.  
“Then why d’you always jump to Rem’s defense first?” He counters.  
“Sirius, it’s not ‘always’.” Lily’s weariness is finally getting the better of her - she doesn’t want to argue anymore. “It’s right now. And if there’s nothing to be sorry for, why’re you so defensive?”

James is mid-drink and pauses sharply as he expects Lily’s condescending tone to only set Sirius off in a rage. Instead, it seems to make him pause, finally not saying anything right away. Then, after a moment, he slumps down in his seat and bites his lip.  
“I… I don’t know.” Whatever he was going to say, he’s lost it now - his mouth opens and closes a few times as if to go on, but he can’t get anything out. He tangles his fingers into his hair and sags even further.

“Sirius, I’m sorry that I made you think that I thought… That. But it’s really not what I was getting at. My problem is that you keep saying Remus should cut you out and stuff but you know he can’t do that. He needs you and Teddy needs you - he’d keep you around even just for Teddy’s sake, even if he could afford to look after him alone. That’s what I don’t get - you know this. Remus depends on you because he can’t work right now when he’s being a full time parent. You signed up for that arrangement yourself and I know you’ve got your own life but you can’t make split decisions like that. It’d leave Remus without means to look after his kid and Teddy would lose yet another parent.”

Sirius looks crestfallen, unable to look at either Lily or James because of the weight of his shame. James is between agreeing with his wife and trying to protect his best friend. Lily’s resolve is solid, her hands tight around her mug - she’s nervous but she won’t back down. Cruel to be kind, Lily, she reminds herself, bracing for whatever Sirius may come back with.

“I didn’t think it was safe to stay with him.” Sirius breaks the silence so abruptly that both Potters jump. His gaze is locked to the table. “So I was stupid to go out on my own, yeah, but what happened… You can’t exactly anticipate it.”  
“Well, it’d help if someone would actually tell me what happened.” Lily’s exasperation is starting to get the better of her, her ability to decipher anything from these cryptic statements severely low. James touches her arm gently to settle her and she lets out a pent up breath apologetically.  
“I’m going to tell you.” Sirius snaps. Lily doesn’t bite back this time for her husband’s sake.

Padfoot carefully details everything that happened to avoid the parts about his and James’s past relationship - if you could really call it that. He’d like to tell her because hiding it seems wrong, but without James’s agreement he won’t reveal anything. Some of the night’s incidents are difficult to explain because of his inebriated state at the time, but he manages to stumble through it. By the end he’s talking exclusively into his lap and Lily has her head in her hands, rage and fear quarrelling inside her.

“Sirius.” Lily’s voice is full of steel but this time, not directed at her best friend. Her arms are shaking, stretching over the table to take Sirius’s hands tight between hers. “I swear to God. We will fix this and everything will be okay. I understand now… And I’m going to do everything I can to work this out for you. Please don’t shut me out. I’m here for you.”

Sirius knits their fingers together, his expression pinched with stress. He squeezes Lily’s hand tight, taking some solace in the fact that she’s no longer angry with him - that things are being repaired one step at a time.  
“I know it sounds stupid but I’m so scared to talk to him. He gets so upset and I hate it - not like, he shouldn’t be upset. But that I don’t want to do that to him… I want to make him happy.”

Neither Lily or James have gotten this close to a confession from Sirius about his feelings for Rem. They’re quick to realise it, too, exchanging glances over the table. For a moment, Lily’s hand tightens on Sirius’s and he looks up at her confused. She’s struggling to not make this about their feelings for one another because she understands there are other things to deal with first.  
“He wants to make you happy, too.” Her voice is hoarse as she forces herself to hold to her promise. She can’t play matchmaker with them - she’s too invested to make it work. “I think that he’s just hurt and confused just now. But… If you explain things, I think it’ll be okay.”  
“I can’t.” All of a sudden Sirius seems panicked, letting go of Lily’s hand so sharply she startles. “If I go over there, I’ll make it worse. I don’t… I can’t see him cry, or get angry, I’m so… I don’t know how to make him understand. And I’m so tired, and I can’t even remember everything I said and… I mean, where to start?” Lily and James look at each other warily, wondering where Sirius might be going with this. “Lily, please - he trusts you. You’re best friends, he’ll listen. Can you… Please, can you explain this to him?”

Lily hesitates, avoiding Sirius’s hand as he reaches for hers again. She draws in on herself a moment, trying to organise her frazzled thoughts James catches her eye, deeply concerned. Finding strength in him, she sits up straight and looks back to Sirius, taking his hand again.  
“I can’t, Sirius. I’m going to help however I can, but it wouldn’t be right. He needs to hear it from you; I’ll be there, so will James. But it’s best if do it yourself.” Sirius casts a pleading look to James, desperate for back up, but receives none.  
“Lily’s right, mate… We’ll be there, but you have to explain it. He cares about you. If you want to make him happy, this is the best way to do it.”

Sirius winces, disappointed but accepting all the same. His tea is cold by now and he barely touched it - he lets go of Lily’s hand. James checks his watch and looks at Sirius meaningfully.  
“The kids are going to wake up soon but Rem’s probably still sleeping.” Padfoot doesn’t make eye contact, standing up.  
“I’ll go get ready.”  
-

Remus is tired. Exhausted, even. He definitely meant to go back to sleep when Lily finished grilling him - lay back down, got comfy (or tried to). But when the flat door opens and shuts and he can’t hear Lily anymore something like dread settles in his stomach and he can’t get to sleep.

He knows where she’s going - to see James and Sirius - and knows she’s angry, too. He probably should have made it more obvious that Sirius’s spiel about moving out came from fear. Fear of what, Rem doesn’t know - likely to do with Gideon. But fear nonetheless. Now Rem is left feeling guilty because he’s probably brought hell down on Sirius.

No use in following after or trying to call. When Lily sets her mind on these things, she’s unstoppable. Sighing, Remus sits up and drops his head into his hands. There’s no point - he can’t sleep or even relax. Might as well stop pretending there’s a chance.

Moony heads to the bathroom. It takes him a moment to convince himself to look in the mirror, sucking his teeth sharply when he does.  
“Not good.” He tilts his head this way and that. Slight as Gideon looks, he threw a good punch. Remus’s nose is dark with bruises and his cheek is swollen up. “But could be worse.”

Bending over the sink, Rem spends some time washing all traces of blood out of his hair. The wound on his scalp is pretty superficial, luckily, but quite swollen. Murmuring to himself, he gets into the shower to wash any lasting sick-smell off him.

After that, it doesn’t matter how many times he checks his phone, nothing comes through. He’d hoped James or Lily might have been thoughtful enough to drop him a text to tell him how Sirius is. The worry feels heavy, even if part of him wants to be angry at his best friend. He’d been such a mess.

“Yeah, but he was still a cunt.” Remus grumbles around his toothbrush, sour because he forgot about his cup of tea. Toothpaste + tea = not a good mix.

He tries to avoid it, but soon Remus can’t help himself. He pokes his head around the door of Sirius’s room to check on the two boys. They look totally peaceful despite being distressed earlier when Sirius was missing. Teddy is stretched out like a windmill, feet poking out of his blanket. Creeping in, Moony pulls it back over him, making an effort not to wake them.

It’s a difficult situation from this viewpoint. Remus has the niggling feeling that something is wrong and that they might not be safe. Maybe that’s why Sirius wanted to move… It could be wishful thinking, trying to convince himself that Padfoot isn’t just trying to get away from him. But something feels off. With everything that’s been going on lately, Teddy’s routine has been totally disrupted. It’s not good for him; he’s sleeping at weird times, coming down with a cold, not getting hungry properly. It’s obvious that he’s stressed.

Remus hadn’t meant for tensions between him and Sirius to be obvious enough that his son would pick up on it. For Teddy to be blissfully unaware would be the dream, but all the bruises have made that impossible. The bruises alone were trauma enough for the poor kid, never mind that he’s been temporarily taken away from his beloved playgroup... It’s not fair on him.

As much as Remus hates the thought of asking for help, maybe he should call Tonks. If something is going on that means the flat might not be safe, Teddy shouldn’t be here. It’s difficult to be away from his son - Remus is very protective - but he has to put him first. Moony checks the time and sighs - half six - vowing to call Tonks when he’ll be awake.

The next fifteen minutes are spent sitting by the window looking out on the street below. Remus doesn’t know what he’s keeping watch for, but he’s too nervous to look away. The toothpaste taste leaves his mouth quick enough for him to enjoy his tea, which is the silver lining.

When Sirius’s car pulls up, Remus jolts out of his trance. Surely Sirius hadn’t driven. He checks his phone and grumbles, hating being out of the loop.

Lily gets out first, bundled up in a cardigan against the drizzle. James follows after from the driver’s seat, going to open the back door to help Sirius out. Remus all but has his nose pressed against the glass, fogging it up as he tries to see how Padfoot looks. He’s wearing James’s t-shirt - it’s huge on him. Other than that, he has his head down and his hair is pretty messy. From this height, that’s all there is to see.

Before they get up to the flat, Remus checks in on Teddy and Harry to make sure they two of them are sleeping soundly. His heart is in his throat, wondering what’s going to happen next and he wants them to sleep through it. Both boys are snoozing happily, occasionally wriggling or grumbling. Rem readjusts the blackout curtains so any insinuation of sunrise is blocked out, then goes back to sit on the sofa.

He doesn’t know why he’s pretending that he didn’t see them coming. Curled up on the sofa with his book on his lap and his tea in one hand, he tries to look the picture of an unassuming young man. Not that it matters - when the three of them come in, there’s a huge bustle of activity. All of them are caught up in their own heads, seemingly. Remus is sure the boys will wake up.

Sirius looks an utter state, so pale he looks grey which makes the bruises appear even more gruesome. James looks tired and Lily looks harassed and uptight. The Potters give him matching smiles as they come into the living room, happily surprised to see him awake. Sirius avoids eye contact, only setting Remus more on edge.

“Morning, Rem.” Lily's smile is apologetic. “Didn’t think you’d be awake.” Rem just shrugs.  
“Couldn’t sleep.”  
“Because of…” She starts guiltily. Moony shakes his head, dismissing her worries with a smile.  
“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Do you guys want a cup of tea?” He’s already out of his seat to go and put the kettle on when Lily gestures him away, going to the kitchenette herself.  
“S’okay, let me get it. Is yours done?” She nods at his cold tea and Remus grins, tipping the last of it out in the sink. “Sirius, James - you want tea?” She asks as she holds the kettle under the tap. James asks for coffee and Sirius doesn’t want anything, going to sit at the dining table once he’s got his coat off.

“Everything okay?” Remus mumbles to James when they cross paths by the TV.  
“Need to talk things out. How’s your head?” Remus bats away James’s hands before they can get to his hair, ducking aside.  
“S’alright. I’ve cleaned the cut and everything to keep Lily happy.” They share a grin, then James heads over to Lily to help bring the mugs over to the table. Remus assumes that’s where they’re headed, so waits for them there.

Moony and Padfoot sit opposite ends of the table, Remus trying to get Sirius to look at him with little success. Sighing, he waits impatiently for Lils and James to get back, setting coasters out and fiddling with the sleeves of his jumper.

Once everyone’s settled down, they all look to each other hoping someone else will start the conversation. Remus is totally lost as to what this is all about and can only guess it must relate to last night, so knows it isn’t his job to initiate, at least. Lily and James stare pointedly at Sirius, who doesn’t lift his head. Looking exasperated, Lily begins, addressing Remus directly.

"So, Remus. We've been out of the loop and you still need filled in... We have some stuff that needs sorted out but first, Sirius needs to tell you what actually happened up 'til you got there."  
“May I remind everyone… No shouting.” James commands, hands clasped together on the table. His stern expression makes him look every bit the policeman and Remus wonders what exactly happened before they all came over. Maybe Lily will tell him later.

Sirius finally looks up and almost meets Remus’s gaze, but not quite. His eyes flit over Rem’s hair, face, neck, shoulders and chest. Then he sighs, curling in on himself.

“Remus… Um… I’m sorry.”

Remus’s heart plummets. It was all real, wasn’t it? Sirius wants to move out. He's going to leave him, he's going to leave Teddy. Part of him wants to cry, because this is the worst possible thing that could have come out of this. Part of him is angry that it’s come to this. The latter part of him is thinking of Teddy, how he’ll lose another parent figure. How it might mean Remus can’t look after his son anymore, how he might have to ask Tonks to take him…

“You’re leaving.” Remus’s voice is flat. Everyone looks at him with wide eyes, Lily already opening her mouth to intervene. Sirius gets there first.  
“No.”

Sirius’s face is deadly serious, staring Remus down the table. Rem just stares back with an eyebrow raised, not backing out. The anger is rising up in his stomach and he’s fighting to keep it down.  
“No?”  
“I’m not leaving unless you want me to.” Sirius grits out, hands balled into fists on the table. “Do you want me to?”  
“No. Don’t see why you’re getting pissed, though. You’re the one who said you’re leaving.”  
“I… Remus, I’m sorry. There was a lot going on. We need to talk - can I tell you what happened?”

 

Everyone looks at Remus with pleading eyes and he feels himself caving. He wants to be angry even still because everything feels like too much, like his head is getting crushed. But he’s not mad at Sirius anymore, can never seem to stay angry with him. That in itself usually pisses him off. But he knows there are more important things right now, so he just consents and focuses on unfurling his fists for the moment.

Lily and James keep a close eye on Sirius as he explains the whole night to Remus. They can both see that he’s far more nervous doing it than he was with them. Even if the experience had still been an unpleasant one, no matter who he was regaling, Remus’s stern gaze seems to make Sirius extremely self conscious.

Lily sees through Remus’s armour, of course. She always has, which is one of the main reasons they became fast friends in high school. If Remus looks livid and scathingly cold right now, directing those emotions at Sirius, Lily can decode it. He’s not angry at Sirius anymore; he certainly tried to be, but Remus can never stay mad at him. He’s furious with Gideon and even more furious with the situation as a whole. On top of that, his anxiety has him reeling. She slides a hand out over the table top to weave their fingers together, giving him a reassuring smile.

Lily knows that Sirius has the hard deal in this situation - everything bad that happens, it happens to him. But all of Padfoot’s friends have consistently placed themselves so close to him that each blow he is dealt, they’re hit hard with it too. Remus feels selfish for his prior focus on his own feelings, Lily can sense it in the pull of his lips. But she understands - she knows the effects this is having on each of them individually.

James is torn between being a policeman and a friend. He wants to push Sirius to take the case further in both aspects. But as a friend, he’s more sensitive - he knows intimately why Sirius might choose not to. And furthermore, he’s afraid of the consequences in either choice.

Remus is between fearing for Sirius and pragmatically sorting a way that he can protect his son. Teddy is still asleep in the other room, happily, with Harry. But when he sees a collection of new bruises and hears that the flat might not be safe, he’ll be distraught. Remus is a primary school teacher - he understands children and their capacity to deal with traumatic events. He’s dedicated a lot of energy to cushioning each of life’s blows for him - Tonks leaving, having to move home, Tonks then suddenly resurfacing some time later… And now all of this with Sirius.

It’s only further complicated by the fact that Remus would cut anyone out of his life for the benefit of his son. But Sirius is inexorably tied into their lives. He’s the only person Moony thinks he might not be able to stand to let go.

And Lily… She’s scared because there’s no easy answer to this problem. She can clean Remus’s cut and identify if he has a concussion. She can evaluate Teddy, even, to see how he’s coping. She can teach Sirius various coping mechanisms. But she can’t fix this.

When Sirius is finished, he looks fully exhausted - not like before, where he looked ill and tired. This time he looks like one more prod will send him into hysterics. His brain is fried and he’s still trying to deal with the last of the effects from the rohypnol. He’s desperate for Remus’s reaction, desperate for forgiveness too.

There’s a long hesitation, everyone waiting for Remus to say something to dissolve some of the tension.  
“What now?”

It wasn’t the reaction that Sirius was looking for, that’s certain, but it’s better than silence. His defeat is clear on his face and he shrugs, ducking his head.  
“I don’t know.”

James and Lily seem to reanimate, seeing that it’s their time to contribute as well.   
“If Gideon’s serious about his threats, then you guys have to get out of here.”  
“Teddy can’t miss anymore playgroup.” Remus immediately protests, snapped out of his agitated trance. Lily nods her agreement. “I’m going to take him to Tonks’s place soon, for at least a week. I just need to call him. We can work everything else out afterwards.”  
By the way Moony looks at them all, he’s not open to other suggestions - no one argues. He makes eye contact with them all individually like a challenge, then pushes himself up from the table.  
“I’m going to wake the boys up.” He calls over his shoulder as he heads towards Sirius’s room.

Once Rem is gone, Lily reaches out to take Sirius’s hands between hers. They feel clammy and they shake even as she holds them steady.  
“You okay?” James asks, leaning over to them with a frown. Sirius sucks a deep breath in and looks up.  
“I’ll be alright. Just taking it minute by minute.”  
“Go get some sleep, Pads.” Lily uses her no-mess attitude to convince him and James helps him up from his seat, supporting him back towards the room.

“James, I need to talk to you.” Sirius says once the room door is shut over. James waits to get him into the bed with the covers tucked around him before he responds.  
“What’s up? If it can wait, you should sleep first.”  
“It’s important.”

Prongs braces himself, expecting Sirius to start up about needing to leave or if Remus secretly wants him to go or not… What comes out is like being thrown into an ice bath.  
“Gideon knows about us.” Sirius looks terrified, like he thinks James will be mad at him but James just sits very still while it filters through to his brain.  
“That’s why you brought it up earlier.” It’s not a question.  
“Yeah.”  
“What did he say about it?”  
“He made a good guess that you wouldn’t have told Lily and said he would tell her about it… He’d probably add a load of shit to it too. He’s out to fuck as much up as he can…”

Again, James waits a long time before he says anything. The blood is draining from his face like the world is crashing down around him. Lily means everything to him and upsetting her is the last thing he wants to do. He meant it when he told Sirius that he didn’t think she would care that much… At least, not to the extent he was suggesting. But what if…?  
“James, we should tell her.”

-

Remus brings Harry to Lily once he’s awake and he’s been on the potty. Teddy wiggles and whines in the bed as Rem chucks his clothes for the day down next to him. He wants to act like nothing at all is wrong, but it’s clear on his face that he’s upset. Ted picks up on it because he’s pretty observant for his age and frowns.

“Daddy… You’re sad?”  
“Just a little bit, Tedders - don’t you worry about it.”  
“Did I do it?”  
“No! No, of course not love. Now, listen up young man.” Teddy puts on his best serious face and nods. Remus pulls his top over his head, momentarily creating a barrier between them.

“I’m calling mummy in a minute, okay? He’s going to take you for a little bit.”  
“When?”  
“Today… For about a week.”  
“Yay!”  
“You excited to get away from me?” Remus teases, though secretly he’s a little offended. He knows he shouldn’t take it personally that Ted is excited to see Tonks, considering he doesn’t go to see him much… But when the fear of not being able to look after Teds is so rife, it bothers him more than it usually would. Teddy seems to be considering his reply.  
“Um… Yeah!”  
“Pscht. Thanks, Teddy.”

It doesn’t take long to get Teddy dressed because he’s excited enough to see his mum to be compliant. James comes out of the main bedroom with a bag packed with Teddy’s stuff for the week - he seems nervous.  
“Just trying to make myself useful.” Prongs shrugs off Rem’s questions. “Are you taking him just now?”  
“Well I haven’t called Tonks yet.” Moony points out and James’s mouth makes a small ‘o’ shape before he heads through to see Harry, leaving Rem to make his phone call.

Tonks picks up just before the phone goes to voicemail but doesn’t talk right away, speaking to someone on the other end affectionately.  
“Yeah, go get showered… Yeah. Okay. See you soon. Hey Remus, what’s up?”  
“Tonks, you busy?”  
“No, no. Fleur’s headed off to shower.”  
“Fleur?” One night stand? Alarm bells already ringing.  
“Oh… Haven’t told you about her yet?””  
“No. Anyway, look, can you take Teddy for a while for me? A lot of stuff going on here so I want him to be somewhere a little more… Settled.”  
“Um, I have work this week, but… I mean, I’m sure Fleur will help out and we can get a babysitter.”  
“Right, great. Can I bring him over just now?”  
“Don’t worry ‘bout it - we can come get him. We were going to go to Brixton for breakfast anyway, so we can meet?”  
“In the Starbucks, or…?”  
“Nah, I wanted to show Fleur Brixton Blends, so... “  
“Whichever. When will you be there?”  
“Oh, she’s in the shower so maybe half an hour?”  
“Fine. See you then.”

 

Remus is gritting his teeth and once his phone is back in his pocket he starts to knead his temples, shaking. Just like Tonks not to see the obvious concerns Rem has and talk all about himself. That he has to go through all of this and meet his ex-’wife’’s new girlfriend… Everything is tiring. Rem wants to lash out at someone, something, and he’s balling his hands into fists in his pockets to keep it from showing.

“Daddy, is mummy going to come get me?”  
“We’re going to meet him!” Rem tries to sound enthusiastic. “Do you want to meet someone new today?” Teddy frowns, confused because he’s wary of new people in general.  
“Is it… Santa?”  
“... No. It’s October. Santa is… Busy - I did try, though. Um, it’s mummy’s new girlfriend!” Teddy’s frown only deepens, his face crumpling a little.  
“Mummy said just us!”  
“When did he say that, love?”  
“Other time!”  
“So have you met his girlfriend before?”  
“Uh-huh. She brought the... fall apart things.”  
“Fall aparts?”  
“They’re.. Um…” Teddy shapes out a crescent with his hands, frowning. “Sweetie… Bread?”  
“Pastry? Croissant?”  
“Uh-huh! But she left… So I didn’t say hello.”  
“So you haven’t met her, then.”  
“Um… No.”

Remus rolls his eyes. Teddy always has a way of making him smile, even when he feels awful. Straightening up, Rem heads to the kitchen to take a couple painkillers for his head then looks out his wallet and phone. Once he’s gone through the bag, he tells Teddy to get his shoes and coat on.

“Are you guys going to be here when I get back?” The Potters are seated at the table still, across from each other and conferring under their breath about something. Lily looks up at him and smiles. Harry has cleared out Teddy’s book box and is now sitting in it.  
“Unless you’d rather we headed off?”  
“Whatever you like, really - I don’t mind.”  
“Do you want me to come with you?” Lily asks, moving to stand up from her place. James reaches out and puts a hand over hers to stop her and Remus shakes his head, smiling.  
“No, don’t worry about it. I’m getting Tonks at Brixton Blends so it’s not far - we’ll get the bus.”  
“How’s your head?”  
“It’s fine, really. You can look at it when I get back, but I need to go. Okay?”  
“... Okay.” Lily grumbles and sits back down.

“Okay Tedders, let’s skidaddle.” Remus comes out to find Teddy with his shoes on the wrong feet and snorts, crouching down to fix it for him. Bundled up sufficiently in his coat, they head out of the flat and towards the bus stop.

-

“Lils, can you come through to the room with me?”  
“Yeah, what for?” Lily waited until Remus left to start flicking through the channels on the TV for something for her and Harry to watch. She’s exhausted and just wants to sleep, but knows her boisterous son won’t let her be unless he’s entertained.  
“Just need to talk to you about something.” They head out into the hall once Harry’s content with the program, and she pulls back when James reaches for Rem’s room door.  
“Sirius is asleep in there, isn’t he? We should let him be.”  
“He’s still awake.” James pulls her in gently after him, seeing her look between him and Sirius bemusedly.

“Hey Lils.” Sirius smiles wanly, obviously as tired as the rest of them. He maybe got an hour’s sleep at best and while it’s better than James and Lily who are running on nothing, he’s drained and sickly.  
“Can’t sleep?” Lily frowns, straight away thinking they should go by the doctor’s for an examination for Sirius. But Padfoot just waves the thought away.  
“Just gotta talk to you about something first. Didn’t want to say it in front of Rem.”  
“Okay?”

James sits down on the edge of the bed and pats the mattress to signal that Lily should do the same. Once the three of them are all sitting, there’s a long silence waiting to see who dares to break it first. James makes a face at Sirius like he should start, but he just glares sharply back in warning. Prongs takes the hint and tries to steel himself.  
“Um so, Lily. There’s something I never told you about, from like, a long time ago.”  
“How long’s a long time ago?”  
“High school.” Sirius offers, sitting forward now. He’s shaking. The two men’s nerves are setting her on edge.  
“Now I don’t want you to be mad about it, okay? Just… Let’s talk about it first.”  
“Alright.”  
“Well, y’see, when me and Sirius were like… 16 or so… For a year and a bit, but it was just casual okay… Um, well, we were… Um…”  
“Friends with benefits.” Lily finishes for him, raising her eyebrow delicately. James blanches and nods, unable to meet her eye. For a strong five seconds Lils stays perfectly quiet, just looking between the two of them curiously. Then she veritably roars with laughter and can’t seem to stop.

 

Sirius and James exchange a confused look.  
“What? What is it?” Sirius frowns, staring at Lily as she flushes red and falls back on the bed, tears in her eyes she’s laughing so hard.  
“I’m not joking!” James snaps, frustrated because he’d been so worried about this.  
“I… Know!” Lily hacks out, clutching her stomach. “Oh my god my stomach… Agh... It hurts, oh my god.”  
“I’m confused.” Sirius rolls his eyes, flopping back against the headboard with his arms crossed over his chest. Lily takes a deep breath and it looks like she might stop, sitting up a bit. Then she looks at their faces and shrieks with laughter again, falling down.  
“I just... You’re so worried and like, everyone knew. Oh. My. God.” She smacks herself in the chest roughly to clear it, having choked on a laugh. “I just… I can’t even… You two, like, all hormonal… Sirius probably called… Hah… pro’lly called James fucking Remus all the time… Ahah-urgh.” She chokes again, curled up on the bed laugh-coughing for a solid 2 minutes. Both Padfoot and Prongs are dark red and sulking.  
“Not like you didn’t think it was hot.” James complains, refusing to look in Lily’s eyes. She just snorts, her face covered by her hands.  
“All the girls were like, ‘omg it’s so hot’ but also like ‘aw but I wanna be with them!’ And you thought you were so sly, like one time Marlene saw you, James, making hand signals for a blowjob at Sirius in the cafeteria at lunch time. Fucksake, ahahaha, oh my goodness.”

“I’m never going to live this down.” James complains some time later when Lily’s calm and Sirius is in the process of telling them to get out the room so he can sleep.  
“Nope.” Lily agrees cheerfully as she follows him out, fluttering her fingers back at Pads with a smirk.

-

Teddy is smiling at everyone on the bus, he’s so excited to see Tonks. Remus bobs him up and down on his knee, watching carefully for their stop. Even though in London each stop is announced, he worries he’ll manage to miss it somehow. So once they reach Brixton tube station he hits the button so hard that people around him stare. Apparently it’s already been pressed.

Brixton Blends is thankfully not that busy and Tonks is waiting for him outside. He’s cut his hair a bit shorter so that it’s a little under his chin. He looks better than last time - not as tired and like he might be eating enough for once. Rem is still aggravated at his self-centredness but always feels a little tender towards him all the same. The two of them had been through a lot together.

“Wotcher, Remus. And hello to my dashing young man!” Tonks immediately reaches out to take Teddy into his arms, bringing him to bounce on his hip. “Travel alright?”  
“Yeah, it was fine.” Remus smiles, tucking his hands into his pockets to keep them warm. “Is, uh..”  
“Fleur.” Tonks offers with a polite smile. “Yeah, she’s inside. We’ve got you guys a drink.”

Rem follows Tonks in, pulling faces at Teddy as they wind up the metal stairs. In the seats by the window overlooking the Bowie tribute, a young lady with long blonde hair sits. Seeing Remus follow after Tonks, she stands up and comes to shake his hand.  
“Bonjour, Remus.” She greets, politely taking his hand. Remus is taken aback by the formality but just goes along with it, returning the shake gently. “So pleased to be meeting you. I’m Fleur.”  
“My pleasure, really.” Remus smiles and moves to sit down, more than a little awkward. Teddy complains when Tonks tries to sit him on his knee, so he hands the toddler back to Remus to calm down. “Um, so…”  
“So, Fleur, this is Teddy, and this is Remus, Teddy’s dad. And Remus, Teddy, this is Fleur, my partner.”  
“Partner.” Remus repeats almost vacantly, before shaking himself out of his stupor. “I mean, have you been together long?”  
“A few months.” Tonks clarifies, not apologetic in the slightest. Fleur steps in, all tight smiles - she’s obviously looking to make a good impression.  
“I’m sorry Nym didn’t tell you before, Remus - I couldn’t believe he hadn’t mentioned! I’ve been looking forward to meeting the little lamb for some time now.” She turns her smile to Teddy who peeks out at her shyly, half-smiling back. “He looks so much like you, Nym!”  
“Ah, y’think?” Tonks rubs the back of his head sheepishly, biting his lip. “He’s got Rem’s hair.”  
“Well, I would not know - you’re always dying it.” Fleur scolds lightly. “May I?” She reaches out to pick up Teddy and Rem hesitates, then complies. Teddy doesn’t complain, at least.

“Um, anyway, yeah, this drink is yours - you still take your tea the same?” Tonks asks as he pushes a small paper cup to Remus. “And I got Ted some milk. Oh, there’s cake too. Help yourself.”  
“Thanks.” Rem is distracted as he watches Fleur position Teddy on her knee and bounce him lightly, beaming all the while. “Um, can I, uh… Talk to you?” Tonks raises an eyebrow, surprised, but stands up anyway.  
“Sure. Back in a minute, sweetheart.” His hand lingers on Fleur’s shoulder for a moment before he and Remus make their way back downstairs and outside, Remus carrying his cup with him for the warmth. 

Once the door is shut, Tonks turns as if to start speaking but Rem stops him and guides him over to the bench in front of the Bowie memorial. They sit and look at the flowers in their varying stages of wilting, stuck in their own heads for a minute.  
“What do you think of her, then?” Tonks asks, looking to Remus with a smile. He’s always looked for Rem’s approval in his partners, which is strange because Moony has little to no love life experience outside of Tonks.  
“She seems nice. How old is she, exactly?” His thinking is betrayed by the almost-frown and Tonks immediately puts his heckles up.  
“21. So not too young to be with me, or look after Teddy.”   
“I’m not having a go at you, Tonks.” Rem sighs, leaning down to pinch the bridge of his nose gently between his fingers. This is not how he wanted this conversation to go.  
“I don’t know, you just always act weird with the people I introduce you to. I don’t get it, I thought you were over me, I thought we split up on good terms.”

“For a start, it wasn’t exactly ‘good terms’. Yeah I got why you left but was I happy about it? No.”  
“Don’t bring that up.” Tonks begs softly, looking again to his hands.  
“And I am over you.” Remus adds, sighing and looking up at the clouds. The day is overcast but thankfully not raining at the moment. “I just need to know you’re going to look after Teddy best you can.”

This apparently only irritates Tonks more because he looks at Remus sharply, no longer introspective or remotely guilty.  
“What, because you don’t think I’m a good parent? Just because I don’t have him all the time doesn’t mean I can’t tell his head from his arse, Remus. Honestly, you’re so fucking belittling and I can’t deal with it. If there’s a problem, just leave. Me and Fleur can take it from here.”  
“You’re really self centred, you know that? You weren’t like that when we were together. It’s weird that you’re sitting here acting like I’m not letting you have Teddy - you’re the one that left. Didn’t get wind of you for two years, in fact - so many milestones you totally missed. And he missed you, god he missed you. But now, even though you’re here, you don’t pay any maintenance or take him regularly. Can’t take him because you’re working, can’t take him because you’re busy - but that means I can’t work. So it’s all up to me, right?”  
“You know I couldn’t be around all the time, Remus. I hate it when you do this - guilt me. I really do feel bad that I’m not there for Teddy much… I just… It’s hard, okay?”  
“It’s always about how it’s hard on you, Tonks. I understand you have… unique circumstances. But you’re a parent and so am I, and I keep doing the hard work.”

 

“It’s not like I’m doing nothing Remus - I work full time, I have a girlfriend, I still go to therapy… I’m looking into top surgery just now as well. And mum’s sick - Sirius might’ve mentioned - so I’ve been worrying my arse off about that.”  
“Yeah but my problem with all of this is that you have so much time for other people - your mum, Fleur. You barely stopped talking about Fleur for one second when we were on the phone. But you don’t have time for your son! It’s ridiculous, you’re supposed to care about him but you just don’t, you have no patience with him, no motivation to connect with him… You take advantage of the fact he loves you unconditionally, when that’s what you should be doing for him.”

It hits home for Tonks then. Remus isn’t the sort to go off at anyone, in honesty, so that he’s being so vocal about his discontent already caught Tonks’s attention. But Moony is obviously pretty pissed about this because this level of venom is unheard of.

Tonks’s automatic reaction is to lash back because he didn’t come out here to get shat all over by his ex. But there’s truth in what Remus is saying and he knows it. Fleur has been so excited to meet Teddy, and Tonks had been all for it. But now he’s worrying that this will expose how shit of a parent he really is.

“You’re right. I need to try harder.”

All of the tension Remus has been holding deflates with one exhale. Confrontation isn’t his style and he’s had far too much of it in the last 24 hours. He came out here to tell Tonks everything that had been going on with Sirius, not to pick holes in his parenting style. Now he feels guilty for taking out his anxiety on Tonks, but also like a weight has been lifted. Sighing, he drops his head into his hands and tries to set his thoughts to rights.

“Yeah.” Is all he can get out for some time. When Tonks rests a hand on his shoulder, he almost jerks away because he’s so on edge but he loosens off into the touch after a second. “Nym, I’m really sorry… I wasn’t even really… I mean yeah I was mad about it but that’s not the point. I mean, how can I expect you to be the perfect parent when he’s calling you mum - probably makes you uncomfortable in the first place. And the fact that you’re not around… I get it. It’s hard to reintegrate into your kid’s life if you’re not there for such a long time. I just, ugh. I worry about him. Things with Sirius are… Rocky. And I guess I’m on edge in case Teddy loses anyone else.”

Tonks stares at him hard trying to work out what to say - what are the right questions, how much does Remus even want him to know? It’s hard because Moony has always been closed about his personal life, even to those so deeply ingrained in it. And when things are about Sirius, he’s even more tight lipped because it’s the closest thing to a love-life as there has been for two years.

It’s frustrating to say the least. Tonks knows he maybe never fell in love with Remus like he should have, but that was more than mutual. Rem’s so called high-school crush has always had much more weight than that and everyone but Sirius knows it. But Tonks knows Sirius, has for a long while - even if they’re not close, they are related after all. It just so happens that Sirius has avoided familial connection as much as possible since he was 16. And Sirius might not know there’s reciprocation, but he’s been pining after Remus for almost as long.

It’s like magnets repelling, but you’re desperate for them to come together. Even then, the force pushing them apart, it’s not real. And Tonks knows it because it’s so goddamn obvious. He’d bring it up now but it isn’t the time. There’s something else going on and Remus is evidently scared. They don’t see much of each other now but Tonks cares a lot about him. It hurts to see him so tired.

“D’you wanna talk about it?”  
“It’s kind of why I brought you out here.” Remus grumbles though he knows it isn’t Tonks’s fault that they got sidetracked. Tonks knows it too, but doesn’t mention it, just waits for Moony to explain.

“I dunno how much you know because James has been involved - obviously you guys work together… I don’t know how much you see of him. Anyways. He got involved with this guy who turned out to be god-awful and threatened him. Bumped into his brother when he went to the pub alone and he was trying to convince him not to press charges. And when Sirius said he’d do what he wanted to do, he roofied him.”

Tonks, just like James, seems to be categorising all of this. After some consideration, he speaks up.  
“When was this?”  
“Last night.” Tonks exhales heavily, raising his eyebrows.  
“Shit. So that’s why you’ve got Teds with me? Did this guy threaten you?”  
“Yeah, kinda. Threatened everyone he could think of in Sirius’s personal life, anyways. I don’t really believe he’ll follow through with it but it seems safer to expect the worse. And Ted’s missed a lot of playgroup, so I don’t want him falling out of the loop with that. I just… Want him to feel normal, and pretend there’s not so much crap going on, y’know? But I can’t guarantee the flat is safe.”

Tonks hums in agreement and nods.  
“So what are you and Sirius going to do?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“You said things are rocky - are you fighting? Because with all this happening to him…”  
“Yeah, I get it, I know. I’m probably just taking my nerves out on him. I guess I just… Y’know…”  
“You want to keep him safe. I know.” Tonks smiles and Remus pulls a face.  
“Don’t make it about that.”  
“I’m not. But really, you need to figure out what you’re doing. Why don’t you head away for a week, stay somewhere out of London? It’d give you both some time away from everything and a change of scenery.”  
“Money’s the issue, of course. Sirius hasn’t been working and I don’t know what his sick pay is going to be like… Not that they’re not understanding, they’re lovely. But all the same…”  
“And you’re thinking you need to go back to work.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Okay. But first, you said I haven’t been paying anything towards looking after Teddy. I’ve been working a lot of overtime so I’ve got cash to spare - I can give you enough for maybe a week in a hotel and a couple of trains.”  
“I- I’m not going to take money from you. No way. If it was for Teddy, maybe, but -” Tonks holds up a hand, squaring Remus with a commanding look that tells him to shut the fuck up.  
“It basically is for Teddy. I’m trying to do what I can to help him and you and Sirius. If you guys have some time out to relax a bit, then you’re going to be able to look after him better. Make better decisions for him. So why don’t you just take the offer?”

When Remus doesn’t reply, Tonks rolls his eyes and stands up.  
“Look, you can think about it. Come back in, have your cake and stuff - I got you chocolate - and think about it. Also to do with what’s good for Sirius. Then, when we’re about to head off, you can decide.”  
“But-”  
“Nope, we’re not talking about it again until you’re leaving.”

As Tonks is pretty persuasive at the best of times, Remus just gives in and heads upstairs to sit with Fleur and Teddy. When they arrive, Teddy doesn’t even look away from Fleur who is bouncing him up and down on her knee then lifting him quickly into the air like he’s flying. Each time, they both make aeroplane noises and Teddy wiggles and spreads his arms out like wings until he gets set back down. Considering Remus carried Teddy most of the way here he knows that’s quite a feat - Fleur must be pretty strong.

“So Fleur, where do you work?”  
“Oh, I’m in university studying physics. But I work part time in a bakery in Marylebone.”  
It was far from what Remus expected, but then again he’s learning more and more about not making stupid assumptions these days. Being a big cake enthusiast, he’s frequented quite a few bakeries around that area and spots an opportunity for possible discounts.

“Which bakery? I visit there every now and then for the Daunt book shop”  
“I love that book shop! That’s where Tonks and I met. It’s Le Pain Quotidien.”  
“Oh, I like that one. I think I’m more surprised that Tonks was in a bookstore.”  
“You’ve been?” Fleur’s face lights up, excited. “Nym never seems to have the time to come and see me at work. But yes, he was in the bookstore looking for a gift for Teddy.”  
“For Teddy? He can’t even read yet, Tonks.” Remus snorts and Tonks does whatever he can to avoid eye contact, feeling like an idiot. “But yeah, I’ve been - it’s cute. I’ll come and see you on shift some time.”  
“Thank you! But I won’t be in this week. I’m going to make a call to my boss and ask for time off - I have reading week anyway so I can ask for it as study leave.”  
“What for?”  
“To look after Teddy, of course! I want to spend plenty of time with him.”

 

Fleur has definitely made a great impression on Remus. Teddy doesn’t want to look away from her, tugging on her sleeve trying to get her to play aeroplanes or to blow raspberries. Moreover, Tonks, being very picky, is totally enamoured which means a lot. Whatever reservations he had about leaving his son with the two have passed - Teddy honestly seems ecstatic to be going away with them.

“So, Remus.” Tonks and Rem are standing by the bin, getting rid of the rubbish. “What d’you think about the money?”  
“I’m really not sure… I’d feel bad.”  
“Don’t. I want to give you it. I still have your bank details, okay, so I’m going to transfer it through. Don’t worry about giving any back. It’s the least I can do.”  
“... Fine. But I’ll give it back if we don’t go anywhere, at least.”  
“Deal.”

Giving Teds a big hug, he watches from the door of the cafe as they walk down the street towards the nearby parking. Tonks, much like James, insists that driving in London isn’t a terrible idea. Rem sighs, rubs his hands together to warm them up and sets off towards the flat. His absolute exhaustion falls back around him like a heavy blanket.

By the time he’s back in the flat he feels dead on his feet, majorly irritated by a rude bus driver. Lily and James are sitting with Harry on the sofa, both parents more than half asleep while Frozen plays. James perks up a little bit when he hears the door close.

“Hey, that Teds away with Tonks?”  
“Uh-huh. Where’s Sirius?” Remus looks around over James’s shoulder but can’t catch sight of him. James smirks.  
“He’s sleeping. Look, what are you guys going to do now? Ted’s away for what, a week?”  
“Ugh… Too tired. Can we talk about this later?”  
“I mean… Yeah. But I was going to say, mum and dad have been complaining they haven’t seen you guys in a while. You could go visit them - they stay near Marlene and I think Andromeda as well.”  
“Where ‘bouts?”  
“Up in Edinburgh! Where they’ve been staying for, what, 10 years….?”  
“Right. Sorry, sleepy. Yeah it’s a good idea. I’ll, uh… Ask Sirius. But I wanna sleep first.”  
“Okay… Not too long. See, I may have, uh, already booked train tickets…”

Remus stares deadpan at his best friend, not sure if he’s more touched or annoyed right now. He takes a deep steadying breath, hating having plans thrown at him like this, and kneads his temples.  
“James…” His voice is a low warning, glancing up at Lily who is smiling and waving at him. Rem knows better than to think she wasn’t in on this.  
“Look, don’t be mad, okay? But if you need money for a hotel, it’s fine, I’ll get it - I just thought… Well, you need to get out a bit. Relax. And like, Scotland’s nice. I mean, cold. But nice. Less… Busy. No Prewetts for miles.” James grins, ducking his head quickly when Rem makes a swipe for it.  
“What time did you book it for? I don’t… I’m in no way prepared for this.”  
“Oh, chill, it’s fine - I booked it for four in the afternoon.” Remus checks his watch and groans.

“So I can sleep for, what, 45 minutes, then I’ll have to pack, and I always need to get there early, and I’ll need to collect tickets… Ugh!” James just stares at him like he’s maybe feeling a little bit guilty. Remus sighs, scrubs at his eyes violently. “I… Thanks, James. You didn’t have to go to the trouble.”

The 180 in Rem’s reaction has James’s face splitting into a grin he can’t contain. He actually does a victory dance around the hall, more like loud stamping and air punching. Remus glances to the room door, wondering if he’s woken Sirius up.

“Anyways, you and Sirius can shove off to his room and sleep, me and Lily’ll pack your stuff…”  
“You sure? Sirius is pretty picky…”  
“Yes, but I have great fashion sense.” James wiggles his eyebrows, making Remus snort.  
“Whatever. I’ll go get him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're reaching a milestone of 15 chapters soon! I'm excited for it and hope you guys are too. I wanted to take the chance to say thank you all SO MUCH for reading and sticking with the story. Some of y'all are commenting on this every chapter and it's a big confidence boost. I know that for a while now my posting has been a little erratic - I'm sorry! I actually started this chapter the same day I posted the last one but it ended up being a LOT longer and heavier in content than I anticipated! That's how well I plan ahead, huh? I did also sit on it for quite a while, editing and re-editing; I'm pretty sure that I've still made a few slips.
> 
> Anyhow, I'm going to also be working on a few other bits and pieces of Harry Potter fanfic that I've had ideas for for a while. I've got a couple more Wolfstar fics in the works, and one shots to pair with this one also (some surrounding Tonks and Fleur). I've also been working on a couple RPs with my girlfriend, one is Wolfstar and we've got 130 or so pages of RP so far... So we want to turn that into a fic. Keep having patience, I'll update regularly as possible on here and also on them too. If you guys have any thoughts on what you'd love to happen next in this one, or any one shots you'd like to see (connected to this fic or not, or for Wolfstar or not) you can leave a comment, or send me a message on tumblr - z0ningout.tumblr.com
> 
> Cheers!


	15. INFO

Hi guys! Long time no see

So first of all, sorry for the lack of updates for a while. Things have gone off the rails for me and I hope I haven't caused any disappointment thus far. This little update is to let you all know that I'm actually rewriting this fic right now!

I've been reading over it with a lack of inspiration and felt unhappy with it in general. It just doesn't read the way I want it to; I'm going to stick with the general story arcs with largely just minor tweaks to the plot. What I'm really changing is the writing style, hopefully also leaving the fic with less grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.

I hope you'll all bear with my while I do this! I'll post another update to let you know what to look for when I republish the rewrite. This fic will stay uploaded as it is, mainly so I can reference it but also because I want to keep your lovely comments around to motivate me.

Thanks for your patience and all the support so far <3 

James


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